𝐍𝐄𝐕𝐄𝐑 𝐀𝐆𝐀𝐈𝐍, ʰʷᵃⁿᵍ ʰʸᵘⁿʲⁱⁿ

NINETEEN, panic attacks

just sweet contact between my fist and another hard object.

i would prefer to hit jaemin's face or the version of myself that stood at prom and uttered harsh words to the only girl that i will ever truly see.

every day i wish i could go back and slap myself in my stupid face.

the door swings open with a quick burst, taking my attention from the idea of sending my fist flying.

i expect it to be my manager, but when i look up and see jaemin and his big bodyguard behind him, my blood boils even more. i am completely seething.

"what the fuck was that?!" jaemin says to me, walking in and shutting the door behind him and the buff man.

my eyes look up at him.

he doesn't deserve moonie. he never deserved moonie. no one deserves moonie.

not any single person that walks this plane of existence deserves the beauty that is illiad moon. anyone who is lucky enough to cross her path should feel like they have won the god damn lottery.

"you're an asshole" i say and jaemin's face contorts to give me a look. "i'm the asshole," he points at himself, "i'm the asshole?! wow. so we're doing that now. you know what? at least i'm not the one that ruined moonie on the one night she looked forward to."

how dare he bring that up.

"you're right, i'm an asshole for that," i stand up and take a step towards him causing his guard to shift slightly, "but you, you're the one that ruined her fresh start in new york."

he shakes his head, looking over at the wall.

"you left her, jaemin, high and dry with nothing. you didn't give her a single explanation to anything" my voice raises at him and he flinches slightly.

"you left her and the rest of the boys for a bitch that did nothing but ruin your life when you were a kid. you left all of them. you treated them, and especially moonie, like they were scum on the bottom of your shoe" jaemin says.

i notice his bodyguard look at the ground uncomfortably as we exchange our words. he doesn't want to be hearing our conversation.

"i've owned up to my mistakes, jaemin! i know what i did. i see how i absolutely ruined moonie and i's relationship. i'm able to see how fucked i was! i live in my mistake, every single day" my palms start to sweat and i feel like i could burst into tears at any second.

"you could've made it, jaemin! she loved you so much!" i shout and a tear comes rolling down my cheek, his as well.

"you could've had everything. you could do no wrong in her eyes. you were perfect. the way she talked about you, on her instagram, on her twitter, everything. you were an angel in her life when i fucked up. when i treated her and the boys like they were nothing" both of us are crying at this point, noses running, tears falling.

"and then YOU left her. with nothing, just like i did. i know for a fact, that she spent hours calling and texting you. trying to get a response from you. trying to hold onto you and every little bit of you she could because i left her and she didn't want to lose you either. and then look what you did. you up and left her."