I feel as if my body didn't get the memo
Like someone chatting loudly in a quiet room
Or wearing colour at a funeral
It feels so disconnected from my mind
I'm fed up
Truthfully I'm fed up
Fed up of constantly being in fight or flight
Of throwing up every morning, afternoon, evening and night
Of shaking violently
Of being so hungry all the time because I can't get or keep food down
It feels as if there is a brick wall between me and normality and normal life
My job is to chip off each brick one by one with a chisel
Not because god has failed to equip me with a hammer
But because I am too scared to use it
I feel cowardly not to tear the wall apart with my own fists
If that is the only thing standing between me and joy
Why not just do it?
One small sacrifice
My brain can deal with a lot
I can deal with so much internal pain
My stomach could be in agony
I will continue
My problem is others seeing
Anxiety makes it feel as if my body and brain have been flipped inside out
As if my flesh and inner demons have been exposed to everyone around me
Hunger feels shameful, my stomach rumbling feels shameful
Throwing up feels disgusting, I feel dirty
I feel dirty as if there is something so wrong with me
So wrong and everyone can see it
I want to scratch my skin off
But even that would bring too much attention
I feel exposed behind this wall
This wall is made of glass
