The Highlander's Sassenach

Chapter 21 Davina

"I cannot help but blame myself, he would still be alive if I was not here. Both Gavin and Arran would still have their father. This clan would still have their Laird," I whispered. She sighed, not trying to comfort me from that fact.

"Did Gavin ever tell you how his grandfather died," she asked sadly. I shook my head, Gavin never really spoke about his grandparents. No one really did. She sighed looking around the study. Taking in the books and the fire. As if she had been in this study for her entire life.

"My mother and father raised us here at Wastle Castle when we were all children. This castle was my mother's favorite, and my father wished for nothing else but my mother's happiness. But our childhoods were marred with tragedy and anger. For both my parents had several children, but only myself, Garratt, and Douglas survived. This changed both my mother and father in different ways, my mother put all her effort into raising us. Our father turned cruel and cold. When I was seven and ten, I fell in love with a merchant's son, they had traveled to the castle to sell their goods. Someone my father thought beneath me. He wanted me to the wife of some English noble who resided far away from my family and everyone I knew and loved. When my father found out that we were in love and wished to marry he was furious. He did everything he could to keep my husband and I apart, but it was no use. I was quite stubborn in my youth. But we ran away to a nearby church and married in secret, with only my two brothers as witnesses. In my father's anger, he attempted to get me back. But he was caught in a storm on the way to the chapel which was nearby. He fell off his horse and broke his neck," she said. I felt my heart constrict.I had seen my own mother change from losing so many children, some before they were even born. So I knew what was it like to see your parents change before your eyes.

"I am so sorry, that must have been hard for you. To watch your parents grow apart, and then to fall in love and your father thought the man you were in love with was beneath you," I whispered. She pulled away and waved her hand.

"Do not apologize. My father was a heartless bastard by the time he died. My mother died from a wasting illness just two years before this, her mind and body to tired to handle this life. He grew even more ruthless after that. But like ye, I blamed myself for my father's death. I thought if I was not so stubborn, or if I had tried to reason with him. He would still be alive today. But it was my husband who taught me to forgive myself. He showed me that love can heal many wounds. But only if ye are open with the ones ye love," she said.

"And from that day Douglas vowed that he would never become our father. He fulfilled that oath by protecting ye and your unborn child. He welcomed you into his home,and loved you like a daughter," she added. I still could not understand why she was telling me this. Why she was opening to me, me of all people in this castle.

"Why are you telling me this; Lady Edith," I asked. She reached over again and took my hand. Gently stroking it with her thumb. I knew that many had suffered tragedy in their lives, but Douglas' death had changed something inside of me. The girl my papa knew had long since been gone. I could feel my heart becoming hardened by the tragedies in my life.

"Because I am worried for Gavin, he had noticed your distance Davina. He knows that ye have been sleeping in your old chambers, and will not share his bed. Not since the night ye were brought back to the castle," she replied. I could not bring myself to sleep beside Gavin. Not after that night. I felt as if I was selfish by having Gavin by my child.

"I cannot bring myself to fall asleep in his arms again. The guilt is too much. I do not deserve such happiness. Not after what has happened to his father," I whispered honestly. I had not shared these feelings with anyone. And to think I was sharing them with a woman who was suppose to hate me. Hate me for bringing death to her family.