For my sister | Negan |

68 - Leaving

I was helping out an injured Saviour... no, former Saviour, the other day, who told me something that got Negan on my mind even more.

'You got him rattled when you called out', the former Saviour, DJ, told me. 'Never saw him look so unsure before.'

'Really?' I asked him, my heart lifting at the news. Even though I was expecting it, it still hurt when Negan chose his vengeance over my life.

'He almost didn't want to go through with it', DJ continued. 'But you know, it had gone way too far for him to back out at that point. He told me to keep an eye out for you, though. Find you if I could and get you away from the danger.'

My mind started to spin so fast, I could hardly focus on his injuries anymore. Yes, he did go through with it even when he knew it would be a danger for me. But still, he tried to look out for me. In his own way.

But anyway, there's no point in dwelling over the man, because I can't see him and I probably never will again. When he's recovered enough, they'll put him in a jail cell. To live out his days as a symbol for the new world. A world in which we don't mindlessly kill each other.

I walk into the kitchen where Ella is aggressively chopping down some carrots, apparently choosing to channel her frustration into the preparation of our dinner. I suppose there's worse ways for her to release some of her anger.

'You alright, hun?' I ask her a little cautiously, leaning against the doorframe.

'Ugh, it's just...' she sighs. Planting the knife back into the counter, she pauses her work to look at me. She looks even more agitated than I anticipated.

'I thought that when this would all be over, everything would just be the same again. You know, like before. But Carl's gone... Our house is gone... Everybody's just... you know. It doesn't really feel like home here anymore, does it?'

I'm surprised to hear her say what I've been feeling too. I decided not to tell her how I felt, because I assumed she'd be happy to be back at Alexandria and I didn't want to ruin it for her. Any more than I already did by letting myself get close to Negan.

'I kinda feel the same way', I admit. 'But you know, I think it's just gonna take some time. A lot has happened. We were happy here once, we can be again.'

'Well, yeah, but...' she starts hesitantly. 'Sometimes I wish we could just...'

She looks at me a little doubtfully, her next words apparently stuck in her throat. Then she shakes her head and picks her knife back up.

'Never mind', she mumbles.

'What?' I ask her curiously. 'You wish we could just what?'

'Nothing', she says stubbornly. 'You won't want to do it.'

'Try me.'

She sighs again and looks back up at me. I wonder what this could possibly be about.

'Sometimes I wish we could go with Cal and B. Discover some new places, you know. Meet new people. I've seen nothing of the world.'

For a second, excitement has seeped through in her words. I catch the glimmer of it in her eyes as well. But then she quickly tones it down again and focuses her attention back on the carrots.

'But I know what you'll say. It's too dangerous. It's full of walkers and bad people out there... And then there's my shit.'

I let my head rest back against the wall and look at her, drawing herself in again. Cal and B have asked us to come with them and I admit that I was tempted. So much has happened. And though all I ever wanted through all of it was to help people, now everybody judges me. I could do with a new place, new people. I love being a doctor, but all I ever do is take care of people. My patients and Ella take up all my time.