For my sister | Negan |

58 - I can't do it

'You have to warn them', I tell Dwight. 'Go to the Hilltop and tell them what he's going to do, so they can prepare themselves.'

'I can't', he says, sounding frustrated. 'Negan has eyes on me. He doesn't fully trust anybody right now, but I think he's especially suspicious of me. I'm already taking a risk coming here.'

'Then why are you here?' I ask him, sounding equally frustrated. 'If you're not going to do anything about it, why are you telling me? I already tried and failed to get out, now I'm never getting out of here.'

'No, but you can do something from here', Dwight says, lowering his voice as he approaches me. 'The attack on the Hilltop... All of this shit... None of it can go through if Negan is dead.'

'If Negan's dead?' I repeat, not comprehending what he's saying. 'Sure, that would end it, but what do I have to do with that?'

'I told you he doesn't trust anybody, he has eyes everywhere. But you... you could do it when he sleeps.'

'What?' I ask, shocked. It takes a second to even comprehend what he's saying. But then it clicks. He wants me to kill Negan? In his sleep? The thought alone makes me sick. I can't kill him. I never killed anybody. I couldn't do it to a stranger, let alone someone I've come to know. And care about in spite of everything...

Then another thing hits me. Does he know about us? Of course B knew, but I didn't think it was common knowledge otherwise. But why else would he suggest that I could kill him in his sleep?

'How do you know that I... we...'

'Because he's an asshole, Christina', he says somewhat impatiently. 'And he brags about how he fucked the hot doctor on the examination chair.'

My cheeks burn bright red when he says that. It feels like another violation of my trust. If you care about each other, you don't go bragging about these things like some sort of frat boy do you?

'I saw him go into your office today', Dwight continues. 'I listened at the door-'

'You eavesdropped on us?' I interrupt him indignantly.

'I needed to know where he stands with you. He wants you back, right? You could go to his room tonight, give him what he wants and when he sleeps...'

'You want me to have sex with him and then kill him?' I ask him, absolutely horrified. 'This isn't some sort of fucking Bond-movie. Who the hell do you think I am?'

'I'm not saying you need to have sex with him', Dwight says, holding up his hands, motioning me to quiet down. 'You could just go to his room, tell him your don't want to be alone. I bet he'll let you sleep with him. He'll be too happy that you're letting him get close again to suspect you of anything.'

Happy that I'm letting him get close again. Only to... what? Have his throat slit? His brains blown out? I'm not a killer. I wouldn't even know how to do it.

Dwight eases down a little when he sees my face. He takes a few steps towards and takes on a slightly less threatening stance.

'I know it's not fair to ask you this. But it's our only chance. If he wakes up tomorrow, the Hilltop is getting hit and Ella might not make it out alive.'

'And who's to say that won't happen if Negan's dead?' I hiss, rounding on him. 'Everybody else is just gonna roll over and surrender? What about Simon, isn't he just gonna take over and do it anyway? Or worse?'

I remember what Negan told me. If it were up to Simon, they'd just kill everybody and be done with it. I don't know if we'll be any better off of Negan died and he took over.

'I can take care of Simon', Dwight says adamantly. 'You're right, he'll want to take over, but I won't give him the chance. He trusts me. He won't see it coming.'

'Well, Negan doesn't trust me', I argue. 'He has guards watching my every move, and if he lets me into his room, I'm sure he'll search me. So how am I supposed to get a weapon in there? I tried to run away just 2 days ago. He might want me back, but he's not stupid.'

'You don't need to get a weapon in. He'll have his own gun in there with him, he keeps it right on the night stand. You can use that.'

'I've never even used a gun', I say exasperatedly. Dwight shakes his head frustratedly and suddenly takes out his own gun. I quickly take a few steps back, but he only shows it to me.

'You take off the safety. You point. You put your finger on the trigger and you shoot', he says, demonstrating the steps along the way. Minus the actual shooting. 'It's no rocket science.'

'What if he wakes up if I remove the safety?' I ask anxiously.

'Then you better shoot quickly.'

'I can't do this', I huff. I cross my arms and turn away. I can't even consider this. I don't want to be responsible for taking his life away.

'You could do it with a knife', Dwight suggests, like it would make a difference. 'You could probably get one of your scalpels in. You'll know where to cut, right?'

A doctor would know exactly where to cut someone for a quick death, wouldn't she? That's what Negan said to me when I visited his room for the first time. I told him that I wasn't a murderer. He told me he wasn't either. Until he was.

'I can't do this at all, Dwight', I spit at him. 'Knife, gun, I don't know, his fucking baseball bat, it doesn't matter. I don't have it in me to take a life.'

'You know how many people he killed? Or had killed at his command?' Dwight asks, sounding increasingly agitated. Then he points sharply at his own face. 'You know what he does to people. Now, I don't know why you ever chose to be with a man like that, but if you choose him now over the lives of your sister and countless others, then what kind of person does that make you?'

'I don't choose him over my sister', I say disgustedly. 'I hate this, all of it! All I want is to get away and get back to her! But I can't kill him.'

Dwight gives me a look that is something between disappointment, frustration and definitely judgement. I cross my arms and turn away from him. How am I suddenly to blame for everything only because I don't want to take a life? His life.

'Then you know what happens tomorrow.'

Dwight's words hang in the air between us. Tomorrow, they will attack the Hilltop. They won't realise they're infected until it's already too late. And Ella will be right in the middle of it.

'I can't do it', I say again. Weakly. Defeatedly.

I can't be responsible for putting Ella into danger.

I can't be responsible for taking Negan's life either.

Dwight nods, his eyes on the ground. He clearly isn't happy about my answer. But then he just turns around and leaves the room without another word.

I am left alone with a thousand thoughts running through my mind. None of them comforting.