i still love you (jikook)

move on

                                          Jimin

I wipe my hands after brushing my teeth, and neatly put everything back.

Smiling contently after I light a candle, I hear my doorbell ring.

So I quickly run over, even sliding a little since I am wearing fuzzy white socks that go up a bit above my ankles.

I open the door, and feel my smile fall once I see Jungkook.

Jungkook looks expressionless, as always, but this time he looks a bit...annoyed. Maybe tired?

He hasn't spoken to me since last night at dinner. But I don't want to think about that.

"Jungkook-"

He cuts me off as he presses his lips against mine, pushing me back gently, and he slams the door shut.

I try to move in sync with him but he's going so fast, simply going in without any warning. He starts pulling my shirt up but I hold his wrists, "W-Wait, Jungkook-"

"What?" He asks in a deep voice as he keeps his hands frozen in place on my waist, gripping the bottom of my oversized shirt tightly.

I swallow hard as I look up into his dark eyes.

"H-Hey, what's wrong?" I ask.

He sighs, "Nothing. I just came here because I feel like getting off."

My chest stings now, and I feel myself slowly back away.

"You...you could've said hello, first...I was surprised, Jungkookie-"

"Hello. Now?"

I look into his eyes with disbelief.

How can he be so cold?

Then my face softens the longer I look into his eyes.

And how can I be so pathetic? Being deeply in love like this when I shouldn't be?

He slowly starts to kiss down my neck as he slips his hands under my shirt and caresses my stomach.

And I just stand there, frozen.

With watery eyes.

I feel...

Like I'm nothing.

And I'm just now realizing.

It's because he makes me feel that way.

"Let me take you to bed," He whispers against my neck.

Tears fall down my face and I remain silent.

I can't...

I can't move.

I don't want to.

I hardly feel his lips on my skin, nor his hands.

I feel, numb.

Each time we've spent together a big piece of me broke away.

But right now.

I feel, done. Tired.

"Jungkook," I whisper, ashamed at my voice crack.
He slowly stops kissing my neck, and stands up straight. Looking deeply into my eyes.
"Go home."

He narrows his eyebrows as he sighs heavily before walking away while running his hands through his hair. And he stands there in silence for a few seconds.

"Why are you sending me away?"

I don't respond.

He suddenly looks back at me as he rests his hands on his hips. "Is this because of Eunwoo?"

I quickly look up into his eyes and shake my head, "No. I- I don't even have any contact with him-"

"You don't have to lie. I saw the way you two were interacting with each other...."

I don't say anything. How can I defend the way I was giggling at the others words last night so carelessly?

Jungkook slowly walks closer to me. "Jimin...tell me something...do you like him?"

I close my eyes and shake my head. Is Jungkook serious? "No, Jungkook....I...I don't. I only like you. I only w-want, you."

He grabs my chin, making me open my eyes, and I see that his face is inches away from mine.

"Then why are you sending me home for? You don't want this?"

More tears fall.

"I-I want this. I want you...But I- I want you to make love to me, not just sleep with me, Jungkook...I want you to stay the night afterwards, and wake up with me in your arms. I-I want you to hold me. T-To tell me you love me, too. I...I don't just want this Jungkook...I want all of you."

I'm sobbing now. Standing here, looking into his eyes.

Heart stinging at how bothered he looks.

"Jimin, you know I can't do tha-"

"Why not?! Why can't you?!"

"Because I'm fucking broken!"

My eyes widen at his shout, and I instantly go silent.

"You expect too much from me! You're saying this, even though you know damn fucking well I told you since the beginning, I am here for nothing else apart from doing what I want then leaving. You're doing this shit to yourself, I cannot be who you want me to be."

There it is.

That's all it took.

I slowly look down at the ground as I continue to let tears fall.

"You're right...you're so right, Jungkook...I am so stupid. So delusional...now, we'll leave each other alone. For good."

"...what?"

I look back into his eyes again, "I won't bother you anymore. You won't bother me. This, this is done. I'm sorry for ruining it-"

"Jimin...I..."

I look into his eyes impatiently. Waiting for something, anything.

Waiting for him to refuse to end this.

Waiting for him to tell me to stay.

Anything at all.

But he remains silent. And that gives me my answer.

Perhaps it's better this way.

"Bye, Jungkook," I whisper before walking away, and into my room.

I close my door and lean against it. Slowly sliding down as I sob louder.

And after hearing the front door slam, I cover my face with both hands.

Even after ending it, doing what I've needed to do for weeks now...I feel so damn pathetic.

How can I move on?

How could I let it get like this?

Why did I fall for someone so fucking heartless?!

I wipe my eyes as I stand, stumbling a little as I make my way over to my bed.

One way or another, I'll have to live with the fact, that he won't ever love me back.

I have to live with the fact...

That I need to move on.

I need to move, on.