The Marauders - Order of the Phoenix - Part Two

XLV: 26 February, 1994

He turned around. 

Sitting in the chair, looking completely bewildered, red about the face, and eyes wide with trouble was James.

No - Harry.

Harry looked something between terrified and relieved to see Remus, and Remus's eyes turned from Harry to Severus Snape and -- 

His breath caught in his throat.

The Marauders Map hung from Severus's hand.

There was a pause - a moment in which Severus raised his eyebrows at Remus, expecting an initial, uncontrolled reaction, but luckily, Remus was so shocked to see it in such an odd place that he reacted more with curiosity (how the bloody hell did it get here?) than with the clear recognition that Snape had hoped for.

"You called, Severus?" Remus said, keeping his tone even.

"I certainly did," Severus was ripe - his face contorting, his hands shaking as he thrust the map toward Remus with such ferocity that Remus nearly jumped back from the motion out of instinct. "I have just asked Potter to empty out his pockets. He was carrying this." The words Potter and this were said with equal hatred, equal disdain.

Remus's eyes moved over the words.

 Messer Moony presents his compliments to Professor Snape, and begs him to keep his abnormally large nose out of other people's business.

Messer Prongs agrees with Messer Moony, and would like to add that Professor Snape is an ugly git.

Messer Padfoot would like to register his astonishment that an idiot like that ever became a professor.

Messer Wormtail bids Professor Snape a good day, and advisesn him to wash his hair, the slime ball.

Remus stared.... and stared... and stared...

For bloody fucking hell's sake, Remus -- Remus thought viciously to himself -- do not laugh. DO NOT LAUGH. Oh Gods how do I not laugh? I've never wanted to laugh more than this in my entire life. There have been a thousand pranks, twelve million jokes, and twice that in stupid puns. And this -- THIS MOMENT -- will forever be the one in which I had to fight the hardest to contain my bloody laughter. I don't care what Sirius has or has not done, the next time I see him I am telling him about this moment and we are going to laugh our arses right off. There is no way I'm going to make it through the next thirty seconds without laughing. Thanks be to every god in the entire history of mankind, the universe, and any other meta-verses there are that legilimency is useless on werewolves.

"WELL?" pressed Snape, shaking the parchment at Remus.

THINK ABOUT SOMETHING HORRIBLE LUPIN! SOMETHING DOWN RIGHT DEPRESSING!! YOU'VE BEEN DEPRESSED FOR TWELVE YEARS, SURELY YOU'VE GOT SOME SORT OF NASTY THOUGHT YOU CAN THINK RIGHT NOW THAT WILL KEEP THIS BLEEDING LAUGHTER IN YOUR BODY.

Remus could feel Harry's eyes on him.

He didn't dare to open his mouth. 

He looked directly into Severus Snape's eyes.

"This parchment is plainly full of Dark Magic," Severus said coldly, glaring about as hard as Severus Snape had ever glared at anybody before in his entire life.

He had to of practiced that stare in a mirror,  Remus thought. People don't just go about being BORN with faces like THAT.

"This is supposed to be YOUR area of expertise, Lupin," Snape said, his tone digging. "Where... do you... imagine... Potter... got such a thing?"