SCRIPTURIENT REVIEWS | OPEN

❄️ Fall Of Dragonesia | ASNA ❄️

Now, this is something which does not happen to everyone. It also introduces your entire story. Dragons. Blood. Injustice. War.

2. For better readability, try to make your sentences simple.

For example, "Streams of painful tears plummeted down from her eyes." should be "Streams of painful tears plummeted down her eyes."

Similarly, "The screams of Alana were only accompanied by..." should be "Alana's screams were only accompanied by..."

In your daily life, how often do you use 'of' to show possession? I'm guessing quite less. Reader's will comprehend the text better if it's in their daily usage.

3. But in vain......... in anger.

This paragraph is really good (other than punctuation mistakes). I can picture everything in my mind and I'm totally disgusted by the cruel dragon. Like, I actually thought I might throw up. Awesome work here. However, the sentence, "A revolting smirk danced on his lips as he watched the girl, whimpering at the memory of her mother and burning within in anger." has structuring issues.

Reading the sentence, it seems like the dragon was whimpering and burning in anger (which is quite a funny image). Edit the sentence like this, "A revolting smirk danced on his lips as watched the girl, who was whimpering at the memory of her mother and burning with anger." (Also, use any one; either 'with anger' or 'in anger').

4. There was no doubt that Alana was the prey and he was the predator.

You state it yourself; there was no doubt. Then why write this sentence? Your readers already know this. There is no use stating the obvious.

5. I noticed that you try to use formal language, and as a result, make your sentences complex. Doing this does you no favour. It only makes the sentences sound a little awkward.

Let's take an example.

You write, "The dragon, whereas, felt aggravation seeping through him, due to not receiving the reaction, he had desired."

You can simply write, "The dragon felt aggravation seep through him; he did not receive the reaction he had desired."

You also say, "The dragon did expect Alana to walk on her own accord. And he cheered inside his mind when she did begin walking."

It can be written as, "The dragon expected Alana to walk on her own accord. And he cheered mentally when she began walking."

6. The overall craft is really good. I can see where the story will go by reading the first chapter, but the whole picture is still blurry. Which is good because you don't want your readers to guess the entire plot after reading the first chapter.

7. Your characters have distinct voices. Good work.

8. Your writing is very descriptive and I really love it. Keep up the good work.

9. Your scenes flow smoothly, and transitions are not awkward. You've done a great job at plotting your story.

Punctuation/Grammar: 4/10

Your grammar is fine, but punctuation needs help. You should look up the rules yourself because there are so many. However, I can tell you what areas need improvement.

1. You use a lot of commas. Many are irrelevant. A link is attached inline where you can find all the rules.

2. You also struggle with punctuating dialogue. There are many cases of wrong capitalisation.

3. Some sentences also do not make sense because of wrong punctuation.

4. Similarly, there are a few cases of incorrect grammar.

You can PM me for examples if you want.

Characters: 10/10

Okay, I just LOVE your characters! Especially Alana and Leon. They're so unique and humanised. I feel for them. I just can't explain how awesome they are.

Plot: 10/10

The plot is just *chef's kiss*. AWESOME!

Your interesting plot is what keeps the readers intrigued. At the end of every chapter, I was so hooked. And the messages you give through your writing are really good. And you blend them in your writing so well. It's just SO good.

Overall Comment:

Your book has the potential to become a masterpiece. Your narration, the plot, characters, they're really good. All you need to do is work on your first impression, punctuation, and a little bit of sentence structure. Otherwise, your book is probably one of the best fantasy novels out there.