Cold Hearts | Tobias Eaton

°7°

WE SIT AT the table. We always pass food to the right, and no one eats until everyone is served. Our father extends his hands to our mother and my brother, and they extend their hands to him and me and Beatrice, and our father gives thanks to God for food and work and friends and family. Not every Abnegation family is religious, but our father says we should try not to see those differences because they will only divide us. I am not sure what to make of that.
"So," our mother says to our father. "Tell me."

She takes my father's hand and moves her thumb in a small circle over his knuckles. I stare at their joined hands. My parents love each other, but they rarely show affection like this in front of us. They taught us that physical contact is powerful, so I have been wary of it since I was young.

"Tell me what's bothering you," she adds.

I stare at my plate. My mother's acute senses sometimes surprise me, but now they chide me. Why was I so focused on myself that I didn't notice his deep frown and his sagging posture?
"I had a difficult day at work," he says. "Well, really, it was Marcus who had the difficult day. I shouldn't lay claim to it."

Marcus is my father's coworker; they are both political leaders. The city is ruled by a council of fifty people, composed entirely of representatives from Abnegation, because our faction is regarded as incorruptible, due to our commitment to selflessness. Our leaders are selected by their peers for their impeccable character, moral fortitude, and leadership skills. Representatives from each of the other factions can speak in the meetings on behalf of a particular issue, but ultimately, the decision is the council's. And while the council technically makes decisions together, Marcus is particularly influential.

It has been this way since the beginning of the great peace, when the factions were formed. I think the system persists because we're afraid of what might happen if it didn't: war.

"Is this about that report Jeanine Matthews released?" my mother says. Jeanine Matthews is Erudite's sole representative, selected based on her IQ score. My father complains about her often.

I look up, when I hear Beatrice "A report?"

Caleb gives her a warning look. We aren't supposed to speak at the dinner table unless our parents ask us a direct question, and they usually don't. Our listening ears are a gift to them, our father says. They give us their listening ears after dinner, in the family room.

"Yes," our father says. His eyes narrow. "Those arrogant, self-righteous—" He stops and clears his throat. "Sorry. But she released a report attacking Marcus's character."

I raise my eyebrows.

"What did it say?" I ask.

"Kazuha," Caleb says quietly.

I duck my head, turning my fork over and over and over until the warmth leaves my cheeks. I don't like to be chastised. Especially by my brother.

"It said," my father says, "that Marcus's violence and cruelty toward his son is the reason his son chose Dauntless instead of Abnegation."

Few people who are born into Abnegation choose to leave it. When they do, we remember. Two years ago, Marcus's son, Tobias, left us for the Dauntless, and Marcus was devastated. Tobias was his only child—and his only family, since his wife died giving birth to their second child. The infant died minutes later.

I never met Tobias. He rarely attended community events and never joined his father at our house for dinner. My father often remarked that it was strange, but now it doesn't matter.

"Cruel? Marcus?" My mother shakes her head. "That poor man. As if he needs to be reminded of his loss."

"Of his son's betrayal, you mean?" my father says coldly. "I shouldn't be surprised at this point. The Erudite have been attacking us with these reports for months. And this isn't the end. There will be more, I guarantee it."

Even I know now it's surely the time we should speak. Beatrice blurts out, "Why are they doing this?"

"Why don't you take this opportunity to listen to your father, Beatrice?" our mother says gently. It is phrased like a suggestion, not a command. But it still feels more like the command. I look across the table at Caleb, who has that look of disapproval in his eyes. I am not sure if it's meant for me or Beatrice, since we're sitting next to each other.

I stare at my peas. I am not sure I can live this life of obligation any longer. I am not good enough.

"You know why," our father says. "Because we have something they want. Valuing knowledge above all else results in a lust for power, and that leads men into dark and empty places. We should be thankful that we know better."

I nod. I know I will not choose Erudite, and even my test results suggested I shouldn't.

Our parents clean up after dinner. They don't even let Caleb help them, because we're supposed to keep to ourselves tonight instead of gathering in the family room, so we can think about our results.

Our family might be able to help me choose, if I could talk about my results. But I can't. Cara's warning whispers in my memory every time my resolve to keep my mouth shut falters.

Caleb, Beatrice and I climb the stairs and, at the top, when we divide to go to our separate bedrooms, he stops us with a hand on my shoulder and Beatrice's wrist in the other. Does Beatrice have some kind of Deja Vu.

"Beatrice, Kazuha," he says, looking sternly into our eyes. "We should think of our family." There is an edge to his voice. "But. But we must also think of ourselves."

For a moment I stare at him. I have never seen him think of himself, never heard him insist on anything but selflessness. Something about this makes me feel little better. I want to say something, but Beatrice beats me to it.
"The tests don't have to change our choices."

He smiles a little. "Don't they, though?"

He squeezes my shoulder and walks into his bedroom. I peer into his room and see an unmade bed and a stack of books on his desk. He closes the door. I wish I could tell him that we're going through the same thing. I wish I could speak to him like I want to instead of like I'm supposed to. But the idea of admitting that I need help is too much to bear, so I turn away. I wish Beatrice good night.

I walk into my room, and when I close my door behind me, I realize that the decision might be simple. It will require a great act of honesty to choose Candor, or a great act of kindness to choose Amity, and maybe just choosing one over the other will prove that I belong. Tomorrow, those two qualities will struggle within me, and only one can win.