How To Fall From Grace [MxM]

Step 14: Fall for him (pt. 2)

"Never mind, I—"

"I don't know for certain about the Waste," Noah then said, trying to meet Frey's gaze but ultimately failing on several occasions, causing his eyes to dart. "But I—I like to think they can. I don't know, but like you say if it should be possible from other planes, like the Unity or the spectral plane, then why not?"

Despite his own reluctance, Frey tried to lock eyes with Noah again. There was something he wasn't telling him. As far as Frey knew, there'd been no one close to Noah who had died that would be Waste-worthy material, but he still liked to imagine it wasn't that bad? Why?

"Well, that's a reassuring thought." He decided to end the conversation before Noah's head would sink into his shoulders. "Thank you."

He then looked down at the bag on his desk.

"What was this, now again?"

"Oh, one of the stable boys gave it to me." Noah's face brightened a little at the new topic, but Frey's heart sank as he stared at it. "He ran into me at Wynne's and asked me to take it to you."

"How convenient," Frey mumbled, trying to shake the thoughts of Marius away. "I don't suppose you told anyone about it?"

Noah knitted his eyebrows.

"Who would I tell?"

"Your nosy sister, for example."

"Well, I wasn't exactly planning on doing that to begin with." Noah shrugged. "But if you want me to stay quiet about it intentionally, I can do that."

Frey eyed him. He had no reason to believe Noah couldn't keep a secret, and perhaps that's what Marius had thought as well.

"Good."

"Do you like him?"

Frey stared at Noah in disbelief.

"I'm... Sorry?"

"The stable boy," Noah added, not without an arched eyebrow to suggest Frey was a bit slow. "Do you like him? Since you don't want anyone to find out."

Frey couldn't help but hesitate as his mind decided to blur things out, sending only Marius-related memories forward.

Noah apparently wasn't done, and his eyes widened as if he'd realised something.

"Is... Did someone see you together?"

How did he know? How much had Marius told him?

Frey drew a deep breath, forcing the racing thoughts to stop and regaining his composure. Then he turned his gaze to look at Noah again, deciding to do what he did best and strike some chords. So he clicked his tongue, leaning back in his chair with a pitying smile.

"Well, sounds like you and your sister aren't so different after all when it comes to sticking your noses in others' private matters."

To Frey's great amusement Noah looked more offended than he would have guessed, averting his gaze before replying.

"Never mind then."

Frey returned a sly grin.

"Thought so."

As soon as Noah had left Frey dropped the act and opened the box. It contained the incense horse Frey had put in Marius' pocket, and a couple of small chocolate tarts with chopped almonds on top.

Firelights. He should've guessed.

To his surprise there was a card as well. Had he asked Noah to help him write something?

His heart dropped to his stomach as he read it, and he placed it down on the desk before pressing his hands against his face.

'Sorry for the inconvenience.'

So that's how Noah had figured it out.

The words burned Frey's eyelids and chest. It wasn't fair. Pushing Marius to believe he was the inconvenience was too cruel. If someone made things hard, it was Frey. Every time he'd opened up to let Marius closer he'd ended up pushing him away just as quickly.

Maybe it was a good thing he'd said those things. Then Marius would resent him and they'd go about their days just like before they had started talking. It was better that way. Frey would fall into those horrible patterns no matter how much he tried, and even if Marius could look past it once, leading him on and forcing him to do it repeatedly would be unfair.

He nearly pierced through his lip as he bit down, locking every muscle in his face in an attempt not to tremble.

But he didn't want that. He didn't want to push Marius away for good, no matter how much he tried reasoning with himself.

As if reasoning had any say about his feelings.

Reasoning before feelings had been his entire life. It was easier that way. Feelings had to be figured out, and reflected upon in a way reason didn't.

But in the end, reasoning couldn't fight feelings, or force them to listen. Feelings like the ones Frey had simply made themselves known, and all else turned irrelevant.

Noah's question haunted his head now, and he gritted his teeth, still burying his face in his hands.

'Do you like him?' he'd asked.

"I can't," Frey whispered into his palms, breath finally giving in to the trembling inside him. He couldn't allow it. All it would amount to was more pain, and he'd had enough of that. He'd just have to discard every trace of those feelings quickly, before they grew into something even worse than 'like'.

He knew, of course, that it was far too late for that.