For my sister | Negan |

61 - Some time to think

'Thank you, Negan.'

I hope he can hear me, because my voice is muffled by his chest that I've pressed myself into. But I guess he does, since he holds me a little tighter.

'You are going to be the end of me', he mumbles softly into my hair.

I draw back to look at him and in his eyes I find that apprehensive expression again that tells me he doesn't know what to do with me. I can't blame him for it. Last night went from almost killing each other to jumping each other like animals, so I may not be the only one confused about what to expect from the other anymore.

'I really am sorry', I say, running my hand over his bearded cheek.

'I never wanted to do it. It's just that... Simon had me convinced that Ella would be in horrible danger if you went through with your plans. But even just the thought of you dying made me feel sick, let alone the thought of me being responsible for it.'

I only caught myself in the last moment, almost throwing Dwight's name out there. But I changed it to Simon just in time. Fuck, I hate lying.

'I knew you'd never come up with something like that on your own', Negan says, hooking his fingers into my hair. 'You don't have it in you. I just wish you would have come to me.'

'I know', I say, casting my eyes downwards. 'I know I should have, it's just that...'

'What?'

'Well, you got me so scared when you came to see me in that cell', I admit reluctantly. I don't want to bring it up. I want to forget all about it. And I certainly don't want to bring that anger out of him again. Fortunately, he's the compete opposite right now.

'I know', he says softly. 'I shouldn't have hurt you like that.'

He brings his hand up to my injured shoulder and caresses it softly. I took the sling off for the night, so the skin is bare beneath his fingers. Goosebumps rise up where he touches me.

'You have been through a lot these lay few days, haven't you, baby?' he asks me softly.

'I guess', I say, a little uneasily.

He brings his hand down to my waist and fixes his eyes on me with sudden intensity.

'See, this is why you need to let me take care of you. I can't keep you safe if you run off into the woods.'

This again. He constantly wants my trust, my devotion and in return he offers to take care of everything I need. But even after he forgave me last night, I can't believe him anymore. He's the one that got my arm injured in the first place. Letting him take care for me is no guarantee for safety.

It's not that I don't believe that he cares about me. But the way he cares is twisted. It isn't normal and it isn't healthy.

He forgave me for trying to run, but he put me in a position that I had to try and escape from.

He forgave me for thinking about killing him, but his own horrible actions were what made me consider it.

He wants to help me keep Ella safe, but without him she wouldn't have been in any danger.

I can't let myself get drawn in again. The only problem is, even though I see all these things... If I had the choice again, I would always choose sleeping with him over killing him.

I tried to shut off the feelings that were growing inside me after he nearly got me killed. Running away was the perfect opportunity. But I'm back here. And he still has this hold over me.

So I don't argue. I only nod demurely. It's fine if he believes I'll let him take care of me. I just can't believe it myself anymore.

For the first time that morning, he smiles genuinely at me. Then he kisses my lips shortly but firmly before he untangles himself from my arms.

'I have a lot to take care of today', he says, walking over to grab his jacket and complete his outfit.

'I will have somebody escort you back to your room so you can freshen up, but then I need you back on the floor. We still have a lot of people down.'

'Yes, sir', I say compliantly. It might feel even weirder to just get back to work today than it did yesterday. I doubt I'll be able to focus, because I'll be too busy worrying about what the day will bring. What will he do about Simon? What can we do about Ella?

'Don't tell anybody about what happened last night', he says, sounding suddenly authorative as he walks over. Lucille is in his hand now and I involuntarily take a step back at the sight of the thing. Fortunately, he keeps it low, though he does raise a finger to my face.

'And this was the last strike. I don't want to hurt you, I don't want to punish you, but if you try anything again... I'm going to have to do something.'

'I understand', I say meekly.

The authorative look disappears from his eyes again when he puts his hand onto my waist and smiles at me.

'I'll come find you when I've figured all this shit out. In the meantime, try not to worry. Nothing's going to happen without my say-so.'

'You know me, I never worry', I joke with a weak smile. Negan grins and kisses me again. A little longer this time. I enjoy it way more than I should.

Then he leaves. And it is time to start another surreal day.