White Noise {Ayushiki AU}

Depression

I didn't really know him, but I couldn't understand why I felt strangely comfortable around him. I wonder if it's just me, or if it was the principal incident that made me understand him. He always seemed like a mean and tough person to almost everyone who walked by him, but in reality, I think he's facing problems. Just like me.

I really want to talk to him, but I think I'll just be a nuisance to his recovery process. I don't think I'll be able to help him, I'll just make it worse.

I never was the type of person to give advice to anyone, even before I became an idled teen. I always was the person who received it. Maybe through middle school, I was unknowingly preparing for the event that changed me. But I didn't know it was going to be this way. I didn't know it was going to be so heartbreaking.

Your life can change in an instant.

After art class it was another free period. I knew the drill. It was knife time once again. I walked out and I saw a huge crowd of people talking to one another.

"Hey did you hear about 2-9's class rep." is what I hear while I enter the crowd. It belonged to a male. I decide to hide behind the nearest wall and listen to the conversation.

"Yeah, I did. I didn't know she was such a weak faggot." says another voice. It belonged to a girl.

"Oh my God, I couldn't agree more." says the boy.

"My mom and my dad died in a plane crash, but I didn't go all suicidal on it." the girl says.

"Exactly. She always seemed so happy and helpful, I don't understand." the boy says. I decide to stop listening and I cry silently with my hands over my eyes. Perfect timing. I was just about to go cut myself in the bathroom. Now I can die. Now I can be at peace in the other world.

I guide myself to the nearest restroom and I get my bag ready. I check to see if my knife was in there. Knife, check. I think while I see my knife buried beneath the notebook papers stuffed inside my bag. I zip up my bag and I try to dry my tears. I have to save these for later. I get to the bathroom and I check for any other person in the room. I kick open each stall door to find no one in it. I lock the bathroom entrance and I prepare myself for my suicide. Ayumi, I know you don't want to do this, but it's for the best. You will be happy, everyone will be happy. It's okay. Everything will be okay. I think. I'm right, it's for the best.

I enter a stall and I put the toilet seat down and I grab the knife from my bag. I cut deeply into my wrist and I take out a stray notebook paper from my bag. I find a pencil on the floor and I apply blood from my wrist on the pencil. I start writing my suicide letter with my own blood.

My name is Ayumi Shinozaki and I'm the class rep of 2-9. I'm 17 years old and I've experienced a great loss a few months back. My mom and sister died in the deadly shooting in Tokyo and I'm here all alone. I was a happy and helpful person every day, but every chance I'd get, I will grab my knife and cut myself. I hid my scars so no one would know. Until this day. Some one spread my story. Whoever did it, I hope you're sorry as you see my corpse in this very stall. Goodbye. I hope you really got to know me. But it's too late.

I start to cut on my left wrist. Blood is pouring out like a river. I think it's time to show the world who I really am.

I put the suicide letter next to my left foot and I spy a sturdy rope in the stall next to me. It looks long enough. It looks sturdy enough. I can kill myself with that.

I grab the rope and I stand on top of the toilet seat. I tie the rope to a small hook on the ceiling. I tie the other end to my neck. I'm ready to jump off.

5...4...3...2...1...

I jumped off and I could feel the choking feeling around my neck. It feels good. It hurts. I'm almost dead. I know it.

Then all of a sudden, with my blurred vision and deafness, I see someone kick the door open. It was him.

He untied the rope as fast as he could from my neck with his amazing fine motor skills and I fell on my knees to the ground. I was hyperventilating. I was mad. Why did he stop me? How? Was I really not that far from the ground?

He kneels down by me and holds me by my shoulders. I try to breathe normally. "Breathe, it's okay." he says gently. I could hear again. I see his worried face clearly. I continue to breathe rapidly but after a while, of doing so, I pass out. The last thing I saw was his genuine face.

He saved me.