White Noise {Ayushiki AU}

Efforts

I knew why he came. I guess it worked out for him, knowing that he finally found someone who understood him. But I knew for a fact that I wasn't such a perfect person to talk to, especially now that I'm going through the most broken phase of my existence. I'm not an easy person to talk to when you see the true side of me. And I know Kishinuma knows too.

Once I exited the bathroom everything suddenly went dark. In front of me was I see a boatload of students staring at me with their cold, dead eyes. As I look down, traces of crimson red blood trail on the floor. I kneel down and I scrape some of the blood off with my finger. Is this my blood? I examine it more carefully, I confirmed that this is the same blood from inside of my body. I look up and the people that were staring at me earlier crowded upon me. Their expressions looked confused and it looked as if they were examining me. I stare back at them and I almost cry. Now, I wanted to die more than I ever wanted to. This was my worst fear, people ganging up on me, trying to kill me with their deadly stares. "H...he...l...p." I try to say, I could barely speak and I could feel my blood flowing more than it ever has. My nearly healed scars reopened with blood flowing slowly out of it. "Hel...p." I say. I want to let out a scream, but I couldn't, no matter how hard I tried. Where is Kishinuma? "I...need...y..." I couldn't finish what I wanted to say. I can't speak. Those deadly eyes are still staring at me. I couldn't understand what's happening.

I didn't recognize the people who ganged up on me until this moment. They were all people I've seen in this school before. These were the people that I talked to who saw the other side of me. The happy, outgoing, Ayumi Shinozaki they all knew. I saw Satoshi and Nakashima behind me, giving me the two most deadly stares of all. Petrified, I look away, and I turn my head only to find Suzumoto and Morishige staring at me too. Within the crowd, I couldn't see Kishinuma anywhere. "You're...not...here..." I say desperately.

All of a sudden, they take out knives and start pointing them at me. I stand up and on the floor between my feet, I see a blood written message saying You lied to us, class rep.

I'm trembling. I don't know what to do. I'm so scared. "Go...for...it..." I say to the staring eyes of each person. "I lied...now...I...have...to...pay..." I then cough out an ocean of blood. I couldn't feel the pain, but they were stabbing me for sure. I couldn't see anything but a pitch black screen and my own body lying flat on the floor. My eyes were closed and I knew that it's not a nightmare anymore. I'm dying, without getting to say 'I love you' to anyone and meant it. But, how could I love anyone if I didn't know how to love myself?

I let out my final words. "Hi mom...hi...sis..."

I knew I was dead but I couldn't move or see anything. Where's mom and Hinoe? Shouldn't I be able to see them?

"Don't give up...I love you..." the voice belonged to someone I knew and I've seen earlier on. He's here now. "Please don't go, you've got a lot of things ahead of you, if anything I would be the one who were to die."

"YOSHIKI!" I scream. I still couldn't see anything or anyone, but I was able to talk. "Is it really you?"

I get no response. Can he hear me?

"You remind me so much of my sister." He says. I remain silent, knowing that he couldn't hear me after all. "I wasn't able to save her, and I couldn't forgive myself for it. One of the biggest mistakes of my life. If you were to die, I would've too. Just by knowing you and your story. I knew that I wouldn't want to lose you. Now that you're gone, feel like I haven't done my job as a human being right. I've failed two people now. Both you and my sister."

I suddenly was able to see. On a gloomy, rainy day, I see Kishinuma standing on top of the balcony railing. I couldn't move or speak to him. He was ready to jump off.

"I couldn't save Miki and I couldn't save you. What kind of person am I?" He says, I gasp, trying to tell him that he's wrong. But my efforts were useless. "There's no point in living anymore. If I keep living, I will continuously fail more people." I start to cry. "But Kishinuma, you didn't fail. You didn't know your sister was in so much pain, and you tried your best to comfort me. It worked." He still couldn't hear me. His feet was on the brink of the rail. He was going to jump from three stories above the streets of Japan. I couldn't watch. I hate seeing people I care about die. I've had enough. Yoshiki can't die. He's going to be another person that I care about gone within a matter of time. "If you die, I'll just be more depressed." I say. I knew it was futile. He couldn't hear me. "Shinozaki, I love you." I gasp as he jumps from the rail onto the ground. I didn't want to watch. I cry endlessly as I try to put out some words. "I love you too..."

I open my eyes once again and I see a white roof above me. I'm back in the real world. I'm not dead yet. He's not dead yet.

I notice that I'm lying on an unfamiliar couch and I'm still in my uniform. I look to the side and I notice a small TV and a record player. Where am I? I sit up and I check the rest of my surroundings. I hear the main door unlatch and I see a familiar face. It's Kishinuma. "Kishinuma?" I ask.

"Hey, I see you're awake!" He says.

"What happened?"

"You passed out from blood loss and I took you to the doctor's. They said you'd be fine, so I took you here to rest."

"Wait, what about school?"

"I can't believe you'd worry about school rather than your own health, but, I have all the assignments written down, don't worry." He sits down beside me on the couch.

I was speechless, so I stared at him for a couple of seconds before I let something escape from my mouth.

"I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"For causing you so much trouble. I couldn't believe you'd do this for me. Taking me here and helping me get through this."

"Heh, no problem. I just...don't want to fail again."

"What does that supposed to mean?"

"I don't want to lose another person I care about."

"Wait, you care about me?"

"Yeah, you changed my life."

"I did?"

"Totally. You made me realize that there's still hope. And if you were to leave..." he lets out a small sigh and tears come out of his eyes. "...I'd fail again." His head was tilted down and his eyes were watered. It remained silent for a bit. I tilt his head this way and I pull him in for a soft, yet long kiss. He kisses me back and after a few seconds we let go. "Wouldn't want to lose you either." I say. He puts his arm around me. "After what just happened, I'm not going anywhere."