Replaceable Timelines: Book 1. [COMPLETED]

Chapter 19: Shock

Nothing out of the ordinary has happened again today, so far so good.

I've been slowly distancing myself from my friends and Emma. I've been having the same excuse of leaving my phone at home during the school day and blaming it on not sleeping well or work. Mr. Radek has mostly returned to his normal self, from what I can tell anyway. He's been handling all the weight of planning and preparing to mobilize against anyone we may be able to find. Whereas I've been trying to follow his advice, without him around I'd likely be fucked.

I keep imagining situations in which I'll need to use my gun, but I can't put the image in my head of shooting anyone. I've grown to avoid conflict and enjoyed my happy little bubble with my friends for the past couple of months, now with all my memories intact, I've begun remembering things I'd rather have forgotten.

The idea of death isn't exactly foreign to me, I've seen people die. Austin died in front of me, and I had no way of helping him at that time. I watched him suffocate on his own vomit while in a state of euphoria from the heroine. It's in the past, I've tried justifying it, as being a mistake, I'd made that I won't let happen again.

But in that regard, I'm not doing a very good job, Austin's been avoiding me again, while I was off playing video games with Josh and Charlie and spending my time playing chess with everyone after school, Austin's been slowly falling into the same habits in the past, and I neglected my responsibilities as a friend to help drift him into a better situation.

I just hope he'll talk to me soon, and that it's not too late.

There's also the memory where me and Dad got into a fistfight, and me getting my ass whooped by my old man and kicked out of the house, I'm not exactly fond of that memory... I guess it still stings.

I understand why he did it though.

My failings as a son, my addiction, and the stealing I'd do around the neighborhood, and to my family...

And the cherry on top of the shit cake, was me punching mom. I know she said she forgave me before, but I could never face them again.

These thoughts are a bit heavy to be thinking of on the bus.

The students around me are too loud, the seats are cramped beside one another, there isn't any heat in the back of the bus and I'm cold.

I've been staring blankly out of the window, the scenery passed by, but I don't even see it. I've been ignoring these feelings for a while, I've been occupied, worrying about dying, that the idea of a depressive episode hasn't had the opportunity to arise. But stress and depression go hand in hand.

The "in vicinity" signal hasn't disappeared yet, I keep focusing on it.

I want to shake this feeling off, but I haven't been able to focus on anything today, nothing is keeping my attention.

The kids around me are chatting with one another, laughing even, but their words and the sounds of my environment blend into a meaningless buzz. I know I need to regain my energy and talk to someone. But the people I've grown accustomed to could be in danger if they're in contact with me. Mr. Radek is the only one I can talk to, but we've got bigger things to worry about than my moods.

The bus stops and begins letting off students, they pile in droves out the doorway, I gather up my things and head out last. The walk home doesn't feel any different, besides the motion of my legs pressing forward, and not immobile on the bus.

Mr. Radek needed to do some "Housekeeping" before picking me up today, I don't know what that means, but he told me he'd need a few minutes. Without the constant distractions I'd kept my time occupied with, the bad thoughts are coming back again. I remember why I was an addict, to begin with, maybe it'll follow me around forever. I've got an urge to get high right now, or maybe just to feel comforted.