Stage Hearts: The Derek Diaries 2

Chapter 8

It's four in the morning.  I can't sleep.  The ward is silent, save for the drone of the heart monitor and other machines I'm attached to beeping steadily.  My mind is going a million miles a minute.  Spoiler alert, I'm an adult, and when you're an adult in the hospital, you've got three options when you don't have visitors or the nurses aren't messing with you: you  watch TV, sleep, or just lay there with naught but your own thoughts for company.  I've been doing the third option for the last who knows how long.

The longer I'm left alone in this room with my thoughts, the more reality starts to sink in and the clearer memories become.  

About two days ago, I nearly took my last breath on an operating table while a team of surgeons sliced my abdomen open to take out whatever was left of my appendix and stop the infection from spreading.  That actually happened, and it wasn't just a bad dream, no matter how much it feels like one.  I almost died.  The only reason I'm still here is because those surgeons worked on me not once, but twice, to get me breathing again so that they didn't have to go out and give Hannah and Oliver the worst news of their lives, which they would have then had to relay to the rest of the Broadway cast.  And most likely, this would have resulted in the curtain closing on Chain Breaker forever, not to mention the entire fandom's world being destroyed.

Which brings me to my next point.  In about five and a half hours, Oliver and Hannah will be stepping into the theatre for the second time in their lives.  Except this time will be different.  This time, they will not be in the audience.  They will no longer be just two more faces at the stage door.  This time, Oliver will don the same gray sleeveless tunic that I have worn for hundreds of shows.  The same crutches that have carried me across the stage for three years will now carry him for the next two months.  Hannah will be fitted for ensemble robes, and in select scenes, she will dance and perform alongside her soulmate.  

Ah, soulmates.

That reminds me.  Morgan's comment on my post about my surgery yesterday has lived in my head rent free ever since it appeared on my feed.  I even took a screenshot and saved it to my favorites.  I don't know why.  It just felt like the right thing to do.  I think back to what Kaya told me yesterday when she came to see me.  She said that it was okay for me to message Morgan occasionally, so I decide to do so.  My phone is still on the charger next to my bed, so I pick it up and open WorldChat, taking a deep breath as I start a chat with Morgan.  I don't say much, just thank her for her sweet comments and taking care of Oliver and Hannah in my absence and invite her to talk whenever she feels like it.

And when I hit send, I wonder what the heck I let Kaya talk me into.

Did I just allow my stage sister to talk me into sliding into a girl's DMs?  Yes, I did.  And I'm in the hospital.  I am in no way, shape, or form in a position to be flirting with  or trying to slide into the DMs of anyone.  Unless, of course, Morgan is secretly one of those girls who thinks that scars are sexy and just doesn't have the guts to tell me.  Because if she is, then by all means, let her feel no shame.  

See, here's the thing.  Once my incisions scar and I'm able to leave them uncovered by dressing, I would like to take a picture.  I also model, and it's not like I ever say no to a shirtless photoshoot, so of course people are going to see them at some point.  I'm just concerned about what Oliver is going to feel about it.

I'm concerned about Oliver, period.  I have never seen anyone look more horrified or disturbed than he did when he saw me collapse in the park or when he saw me after surgery.  I also know that Oliver is probably going to hide his emotions from everyone, including Hannah.  He's going to hide his emotions until he breaks.  That's not healthy for anyone.  That's why I've made it explicitly clear to him that he is free to talk to me if he doesn't want to talk to Hannah.  I did this not because I don't trust their relationship, but because I know he's going to try to hide it from her to protect her.  He doesn't want to hurt her, so much so that he's told me to not tell her any graphic details of my recovery so she doesn't worry.  He claims he can handle it.  

I know you want to handle it, buddy, but that's not your burden to bear, I think to myself.  I can't do that to you.  

I'm never going to tell him that I almost died on the table.  However, should he find out somehow, I'm not going to lie to him.  If that happens, and I have a very strong sinking feeling that it will, I'll be honest with him, but I'll also do whatever I can to make sure he's okay.  In that case, I will also explain what happened to Hannah, Morgan, and everyone else so that they can be a support system for him.  I'm also not going to put pressure on him with this understudy role.  He's got to work his Oliver Carowski magic.  I'm not going to tell him how to play Enso.  I've seen him play Enso, and I know he is fully capable of playing him his way.  

There's so much that has happened in two short days.  In one weekend, I've lost my appendix and nearly my life, I've made my best friend my understudy, and I think I've fallen in love with Hannah's roommate.  

I just hope I don't screw any of this up.