The LoveLorn Wife

Chapter 2 ||

Mugilan

                              }•{

Fuck!!!

I shouldn’t have done that.

What’s the point of spending three  years doing degree, two years in masters and extra two years for M.pill before i practised in  clinic under supervisor for another year and got my RCI license only to spend whole five years being known as a Respective  and well known psychotherapist in whole Chennai and yet i fucking can’t behave like one. 

Being a psychotherapist is something I enjoy and life for but these days my profession  isn’t very helpful to me when all I do is sit on a chair, stare at the wall and regret doing and saying  things which I should have not.

For example,  breaking my own rule for a client.

Today i broke the first rule of mine
* No crossing boundaries *

Shakthi.

This woman, everytime i look at her she literally sucks the breath out of my lungs and I wonder if she knows what her mere presence  does to me. I’ve never allowed myself to be governed by someone else until the moment I met her.

Her eyes, I still relive the moment inside my head when the first time I looked into her eyes and never wanted to look away after that.

And it was also the moment i realised that i’m gonna put myself into fucked up situation very soon nevertheless didn’t expected it to happen this soon.

It’s just a month, hardly five sessions , three hours and seventy five minutes spent breathing the same air as hers and yet I'm already having trouble controlling the urge of crossing all my  professional limits for her.

Why did I not control my freaking mouth before saying the damn details of the vacant flat and asking her if she would be okay with being my neighbour ? like what the fuck got into me ? I could have kept my mouth shut and my nose in my business but no, I chose to do something that I never did before for any of my clients.

I crossed a line and acted out of my profession which I never did before in the seven years of my being a  psychotherapist.

I should have remained silence when she almost walked out of the office room in hurry but no, i had to stand up all tensed up and stop her from leaving only  to embrace myself further more by throwing the vacant flat information with a  ‘ you will be my neighbour if you choose to accept my favour so be aware ’ kind of disclaimer at the end only to get  a  straight ass big “  NO, thanks “ from her before she disappeared from my sight.

And i’ve been staring at the same space from the moment she left, embarrassaed and too fucked up to figure out why all of sudden i thought of having her as my neighbour would be good. Don’t I know the causes of spending fifty minutes in a week with her in every session ? how can I keep a check on myself that I don't do any blender and embarrass myself in front of her ? how her words, her eyes, her tears and voice constantly plays in my head on loop mode snatching my peaceful sleep ? How I have to fight the unwelcoming feelings I didn't feel in the last few years makes my heart thump against my chest every time she walks inside my office for  the session. All this was already too much for me to figure out and handle and now I decided to put myself into a more disordered situation by welcoming her to my neighbourhood where I would be going through all these things more often compared to now  and yet how could I think of her being my neighbour would be good ?

Ummm….No……It’s a bad idea.

In the past one month i tried many time to slip away from this feelings, i tried to ignore the flummoxing thoughts that never stops chasing me in her presence, at a point i almost succeed but when she sits in front of me and looks at me taking my breath away and making me timorous for the next few seconds i end up losing the battle with the uncertain yet similar feelings that i didn’t felt in long time.