Recently I've been in a grave. My own. I've fucked my exs best friend, I'm in jeopardy to go to summer school, I'm grounded and I've been fighting with my mom. And somehow they all tie up together. I got grounded cause I came home smelling like smoke. Do I smoke? Hell yes. So I got busted by my mom. I had work on a Wednesday and someone asked me to not work that day so they could. I said sure but I didn't tell my mom, and instead I went to a friends house. We will call him Lou. Me and Lou have been friends for a good 2 years now and this is where I get my drugs from. Anyways I went over. Smelly, and slutbag were there too. I fucked Smelly and Lou fucked Slutbag and nobody found out. Besides the people we've told. Smelly is well smelly and I have no idea why we did it but we did. Were not attracted to each other. Well I hope he's not but we just had a one night stand. And slutbag is the same way with Lou. I called my mom out on her abortion. She told me I'm a fuck up because I smoke. Did you guys know only about 37 people died from weed? And about 50,000 people die from alcohol abusive every year. I don't drink. I don't like it. But my mom did and my mom smoked cigs and smoke pot every now and then. And on top of that she had an abortion at 16. I know it's not my story to tell, but if I just smoke pot, what is the problem with that? Should I be more like my mom? Cause I'd highly rather not. And I don't judge people by there past, but if someone's gonna tell me what to do, when they've done worse, I don't think it's right. There's two people in my life that know about this. The first person to ever find out, I will call 'first'. And recently I've been thinking that I might want my first back. And the other person that knows is him. The person I'm writing this about. Recently I've been thinking about 'first'. I'm worried. His lifestyle is driving me up a wall because I know him. He's not like this. I miss the old him. The one who loved me. The one who I loved. And still do. He screws around with so many girls and it hurts. He said that I was a mistake. That he should have never slept with me. That we should have never fell in love. That we should have never met. And in that case, I hope I am his best mistake that he's ever made. Because he's mine. If I never met him, I would probably have never had my first kiss. On October 26, 2012. If I never met him, I would probably still be a virgin. And if I never met him I probably would have never fell in love. I remember when we were fighting. He thought I didn't love him. He thought I loved someone else. And maybe I did. But thinking now, I never think I did. I think I loved him as a friend. I care for him. But I've waiting 5 months for him to kiss me and we weren't even dating. If he felt anything for me. He would have told me. And I don't wanna sit and wait for something this long for something that may never exist and I don't wanna ruin other chances. And with 'first', I know there is still something there. I still hope for that something. And I still remember it, when we did have something. I love everything about him. I love when he grabs my hand in public, which is rare, but sometimes. I love when he makes really unattractive faces at me cause he doesn't know what else to do or say. I love when we talk. Talk about life and he tells me he's here. I like when I hold his pinky. I love when he talks about sports cause I see he's so happy. Which makes me happy. I love when he gets angry and punches something but then I get scared or something and he's says he's sorry. I like when he says he's sorry. I like how I'm one of the first few people he tells stuff too. And I love how we were each other's first. And I absolutely love 100%, my first.
