The Marauders - Order of the Phoenix - Part Two

Martin, Freddie, and Dolly

"There must be some reason he's not coming," James mused. "Some reason that he doesn't want us to know, maybe?"

Lily hated thinking what she was thinking, and so she held it in for a moment, trying to logic out any alternate option she could before she spoke it out. But finally, she had to say the words. "James, if he hasn't come... if he doesn't want us to know... I mean... shouldn't we - maybe - honor that?"

James had been thinking the same thing. That was part of why they'd obliviated the memory of Maryrose's body from Frank's mind before he left, wasn't it? "I hate the idea of keeping this from Sirius."

"I know. I - I don't know if I can."

"Me, either."

They were silent.

"But I also hate to think what happens if Regulus's secret falls through. I mean, Sirius isn't exactly... quiet. If he doesn't react to Regulus's death... it would be sort of obvious something was going on."

James nodded. "Exactly."

"And what if Regulus's secret is... imperative."

"His cover's blown and You Know Who figures out what's on and Regulus is right back in danger again..." James shook his head.

"Do you think he's safe, wherever he is?" Lily asked quietly.

"I hope so."

"Do you think he's warm?" she pictured him laying in a snow bank somewhere, half dead, with no blankets and just the pair of pyjamas the lads had said he'd been wearing and nothing else. Not to mention, wandless. "Oh gods, James, I wish he would just put down his walls and come back to us." She started crying.

"Evans. Hey." James kissed the side of her face, rocking her slowly as his arms came up 'round her tight. "Hey, it's alright, baby," he whispered, voice husky and low in her ear, comforting her. "It's alright... shhh..."

"James, I - I've never felt like this before, I just - I want him to be safe and okay and I want so much for him to come home."

"I know, Evans."

"I feel like a mum."

James smiled and kissed her shoulder again. "You sound the part." He smiled against her skin and murmured, "You'll make a good one, one day."

"And you'll make a good father, too," Lily answered.

"One day, when the war is over, we'll give it a go, huh Evans?"

Lily was quiet. Once again, the image of the boy in the cemetery came into her mind and the ferocious look on He Who Must Not Be Named's face as he glared at the boy... "We'll know when we're ready, I reckon," she murmured, thinking that if they waited for the war to end they would never be parents. 

James stared at the fire in the hearth. "So we're not telling Sirius?"

Lily shivered. Even as they were speaking, she could feel the weight of Sirius's heart mingling with her own in her chest... all heavy with shadows and pain, all broken and feeling guilty and empty... 

But what if Regulus's life depended on the secret being kept?

"It'll be so hard, but I think... at least until we hear from Regulus..."

"Until we hear from Regulus," James murmured.

Lily nodded.

It felt very heavy, that choice, and they were quiet for a good long while, each thinking about what not telling Sirius would entail for their own relationship with Sirius, and working out the way that they would respond to the things Sirius was sure to say and do in the coming weeks as he worked through the pain and the grief. 

Hopefully, James thought, Regulus would decide to show up sooner rather than later.

After several long minutes, he asked, "Evans?"

"James?" Lily asked.

"You were friends with Maryrose, yeah?"

"Yeah."

"Did she ever mention... about... I dunno, about changing herself?"

Lily ran her fingers over James's knee. "She did once. Not in terrible detail. Only that she'd been born with... you know, boy parts... and her Da was really excited to have a boy after having Pandy and all... Her name was Martin."

James listened quietly. 

"But she wasn't comfortable and she made her choice for herself."

James asked, "Is that why it seemed she - she appeared from no where?"

"How do you mean?"

"I swear I'd never seen her before. And with that teal hair, you'd think you'd see her everywhere about the castle. She stood out always - once I knew her, she was everywhere... I never understood how I didn't see her before."

"Oh. Yeah. That's because she'd been Martin one year and the next..."

James nodded. He felt like a big mystery had been solved for him. And he felt guilty that he hadn't heard the story from Maryrose. He thought of all the times she'd ever told him that she wanted to talk to him about things and how he'd been such an awful boyfriend to her. He was thankful that Regulus Black had been better. She deserved the best, and he - James - had ever only given her half at most. But Regulus had given her his all.

"James," Lily whispered. 

"Hmm?"

"I love you," she said.

"I love you too, Evans." 

Looking in the mirror again, Regulus couldn't even recognize his own reflection anymore. He'd exaggerated the new bend to his nose and added some freckles across his face. His shorn head already looked so different than usual, and add to it that he'd found some old glasses that had belonged to his father and he'd magicked the lenses so that he could see through them and so that when people looked at his face through the horn-rimmed things they saw his irises as a deep green rather than the signature grey eyes the Black boys were known for. He never did fix that tooth.

He needed a name. 

What was a cool name that Sirius would approve of? he thought. Struck by inspiration, he looked into his own eyes. "Freddie Jenkins." He held out his hand to an imaginary third person, but stared into his own eyes in the mirror. "Hullo, I'm  Freddie," he said, "Freddie Jenkins."

He sounded too much like himself.

He tried at lowering his voice, and then at speeding it up, going higher than before, but it seemed whatever he did, he sounded the same. He cleared his throat, then tried again in an accent. Something between the British drawl and French. It was choppy at best, but it was different. Perhaps with a bit more luck it could be passable, he hoped.

He went to bed that night in his own bed, blankets tucked up to his chin, staring at the ceiling, wondering if Sirius was alright, hoping that Remus Lupin and the other lads were comforting him, taking care of him. He hoped Sirius wasn't mad at him, and that if the time ever came that Regulus got to tell his brother that he wasn't dead after all, that Sirius would forgive him for whatever time would pass between then and now.

In the flat in East London, Remus held Sirius in their bed, Sirius curled toward Remus, his face buried in Remus's chest as Remus's arms encircled his husband's body, stroking his back gently. 

"If I could carry a tune for the life of me, I'd sing to you," Remus whispered.

"Do it anyway," Sirius pleaded.

Remus was quiet a moment, partly thinking of a song he knew well enough to give it a go with and partly trying to work up the nerve to do it, and then he sang very quietly, "I hope life will treat you kind, and I hope that you have all that you've ever dreamed of... Oh, I do wish you joy.. and I wish you happiness... and above all this I wish you love... I love you... I....I will always... always love you... oh I ... will always... love you."

"Dolly Parton's been done proud," Sirius whispered into Remus's chest.