White Noise {Ayushiki AU}

Questionnaire

I turned my back and I walked the other direction. They're still goddamn kissing? I thought. If I had a boyfriend, I would've done the same thing. Kiss in the empty hallways, hold hands, create warm hugs, and things like that.

But the truth is, I don't want just any boyfriend.

I want Mochida.

It's 12 o'clock P.M. and that means it's free period. Not only do I eat my minute snack, I go to the bathroom and I cry endless tears and grab my knife and cut on my fragile, broken skin. As I left class, I saw Mochida and Nakashima helping the teacher out with some cleaning.

"Satoshi, this is too much work, let's get class rep to help us out!" I heard Nakashima say quietly as she was dusting off the anatomical model.

"I think we should ask someone else, she has...other things to do." Mochida said to her as he tucked a stray section of her hair behind her ear.

Does he possibly know about my suicidal thoughts? Fuck. He must think I'm a weak bitch.

I walk out of the godforsaken classroom and I then feel a cold tear stroll down my cheek. I opened my locker and I put my books away and I grabbed my snack bag containing my lunch and my pocket knife.

It's time.

I run down the halls to the bathroom. Then I stop as I overhear the principal scolding at another student. I listen to it as I sit down by the bench beside the principal's office and grab my snack, pretend to eat, and looked out the see through glass by the door.

"You need to start caring more about your studies," the principal said gently to a bleach-headed boy. I've seen him before, but I never talked to him. His name is Yoshiki Kishinuma and he's a delinquent. All I know about him is that he lives alone, just like me. I wonder if he's gone through the same thing.

"You were a star student at your early days at Kisaragi, until you've bleached your hair and started to turn things late, and miss school! What happened?" The principal said to him. Kishinuma stayed quiet and I figured that he was trying to come up with a lie. He has the same face expression I make when I try to come up with a lie when Ms. Yui asks me why I always look so sad. I usually reply with "I'm just tired." or "It's been a while since we've talked." I hear him reply with "I've been going through something that I feel that affected me to become this way."

"What do you mean by that, Kishinuma?" The bald-headed principal said to him.

"Principal Shiru, I don't feel that I want to talk about it. It's truly a long story."

I didn't want to eavesdrop for much longer, or else I'll get caught and be in the same position as Kishinuma. I stood up from the bench and I kept walking towards the direction of the girl's bathroom.

At this time of day, it's usually empty, but I see my classmate, Mayu Suzumoto putting on some makeup. She was a sweet and cute girl. She has short brown hair and a segment of her upper right hair is tied up with a string with two pink marbles. She wears pink socks with white stripes and a charm bracelet with brick-like charms on it. "Hey class rep!" she says to me with her cute voice.

"What's up, Suzumoto? Anything new?" I say to her, pretending I'm okay.

"Ah, nothing much I suppose. I'm just fixing my makeup."

"How's it going with Morishige-kun?"

"I'm trying, really, but I just don't know if he feels the same."

"I'm sure he knows, Suzumoto, it just takes a little time." I said while touching her soft shoulder.

"Thanks for the reminder, class rep. Even after your mom and sister died, you're still working that smile we all love."

"Yeah, I guess so."

"Well, gotta run, Shig is waiting for me outside. Catch you later."

She ran out the door with her bag and makeup set.
You're still working that smile we all love.

Sure. Sure I am.

I checked to see if there was anyone else in the bathroom with me. It's clear. I put myself into the third stall to the right. I put the toilet seat down and I open my bag to retrieve the pink pocket knife I used to cut myself in the tub this morning. I roll down my socks and I start cutting near my shin. Slice, slice, slice. I feel my warm blood come out of my skin. It hurt so much, but it felt very good. The same thoughts drift through my mind and I forgot what I thought about this morning in the bath. Kill yourself kill yourself kill yourself kill yourself kill yourself kill yourself kill yourself kill yourself kill yourself kill yourself kill yourself kill yourself kill yourself. These redundant thoughts continue to scramble in my head. I rolled up my socks and exited the stall. I quickly washed my pocket knife and jammed it into my bag. I felt as if I was a broken toy. I am a broken toy. Seeing all these people smile and wave at me at class is just heartbreaking, knowing that I've been putting on a fake smile.

I'm not the Ayumi Shinozaki everyone knows.