𝐍𝐄𝐕𝐄𝐑 𝐀𝐆𝐀𝐈𝐍, ʰʷᵃⁿᵍ ʰʸᵘⁿʲⁱⁿ

NINETEEN, panic attacks

jaemin doesn't look at me, his eyes are fixated on the wall to the left of him. the tears are spewing down his face now, falling all down his neck and wetting the collar of his dress shirt, his light makeup softly stains the white shirt.

"and then," i scoff through my tears, "you pull the stunt at the cafe. saying she was a crazy ex-girlfriend and that you couldn't believe her craziness did such a thing when you know that is the farthest from the truth."

his cries are audible now. he tries to say something but he can't get it out so i continue.

"she got death threats, jaemin. death threats. people threatened to shoot her on the street if they ever saw her. you put her life in danger."

the thought of moonie being harmed by a crazy sasaeng makes my heart explode inside of my chest.

"you could have killed her" the words feel like poison in my mouth. i can't bear the thought of her death.

he shakes his head but not a single word leaves his mouth.

he just stands there and sobs. until he's finally calmed down enough. i think he's going to say something but he looks in the mirror, takes one breath in and one breath out.

then, he just turns on his heels and leaves.

when the two of them are out of my room, i sit back down on the couch.

i just think about everything.

everything.

her. him. them together. ara. the airport. the boys. her god blessed man back in new york. all of it.

i think about all of it.

how different it could've been if i would have just seen those stupid letters were hers. how couldn't i tell that that was my best friends writing. her beautiful words coming from her beautiful soul.

i was so stupid to not see it.

how could i have ever thought that ara gwan wrote those. ara gwan. the girl who had me beat up when i was 12 for correcting her in class. the girl who tripped me in the lunch room when we were just kids.

the girl i let completely manipulate me into leaving my best friends.

i bury my face in my hands and let tears seep out, running down my arms. my breathing is quick and it's hard for me to catch my breath.

i hyperventilate, on the verge of throwing up and passing out. why did i do this?

why couldn't i have been at least a little bit smarter?

why did i have to leave them for her? why didn't i come back sooner? why did i say those awful words to moonie? why didn't i make it to the airport in time?

my knee bounces quickly and i struggle to find my breath. my lungs try their best but they exhale as quickly as they inhale. it's hard for me to breathe.

the room feels like it's spinning and with every passing second, the spinning gets faster.

i feel like the world just upped its rotation by 8 million percents