When You're In Love with a girl

Chapter 28, the First Girl

THE FIRST GIRL

"I'm very afraid," I confide in Arya as a response to her query, "How are you doing?"

"For?" She slips her hand into mine and smiles at me serenely. That's the first time we've held hands. We're walking to band class, per our routine. I like routines; I can't function without one. Usually a change in the routine like holding hands, would make me annoyed, but how can I, when holding hands is what I've always dreamed of?

"People... people finding out," I say quietly and squeeze her hand.

Jeremy, the first chair trombone, looks over at us, his face showing surprise. Arya and I, we feel the gaze of everyone around us, but we keep walking forward, our hands entwined.

Loving Arya, falling in love for the first time has given me a great new perspective on life. Before that, I didn't get why people fell in love. Now I know. It's interesting that when you entwine yourself with someone else, when you press your bodies together, when you touch... you become closer.

"Alie," Arya whispers in my ear. I laugh; her low voice is so attractive. "Come hang out at my house after school?"

My heart starts to beat faster. This is just the second time we have met at her house. Mostly we've been sending ComuMessages to each other, which is a website that erases messages as soon as you sign off. I can't seem to stay away from my devices while I know that Arya could be online. In order to know it is Arya, we have a code: Arya tells me the password in person, and before I chat with Arya, she asks me the password.

I can't risk anyone finding out, and neither can Arya. I guess it's a big risk that we're taking, but I love her too much. My parents would be disgusted if they found out I love a girl; they would probably force me to stop seeing Arya or maybe even transfer me to a new school. And now, now that I've met Arya, Tom, and Mr. Berswick, and maybe Laras and Roger, Worth-Marion doesn't seem like such an awful school. All schools are hellish, so I would rather stay.

For Arya, she is always saying that her parents would disown her. They are the kind of people who go to church every Sunday, and do church service and church groups, and study the Bible every day, and expect Arya to continue their family's beliefs. Arya says they probably would not welcome her if she came out gay.

"Do you believe in God?" I once asked her, while we were deciding to get some boba tea per Arya's recommendation.

Arya had frowned and looked at the sidewalk, her expression subdued. "I do, how could I not? Of course I believe in Him, and I love him, but it's just that, you know...while our church is okay with gay people, we're not exactly celebrated, either."

"Oh," I say. Well, if I went to church, I would still be gay, I would just not say so, I think to myself.

She holds the door of the shop open.

"Thanks."

We look at the menu. "What are you going to get?"

"Umm, strawberry."

Arya raised her eyebrows. "I'm afraid there's something wrong with me," she says.

"I think... I think humans should love everyone, and... God can learn to accept a broader range of love," I tell her earnestly.

"I know, but that is for other people—I don't know... I just never thought that I would be gay. I will get coconut."

*****

I know my mom is meeting the Bridgersons today, so I think it is clear to go to Arya's house. We walk on the way, laughing and swinging our arms as we hold hands. "Should we go to the garden?" says Arya.