For my sister | Negan |

45 - A bad idea

By lunchtime, I've thought out every single possible scenario, trying to decide what I should tell Negan and what I should tell Ella. But I'm no closer to an answer. I have to talk about this to somebody, or I'll explode.

I find Beatrice at the front of the line, just getting served her lunch. I'm too anxious to eat, so I don't even get in line myself, but clasp B's arm, startling her into looking at me.

'Hey', I say, trying to look like I'm not competely losing it. 'Wanna have lunch outside with me?'

'Sure', she says, looking at me questioningly. I nod and walk ahead at a brisk speed, trying to rid myself of some of the anxiety rushing through me. B picks up the pace to catch up with me and soon joins me outside, where I'm aggressively pacing back and forth.

'Are you alright, Chris?' she asks me.

'No', I tell her bluntly. 'I have to talk to you. But I need you to keep it a secret.'

'Oh shit', she says warily. 'Let me guess... it wasn't a one-time-thing after all?'

'Hush', I urge her, dragging her with me to find some more privacy. The look on her face isn't too promising. But I'm not even sure what I want from her. Do I want her to talk me out of it? Or to tell me I should go for it?

'Okay', she sighs when we've put some distance between us and everyone else. 'Tell me everything.'

And I do. Everything about how Negan and I got closer and what he offered me, anyway. Of course I can't tell her that we were actually always planning on escaping from this place. I like her a lot, but I can't trust her with that.

'He wants to ditch his wives?' she asks after I've told her everything, sounding very skeptical.

'That's what he said.'

'Hm.'

That's all she's gonna say? I need someone else's perspective on this whole thing, so I'm gonna need more than that.

'What?' I ask her anxiously. 'You don't think he's serious?'

'Oh, honestly, I really don't know', she says, keeping her eyes averted from me. 'Who knows with that man?'

Every time I talk to B, the feeling that she does not like Negan gets reaffirmed. It might not be a good sign that even among his own people, he isn't universally loved. Though he probably thinks he is...

'You hate him, don't you?' I ask her softly.

She looks at me sharply, then looks over her shoulder, even though we already made sure to be out of anybody's earshot. Then she turns back to me.

'I would never say that.'

I raise an eyebrow as I look at her. I think I know what she means. Negan wants his people to worship him. There is no room for open criticism.

Which is exactly why I was so surprised to hear him say that he wanted another perspective from me. Could he really have changed? Or is this all some sort of trick after all?

'Anyway, it's not important how I feel about him, is it?' B continues, making sure I don't press her on a more concrete answer. 'What are you thinking about all of this? Are you... are you considering it?'

I can hardly believe it myself, but the truth is that I am considering it. When I was going through every possible scenario, I considered the bad things... But the good things too.

'I was thinking that if he was serious... maybe things could change. If he really wants me by his side to help him see things in a different way, then maybe we could all just live together. Before I got here, I thought you were all evil maniacs. And maybe you thought the same about us. But we're all just people, aren't we? Even him...'

I swallow, feeling a little stupid when B's face grows more skeptical with every word coming out of my mouth. Maybe I'm painting a picture that's too pretty to be realistic here. But wouldn't it be amazing?

'If he handled things differently, Rick might relent as well. And we could just... work together, help each other out. Instead of killing each other for no reason.'

'That would be great, but...' B starts cautiously. 'I just don't believe that Negan would really try another way. This is how he's always ruled. He thrives on it.'

'But there's never been a rebellion like this before, right?' I ask her agitatedly. 'Maybe he can see that his way doesn't work anymore. He said he needs me to remind him that people are more than a resource. I can help him with that.'

'Why would he need you to remind him of that?' she asks, sounding agitated as well. 'Can't he just write it on a note and stick it on a mirror or something?'

I feel disappointed. The feeling hits me unexpectedly, and it takes a second to figure out where it's coming from. Then I realize that maybe I did want B's approval, so I wouldn't feel like a complete idiot if I do end up saying yes.

'So you think it would be a bad idea?' I ask her, trying not to sound too desperate.

'I just can't shake the feeling that maybe he's using you', she says, grabbing my arm for a second to comfort me. 'Maybe you're right, maybe he does realize that his way doesn't work anymore and maybe he thinks that having you by his side will help to keep the communities in line. But when it comes down to it... I think he'll always choose violence.'

I hadn't thought about it like that. Is it possible at all that he just wants me by his side because he thinks it would help his image with the communities? That he doesn't care about me, like he claims he does? I can't help but feel that it's a bit of a stretch. But maybe that's because I don't want to believe that.

'Anyway, even if it's all true, he doesn't just want you to offer him a different perspective, does he?' B continues. 'He's asking you to be in a relationship with him. Possible advantages to others aside, how do you feel about that?'

How do I feel about that? About waking up in his strong arms every morning? About hours of relaxing bath sessions after exhausting days? About unlimited access to his mesmerizing hazel eyes and easy smile? About mind-blowing sex on a daily basis?

'I mean... if it could be a real, equal relationship...'

But before I can finish my sentence, B cuts me off.

'How could it ever be equal?' She asks exasperatedly. 'You can't even leave this place.'

She has a point there. I've been so confused in my feelings about our escape plans that I'd almost forgotten that it's him that's keeping us here. I may not always feel like it anymore, but at the end of the day... I'm still his prisoner.

Before I can respond, B brushes her hand over my arm again. I suppose my feelings must be showing on my face.

'Look, it's your decision. I just don't want you to get hurt.'

My mind flashes back to that morning after I first slept in his bed. I was worried about the same thing. But he tried to comfort me.

Christina, what makes you think I would hurt you? I've told you a hundred times, I don't want to hurt you. I want to keep you from getting hurt.

Could it be true? Or is he playing with me and slowly driving me insane in the process?

'Look, I gotta go', B says apologetically. 'Find me again tonight if you want to talk more, okay? Don't make any rash decisions.'

I nod and make an effort to smile at her. But that night, it's not her that I look for. When I'm finally done with work, I head straight for his room. A smile appears on his face when he opens the door.

'Have you made a decision?'

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A/N: What do you think she'll say? 👀 To everyone reading, thank you so much, I hope you enjoy it! If you have any thoughts about the story, please feel free to share them, I love to hear it 😊