A 'SUB' REQUEST (Cate Blanchett x OC)

Chapter 29: Liquid courage

I made sure to order a vodka as soon as I sat down - I would really need it, and maybe a couple more. Then I moved over to a small booth in a corner where no one would overhear our conversation. 

It took a bit longer than she said for Cate to come down, maybe 15 or 20 minutes after our brief exchange outside her room. To my surprise, she had light makeup on - a no makeup look that was so subtle it almost meant to deflect attention away from it. She put on a very elegant and timeless-looking dress, a bold choice that would usually draw my unadulterated admiration, but this time something was off. Beneath her polished surface I sensed none of her usual confidence and poise. 

I glanced around the cozy and atmospheric setting - everyone was minding their own business. I was the only witness to Cate Blanchett in her rare discomfort. 

She sat down across from me in a swift motion and ordered a cocktail, something light because she had to wake up early the next morning. 

"I'm not sure where to begin," she said after taking a sip, "I didn't plan on talking to you tonight. At all." 

"I understand." I said, "I can go first." 

Her torturous blue eyes searched my face helplessly over the rim of her V-shaped martini glass. 

"I'm not here to ask for your forgiveness, because what I did was...unforgivable. I fucked up, Cate. I was so insecure around Andrew, and I was intimidated that you wanted to start a family with me. But those were my issues, not yours. And they didn't in any way justify my actions." I swallowed down on the lump forming in my throat. 

"Why did you do it?" 

"I was a wreck when you turned to Andrew and the kids instead of me...I just felt like the most replaceable person ever. And it felt like I didn't get to see you for days. So I ended up at a bar with her and got plastered. I should've been more honest with you from the outset, and I beat myself up about it everyday...but it doesn't matter now."

"It does matter," she said after a long time, "your feelings, they matter."

"But they had nothing to do with you..."

"Actually, I think they did." she put down her glass and cleared her throat, "What you did was very wrong and hurtful. But I'm sorry too." 

I was stunned. 

She continued, "I'm sorry that I didn't rely on you when I was sick and needed you the most. It didn't even cross my mind how you must've felt."

"It made me feel like I'd never compare."

She reached out and grabbed my hand, "Why didn't you ever come to me?"

"I thought you had everything you wanted in that house with Andrew and the kids." 

"No I didn't. I was in therapy for a long time after your affair with a woman half my age," she suddenly confessed, "I developed serious body image issues. Couldn't look at myself in the mirror for weeks. It was difficult to schedule sessions around my Tár shoots though, and it didn't help that all the therapists spoke English with a German accent..."

Despite her light-hearted attempt at humor, my heart broke all over again upon hearing this. When I started working at an agency, it was drilled into my head again and again how even the most attractive celebrities were insecure about their looks, but it was still jarring when they actually said it out loud. 

"Cate, I didn't know that..."

"I honestly didn't expect it to get to me like that myself." 

"You are aware that there are at least tens of thousands of girls who would give away their firstborn to sleep with you, right? Half of them were downstairs as of an hour ago, and I had to chase them away with a baseball bat."

"But only one mattered," she replied, "and she found me old and wrinkly." 

"You know me well enough to know that that's my type in a nutshell. I would settle for nothing less."

A melancholic smile washed over those blue eyes. "The kids still talk about you a lot, you know. To the point where it's getting annoying." 

"How are they?" 

"They're all doing well - Dash is looking at colleges, Roman is entering his rebellious phase, and Iggy is quite obsessed with the piano. Edith is just entering first grade, but I can't even teach her basic math anymore." 

"I actually miss them a lot."

"I was forced to do a lot of reflection over the past couple of months, and I realized one thing. I love my kids more than anything in the world, but I probably have enough of them for now - I'm too old to raise more." 

I raised an eyebrow almost imperceptibly. "Are you sure?" 

"Yes," she nodded, gazing into the distance with a faraway look in her eyes, "I can barely take a red-eye without getting a backache nowadays. I can't hold a baby standing up."

"Damn," I uttered, "how things would've turned out differently if you realized this months ago...you know, back when you were in love with me." 

"The timing was unfortunate. We basically ended up on opposites sides of the planet." 

"I never really asked you - but how did the Bach piece turn out for Tár? I was pretty invested in that one." 

"Oh," her mood brightened up a tiny notch, "I think I could've fooled some amateurs. The whole thing was shot as a one-er, and I kept fucking up my lines and had to start from the beginning. The one take that we got right was probably the best day I had on set." 

"I'm glad to hear that." 

"It was meant to take place in a classroom at Juilliard, so your stories really helped me contextualize the place." 

"When does it come out?" 

"Late 2022. But it might get delayed because of the pandemic." 

"I can't wait to see it." 

We were the only two people left in the room, with two empty glasses in front of us. 

Cate stood up, "it's getting late, I should get back to my room." 

"I'll walk you to the elevator." 

We walked side by side in the plushly carpeted hallway. Silence gnawed at us until the elevator ding'ed. 

She stepped in and leaned against the wall, facing me, her face open with sadness and vulnerability.

"About what you said earlier..." she said, "I'm still in love with you, you know." 

The elevator doors slid to a close.