Loving Lord Bridgerton

Chapter Twelve

Another party. This wouldn't be so bad if I wasn't already so...exhausted. The idea of talking to all these people. Having a fake smile on my face the whole time. Plus, the dancing. I don't want anymore of the dancing. It's not fun when your mother's voice is in the back of your head nit-picking every single man that looks my way.

The nicest man I met was Mr. Johnson. He was more than nice and was very handsome. He was studying as a doctor and was in town for a couple of weeks since exams had finally finished. He was smart and nice. But I knew what my mother would think. 'Doctors are for the nobodies. You don't need a Mr. You're too good for a mr.'

But I was tired of talking to do many people, so I let myself to talk to him. "May I make a confession?" I asked, walking with him along to party where everyone could see us.

"I would love that. The juicer the better."

I couldn't stop myself from chuckling. "It's nice talking to you. This whole thing is starting to become slightly overwhelming."

Mr. Johnson smiled at me. He had a great smile. One that I couldn't help but smile back at. Although he could never light a fire in me like someone I refuse to think about, he would be nice to spend time with. I could grow to love him. "Can I confess something?"

"I would love that."

"I feel the same way."

"Really?"

"I like these parties. You dance, drink, and I don't have to worry so much about school. Plus, I get to spend time with a beautiful lady."

"I'm sure you have met many beautiful women."

"None as beautiful as you." I could feel the blush started to creep up on my cheeks.

One the carriage ride home Violet said nothing but good things about Mr. Johnson. She had good thing, but my mother wouldn't. My mother would see him as a failure and not good enough to be better than Lord Pettaton. He won't have enough money or a big enough house or a title. He will have a simple life and his children will have to struggle to climb their way to be in my place. With my status. I would be setting my kids up to fail. I would be a horrid mother before I even had children. That is the nail in the Mr. Johnson coffin. I want to be a better mom than my own and my first act would be something selfish. I think Violet could see my disappointment before the carriage got quiet.

We made it back to the Bridgerton house and I went up to my bedroom. Dorota helped me change out of my dress and she noticed something was wrong. "Did you enjoy yourself?" Dorota asked.

"Yes. I met a nice man."

"Then why do you look so sad?"

I let out a deep breath. "He's a Mister." That was all I had to say. Dorota just sighed, apologized, and that was it. There is nothing else to talk about. My dad won't approve of a marriage that my mother is against and she won't consider anything other than a Lord. It's the way it is.

I stayed in my room...I kept the curtains drawn so I could keep track of time, but it was safe to say all day. Especially when Daphne showed up. I never missed tea time with her and I did. So they called upon her to make me feel better. She joined me in my bed and I rested my head on her lap while she rubbed my head. I told her everything. I told her about my mom, about Lord Pettaton, about how I know I will be stuck with him. I think the only thing I left out was Anthony. That is a secret I will never breath a word of. "I can't believe you haven't told me any of this."

"What would I say? No one can help me. People are just going to know the type of man I going to be stuck marrying and they are going to feel sorry for me."

"There's got to be something you can do."

I slightly shook my head. "I'm ready to be taken to hell."

"You must not speak this way!"

I turned my head to look up at her. "You're right." I said and she softly smiled at me. "I'm already in hell." I looked away from her, but I could feel Daphne's soft chuckled. She tried not to, but she couldn't help herself. I missed this.

I woke up next to Daphne and this realization flooded over me. Daphne was happy with her marriage, but she was in love. Love was rare. It's not in the cards for me. It's not a bad thing. I may not get the relationship I always hoped for, but that didn't mean I had to let go of every dream that I had. I wanted children and that is one thing that my mom could actually agree with. Children were in her plan to.

Her plan...There is nothing I can do. I know this. I have accepted this. I have known this sense the moment my mother pushed for my marriage. I tried to fight it, to ignore it, to change it. Nothing was working because there was nothing I could do. I was just left with my reality. The only think I need or want at this point is children. Even one and I won't have to focus on my life anymore. I won't have to live under the control of my mother. She won't have a say. My husband will. His vote will be the one that matter.

With the money attached to my name, all I have to do is push for the control of the children, which won't be hard. Most men only require women to give them a son. That is the only request when it comes to family and the house. The rest they are too busy for. I will have one as soon as possible. I don't know much of what is required. I only know what I have picked up on and the very little I could get Dorota to tell me. She didn't want to, but I threatened to ask a different maid.

"Husband and wife lay bare together and with the husband's seed they make a baby." That was all she said. She refused to go any further and threatened to tell my mother if I asked anymore questions. I can get Dorota to do a lot, but she always knows when to call my bluff.

That didn't matter. I would find a way to get through it. I would do it until I got children. I couldn't live with the idea of not being able to have children. That can't be an option.

That baby will be my entire world for at most two years before I will have another child. I have to have at least one girl. Boys go away to school, but girls. I will make sure my son is caring, decent, and grows into a good man. One that a woman can be proud to marry. One that knows the honor in a faithful and loving union. I will raise my daughter to be strong, smart, and hopeful. Her husband should be proud to get a second with her. She should never have to settle. She will never have know what it feels like to be utterly miserable.

I would be a good mother. They would be able to tell me anything. I would fight for them. I would stand between them and my mother. I would not let my mother ruin them like she has ruined me and how her mother ruined her. They will be the best parts of me.

It was around mid day when Eloise and I went for a walk through the park arm in arm while Dorota walked behind us. It was as beautiful as a day in London can have. "You seem to be doing better," Eloise said and I held my breath, nodding my head.

"I get like that sometimes. I just need a moment in to accept what I cannot control."

"Does this have to do with your marriage?"

I looked over at Eloise, narrowing my eyes, "Were you listening to Daphne and I?"

"No, but Hyacinth is a horrible eavesdropper."

I chuckled, "Yeah, I'm sure she's the only one."

"Have you-"

"Do not tell me to talk to Anthony."

"Maybe he will marry you."

I scoffed, if only she knew how not interest he had to be in me. "Your brother will marry a woman when he's ready, and she will be a lucky woman. I will not ask him to save me. Beside I just want to be a mother. That's all that is important."

Eloise nodded, smiling over at me, "I think you will be a great mother." I pulled her closer to me, placing my head on her shoulder. I wish I could have realized this sooner. My life would have been that much easier. I probably would have just agreed to marry one of the simpletons from before instead of hanging onto the dream or wish that was Anthony Bridgerton. He was and was only ever going to be Daphne's brother and my little secret I will take to my grave.