In My Skin

CH 52 || The Monster Beneath My Skin

I scrambled for something to say. Anything. "That doesn't mean—I mean we can always be friends—"

"Friends?" Killian echoed, facing me again. "I don't want to be friends with you."

I inwardly flinched at his harsh tone.

"Tay. You have to decide. Do you want me in your life or not? Which means do you want to be my girlfriend or not? Cause I am not doing this half-assed thing anymore. That doesn't work for me."

My stomach was churning now. I had to say something. Anything. But what? There was nothing I could say to make this better.

He took in my hesitation and laughed humorlessly. "I guess that's a no then?"

My heart raced. No. I wanted to be with him—but I couldn't. And I hated it. I hated that I felt forced to do this and that I couldn't just be happy. That my body seemed to be set on working against me. But I also knew that I couldn't start a relationship like this, halfway drowning. It wasn't healthy. Maybe if we'd met each other sooner, it would have been different.

But it wasn't.

"There's something else, isn't there?" he said. "Is it because of your skin? You have eczema?"

My blood ran cold. "Yes, but—"

"Do you really think I care about that?"

"No," I said, fighting the urge to puke.

"Then get angry at me. Talk to me. But don't shut me out because—why? You don't trust me? Is that it?"

No. The problem was I didn't trust myself. And how could I when it felt like my own body was punishing me? No, I had to fix myself first. But how long would that take? Weeks? Months? Would I ever really get better? I didn't know. So, I kept my lips pressed together and said nothing.

"Really?" Killian turned with a curse.

"This isn't working. I can't do this. I can't... I'm not the person you think I am so stop pushing me into something I don't want."

As soon as those words left my mouth, I regretted them instantly, but it was too late to take them back.

His expression twisted and for a brief moment, I could see hurt swirling in his eyes. Then a wall slammed down and I was cut off. I hadn't realized until this moment how relaxed he'd been around me. I couldn't remember the last time I'd seen that blank mask.

Sensing tears pooling at the corners of my eyes, I blinked and bit into my cheeks. Not yet. I had to hold on a little longer.

"If that's how you saw things..." he said tonelessly. "My mistake."

Still, he stood in place, his large shoulders slightly hunched. The bags under his eyes were more pronounced and I felt so terrible my breath caught. But I knew I'd feel even worse with the guilt accumulating over time.

"Then I won't bother you anymore," he said and a knife slid through my chest.

Killian turned and opened the door to his car without another word. He didn't look back when he settled in the driver's seat. He didn't look back when he pulled out of the parking slot. He didn't look back when his rear light disappeared around the corner.

And then reality settled in.

This was it. I knew the raw feelings clawing at my insides were my own fault. But I hadn't expected it to hurt me this much. Were my other break-offs this bad? Usually, I would feel relief, but instead, there was this gaping hole inside my chest. I hadn't realized I was crying until my face started to burn as the salty tears ran over my irritated skin.