UNPLANNED | namjoon ✔️

15 - unspoken

You swallowed the pizza, stomach clenching a little. "Uh... eventful."

And then you had recounted to him, although a little reluctantly, what had happened at the cafe with Taehyung. 

The more you spoke, the more closed off Namjoon became, until he was a rigid, jaw clenching mess as you recounted the different details, the fact that Taehyung wanted to step up.

"Are you sure this is the best idea?" Joonie was saying now, eyeing you with concern, but you could see from his face that he was angry, too. 

"I don't know. But I think Nari deserves a chance to know her father, Joonie," you said in a resolute voice. 

Namjoon opened his mouth to respond, but shut it again. 

"What?" you provoked, in the kind of mood today that would probably get you into trouble. "Tell me what you want to tell me."

He sighed, dropping his pizza into the box and standing, moving away a little. When he turned back, he looked troubled.

"It's not my place," he shook his head a little. "I'm not you. And I'm not her father."

"Joonie, you're my best friend. You know it is always your place," you urged him on. "Tell me what's on your mind."

"Fine," he murmured, gazing at you steadily. "I think it's a bad idea. He has already walked away from you once before and it nearly broke you. The only reason I didn't kill him with my bare hands that day is because I was there, by your side, taking his place when he left you. And now he shows up out of the blue four years later? It's bullshit."

"He says he's changed," you offered in Taehyung's defence, but Namjoon just rolled his eyes.

"Of course he does. But he hasn't realised yet that being a father is not about choosing to do it one day. You have been a mother every day for the last four years. You never put yourself first. What gives you the impression that he's going to change?"

"Well..." you shifted uncomfortably. You didn't really know why you were defending Taehyung, but Namjoon was so inflamed about this that you had to try and reason with him. "I don't know, Joonie, he seemed much more... mature when I spoke to him the other day. What if he's ready to step up and commit?"

Namjoon was silent at this, gazing at you, as if to say, who are you trying to convince?

"I'm just... saying," you continued, getting a little annoyed with Namjoon, "That we shouldn't judge him on one past mistake. Taehyung is a good guy."

This, clearly, was the wrong thing to say.

"God," Namjoon let out a laugh at your statement, but it wasn't a humour-filled one. It was dark and bitter. "Seriously? It's like you still have a thing for him."

At this, you froze. The rage rose in your stomach, buzzing violently.

"I'm sorry?" you stood up to face him, unable to believe what you were hearing. "What the hell gave you that impression?"

"Because even now, five years later, you're bending over backwards for him when you don't even know if he'll commit!" Namjoon said, growing more and more frustrated. "And it won't end well for you, you'll just end up chasing him and chasing him for the rest of your life! It's exhausting, trust me, I should know!"

You froze at the implication of his words. Namjoon swallowed hard, as if he'd just given something away he hadn't meant to.

"What's that supposed to mean?" you questioned, heart pounding as you eyed him desperately. "What the fuck is that-"

"You know full well what it means!" he raged, and this time - for the first time ever - Namjoon raised his voice.

It made you go quiet. The silence hung between you like a heavy cloud, dense and impenetrable. 

He was breathing heavily, and so were you. It seemed as if you were finally beginning to say the things that had been unspoken. Finally beginning to get to the root of it all.

Something unspoken was flowing beneath the current of this conversation, and one of you was going to break, and say it.

"Joonie," you began, quietly this time, trying to establish some sense of calm. "I get it, okay. I know how much you care about Nari."

Namjoon's eyes met yours, and then he was laughing. A low, humourless laugh.

"Nari," he repeated, voice dark and low, brown eyes glinting. "You think this is all about Nari."

You gazed at him in challenge. "Isn't it?"

Namjoon, who had been standing still all this time in a defensive position a few feet away, finally relaxed. He took a tiny step backwards, assessing you from there.

"I wouldn't say that, no," he said now, in a tone so casual it was almost believable.

"Then tell me," you urged, sick of all the sidestepping and gameplaying. "Please. Stop playing with me and just say it."

But Namjoon just gazed at you. All of a sudden, it was like the fire had gone out in his eyes, leaving him with just sadness and disappointment. As if he were giving up the fight.

"If you don't know by now," he replied, with a resigned smile, "I really don't think there's any point."

With that, he was turning on his heel, his shoulders slumped as he reached for his jacket.

"Namjoon, no," you called after him panickedly, your limbs unfreezing all of a sudden, propelling you forward to where he was walking purposefully to your front door. "No, Joonie - wait -"

But it was too late. He was already gone, the door slamming shut behind him.

Your hand met the hardwood, resting a palm on it as if to communicate with his retreating figure on the other side.

"Don't go," you murmured, feeling tears beginning to sting in the corners of your eyes as you rested your forehead against the door. It felt like the worst thing in the world, letting him walk away just now, knowing full well that you hadn't been honest with yourself, or with him.

It was then, absurdly, that you realised the truth. One that had gone unspoken for the last few weeks at least, though you suspected behind that was a well of emotion that had been building since you had met him.

Here it was. The reason for this argument, and the buzzing in your stomach, and the tension between you. 

The truth. 

And only now, in this moment of utter devastation, could you admit it.

"I love you," you managed.

The words you had meant to say to him reverberated off hardwood and back to you, as the first tear fell.

The second tear had barely hit the floor with an inaudible plink, when the front door was opening again. 

Namjoon had turned his key in the lock, swinging the door open and making you step back with a soft gasp. He closed the door behind him, and gazed down at you with wide, vulnerable eyes.

You knew from one glimpse of his face.

He'd heard what you'd said.

"Joonie..." you uttered, but Namjoon cut off wherever that sentence was going.

He cupped your face in his hands, and pressed his lips against yours.

-- ★ --