When You're In Love with a girl

Chapter 27, The Confession

THE CONFESSION

Yesterday, my mother made me go to Times Square to do a photoshoot with Byron. She dressed me up in this dolled teal-green mini-dress that left me feeling awfully exposed. She made me wear heels, lip gloss, and curled my hair.

The person on instagram that is shown hugging Byron is not me. No, that girl with luscious, silky brown, effortless voluminous curls, large, expressive eyes with long lashes, very kissable lips, and a big smile is not me.

I always wish I could be me. Even at school Mom does makeup for me, and straightens my hair. Why can't I be myself?

The thing that makes me view my mom in a better light today is that she let me go to the library because of the Times Square photoshoot. I pleaded with her, reminding myself that what I had to beg for was a right of most kids, and she finally agreed.

It's around 4:00 after a mentally-exhausting day and the sun is actually bright and sunny, even though the weather is cold. I put on my coat and walk down the apartment staircase and out to the library. Tom said he would meet me there.

What can my mom do, anyway? I think, and some devilish part of me squeals with delight. I am in control now; she won't follow me, and she can't ask Sam to keep an eye on me.

I feel a bit dispirited when I think of Sam. He's sitting in a hospital bed, hollow without football, which fed his soul. Is his soul hungry? There is nothing to feed him. Girls never meant much to him, they were just tiny snacks for him to consume. Football practices were his feasts. When he had football, his soul was never hungry; now his soul starves.

I am sorry that Tom is still in love with me, but that is something I can't control. All I can do is treat him like a friend, no more, and hope he doesn't mistake friendship for love. Heartbroken people can become mad by finding signs of love in careless gestures and words.

I open the door to the library; I see Tom sitting inside on a soft lounge chair.

I walk down to join him. I have brought my book bag, with a few books that I own. I don't know what to say to him, so I fiddle with the bag strap. How do I say something without leading him on? It was a noble thing to think that I could do, but how can I speak without encouraging him?

"Hi, Alie," says Tom, his voice a bit hollow. I think I can feel unhappiness radiating off him in waves.

"I brought you some books that you said you were interested in reading," I say.

"Yeah," says Tom. I hand them over. "Thank you; this is great. When do you want me to return them?" He is now speaking in painfully correct sentences.

"When you finish reading them." I stand up. "Um, do you have any reading recommendations?" I pick up my book bag. "Since we're at the library...." I add needlessly.

"I told you all that before," says Tom in a bit of an accusatory voice. He sounds angry, and I am afraid.

"Tom, are you okay today?" I bite my lip. "Why are you upset?"

"Alie, we should stop being friends. I love you too much," he says bluntly. "I know I'm not usually so serious, but I don't want myself to keep getting hurt." He looks down at the floor pensively. He looks so small, so sad, and so angry at the world.

"Tom, it's okay," I say sadly. Do I really want to tell him? Can I trust him? Thoughts swirl in my head. Tom has stuck out with me. He can take it, I decide, and he would not tell anyone. I force myself to look up and meet his soft, questioning eyes.

"I'm gay, and I already love Arya." My voice comes out in a whisper. I don't think anyone around us heard, and we're in our secret nook of the library where few people go.

Tom doesn't seem to process for a second. Then he raises his eyebrows in surprise. "Oh!" He blinks, then says, "Why didn't you just tell me?"

"You would have been okay with it?" I raise my eyebrows too, shocked by his reaction.

"Of course! You could have spared me so much from pining after you," he says exasperatedly. "Did you think we live in a place where gay people are shamed?"

Now he is taking things for a turn I don't want things to take. "Well, I don't want to be out. Why do I have to be out?" I correct him. I run my fingers through my hair. "I just told you because I wanted you to stop thinking that there is a possibility that I like you. You won't tell anyone, will you? You can't, after I have trusted you!" I hate that I sound so desperate, but I am desperate.

I shouldn't have confided in him. Arya is the only one I can trust. I blink hard to get rid of the tears that are threatening to form. If Tom tells people I'm gay, it will reach my parents and from there, well in most regards my life would be over.

"Relax, relax! I won't tell anyone if you don't want to! I am your friend, even if you don't want to be my friend."

"You're getting it wrong again! Can you listen to me make a statement for one second?" I plead. Tom nods. "You're my friend, but I am gay so we can't be lovers. Also, I don't want you to tell anyone that I am gay."

"Okay," says Tom. He is acting more normally now; for that I am glad, but I am not entirely convinced that it is not an act. "Do you want to see a cool computer program I wrote on the computer?" 

Author's Note: Hello readers! It is a shorter chapter today, but I promise the next chapter is nice and long. What do you all think of this chapter? Please feel free to comment, and I will read and respond. 

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-Tara