In My Skin

CH 33 || Drowning

The walk to Suz's car was nerve-racking. I pinched my arm. That hurt. Okay, so I wasn't stuck in some super realistic dream which meant this actually just happened. I focused on putting one foot in front of the other, trying to force myself not to think. An impossible feat when I could feel Killian's eyes burning holes into my back.

In the end, it was Suz who saved me. My body had switched to autopilot as she dragged me along, joking and talking, and all I had to do was nod and laugh at the right moments. I even faced the guys and said goodbye in a somewhat normal voice, like Killian's hands hadn't just changed my phase into a liquid state. Like my insides weren't screaming at me to look at him. To touch him.

As soon as my butt hit the seat, my brain seemed to lag out. Before I knew it, I was pushing the keys inside the lock of my apartment.

"Tay?" Suz called, slipping out of her shoes. Judging by the tone of her voice it hadn't been the first time. Startled, I looked up to see her staring at me with narrowed eyes. "You've been spacing out ever since I took you away from Killian. Did you two fight again?"

Still stuck in a daze, I walked to the couch and dropped. "Not exactly..."

She followed behind. "Then spill. Was it Chris? Did he do something?"

"Um..." Suddenly, it was too much. I had to talk. Words spilled from my mouth as I recounted the events that somehow led up to me kissing Killian. Oh my God. I had made out with Killian.

"What? He said that?" Suz gasped, grinning from ear to ear.

I folded my legs beneath me and hugged one of my couch pillows. "Yeah... How can he say I'm annoying and then kiss me, right?" I grumbled very much aware that my face was on fire.

"Sweetie, you should read between the lines a bit. Basically what he said was that he can't stop thinking about you no matter what he does. And wasn't he just acting a little jealous about Jared and Chris?" She chuckled evilly under her breath. "Oh, it serves him right to suffer a bit after being mean to you in the first place."

I shifted in my seat. Did Killian like me? The thought send alarm bells through my brain while my stomach did somersaults. He knew more about me than I liked to think about, plus he had witnessed some of my worst moments lately. Why would he like me after all that?

"I don't know, maybe he got confused or something," I said after a while.

Her lips pinched. "I think you are the one confused here. And on that note; Chris made it sound like you were trying to get back with him. Can you believe the nerve?"

"I see," I muttered. Maybe I was confused. I just couldn't wrap my head around it. Even when I had started liking Killian, I had shut down those feelings immediately. If we would get together, one way or another, my skin would become an issue. And what then? My heart gave an uncomfortable squeeze.

"You don't seem to care?" Suz probed.

"A-about Killian?"

"About what Chris said. Isn't that exactly the kind of thing you wanted to avoid?"

On that note, I had completely forgotten about the pranks after Killian and I... Oh, God. I buried my face inside my palms. How would I ever face him again after this?

"Earth to Tay?"

I lifted my head, my skin buzzing with a strange restless energy. "Y-yeah?"

She settled back into the couch and grinned. "Oh, dear. I see how it is..."

I wanted to throw something at her. "No, I-I just keep thinking. I don't know if I want to start another relationship... I seem to suck at it. And you know about my skin," I added in a small voice. She was the only one I could admit this to. "It's, well... It has always become an issue eventually."

"But didn't your skin get much better?"

My chuckle sounded hollow. "Yeah. But how do I say this? Whenever I'm in a relationship it gets bad. Like it's affecting it. And then it's only a matter of time until..." Something got stuck in my throat and I blinked rapidly. "Well, until you know, it's over."

She reached out and grabbed my hand. "You don't have to rush into anything. Take your time and think about it. I don't think Killian expects anything else anyways, or did he already ask you out?"

"No," I said, frowning. "Why wouldn't he expect anything?"

She gave me a knowing smile. "Does that make you unhappy?"

Argh.

"Killian didn't fall on his head," she continued. "He knows you're a bit closed off. If he tried to rush things, you'd just shut him down without even considering it."

Why did I suddenly feel like an open book? "I don't know. I just didn't see it coming, like at all," I admitted. "And it's Killian. We—do we even fit together? We just fight more than half of the time."

"But not in a bad way."

"What do you mean?"

Her shoulders lifted. "I'm just saying. Actually, I feel like he's helping you. He's pushing you to be yourself in a way, and I don't think it's a bad thing. As long as he doesn't push you too hard. It still has to come from you."

I pondered that for a moment. She might be right. I had gotten more used to saying my opinion since I'd met him. And also less flexible with my boundaries.

"Argh, I don't know." Although I did. I was just scared.

"Well, take your time—"

My phone beeped, interrupting our conversation with a text message. I could only stare at it, completely frozen.

Suz bent forward and plucked it out of my grasp.

I burrowed my face inside the pillow. "Who is it?"

She chuckled. "Killian, of course."

"So, what does it say?" I asked, wringing my hands.

"He's asking if you made it home."

"Give it to me." I snatched my phone back and stared at the text message. A nervous flutter spread through my stomach and up to my chest. My finger hovered over the keys.

No, I had to be realistic. There was no point in getting my hopes up. Not if my skin could backlash at any time.

"What did you say?" Suzy asked.

"That I got home fine."

"That's it?" She sounded disappointed.

"Yeah—" My phone received another text message. I didn't want to seem too eager, but after contemplating, I quickly grabbed it again.

Sherlock: Sweet dreams, Princess.

My heart stopped for a second.

He was killing me.