Razorblade |-/ Tyler Joseph Fic

chapter føurteen

At around 7 in the morning, a nurse woke me up and asked me to sit on the chair and not the bed. I apologized and reluctantly did as he said, then watched as he adjusted some settings on the machine. I thought about getting back on the bed after he left, and he seemed to know it; he gave me a disapproving look before writing something on his clipboard and leaving.

I tried to sleep after that, but I couldn't. I realized that I had to go back to school sometime today. I decided to stay until just after she went into the operation. Eventually I ended up working on that song I had written some of. Then one lyric came across my mind that really stuck: Don't let me be gone.

I just watched Lizzie the whole time, matching my music with the rhythm of her breathing. I did this for an entire hour before she eventually woke up and looked at me. And then she leaned her head back and closed her eyes tight, pressing the call button over and over.

"Liz?" I asked, worried.

Then a nurse rushed in and leaned Lizzie forward, telling her to try to breathe and cough some stuff up. And then she coughed up a lot of blood again. I had to look away, but looked back after she stopped. Then the nurse gave her an oxygen mask before leaving.

I walked over to Lizzie again and sat down, and I couldn't help feel sorry for her. She seemed so weak and helpless, looking at me over her mask with heavy eyelids.

"I feel like there's one thing you haven't taken in consideration," I told her.

"What's that?" she replied.

"That no matter what happens after the surgery, you're going to have at least some time with no CF in your lungs," I said. "That means no more oxygen tanks and no more treatments."

"That . . ." She started smiling. "That actually makes me feel a hell of a lot better."

I smiled, exasperated. "I can't wait for you to breathe normally for once."

She bit her lip. "Now I really can't, either."

I couldn't help smile. I felt my face go red as I said, "I'd really like to kiss you now."

She blushed and paused, then lowered her mask just long enough for me to steal a kiss, where I bit her lip and pulled on it.

After I pulled away, I closed my eyes. I didn't want to tell her that I had to leave eventually, but I had to. "So, I can't stay here all day," I said.

She nodded. "Makes sense."

"I'm staying until you go into your operation, but then I have to go to school or my dad'll kick my ass."

She laughed a bit. "Yeah, I would imagine."

I smiled. "I'll be back when you wake up, though, okay? I'll be right here. And so will your mom, and so will Josh."

She reached up and held her hand against my jaw. "Thank you, Tyler."

I brought her hand to my lips. "Of course."

A nurse came in with breakfast for Lizzie, but she didn't really want to eat. He ended up convincing her to at least her eggs and drink her water so that her body could sustain itself during the operation.

Then it was time for pre-op. Some nurses came in and unhooked Lizzie from all her tubes and wires, then put her into a wheelchair although she insisted that she could walk. While they rolled her down the hallway, I trailed behind, staring at the floor and shoving my hands into my hoodie pocket.

At least I got to sit on the bed with Lizzie, who was hooked up to her anesthetics. I held her hand and drew patterns all over it, which she seemed to enjoy. Then I patted the top of her hand. "You okay?" I asked.

"Yep," she replied, but she seemed stressed.

"What are you most worried about?" I asked.

"The whole sedation thing," she blurted. "They keep saying I won't remember anything, but I'm remembering what's happening right now, and I don't know when I'll stop remembering, and—"

I pressed a finger to her lips. "You can't get to stressed out about it. Okay?"

She nodded and took a deep breath.

"Here." I decided to lay in the bed with her and wrap her up in my arms. I thought that maybe if she tried to sleep, it would be less scary. "How about you try to take a nap? Then it'll be just like falling asleep."

She rested her head against my chest and closed her eyes. "Just like at home, right? All cuddled in your arms and everything."

I rubbed her arm gently and kissed the top of her head. "Just like at home."

I don't know when exactly, but she eventually fell asleep. And I'll admit, I got really anxious. I kept fearing that she was going to die in the middle of surgery and that they wouldn't be able to save her. I was thinking about how I would feel if this was the last time I'd see her.

Then the nurses came back in, so I gently lifted her off of me and let them put her onto a stretcher. Suddenly I started crying. My throat got all tight and my eyes started watering. I had to bite my lip to stop myself from letting out the whimper that was gathered in my throat. Then the tears started spilling when they wheeled her away and out of sight.

Then I flinched as a nurse put her hand on my shoulder. "She's going to be okay," she told me.

I nodded. "Yeah, I know."

"Would you like to stay and watch? We have a room for family."

I wiped my tears away. "No, thank you. I have to go to school."

She gave me a nod and an understanding smile. "The operation should be over a bit past noon today, but I can't say when she'll wake up. Is there someone that has your contact information?"

I nodded. "Her mom has my cell phone number, I think."

"Would you like me to tell her to call you when Elizabeth wakes up?"

I nodded again, then smiled as my eyes kept watering. "Yes, thank you."

She wrote something down on a post-it note, then gave me another smile. "There's no reason to worry, sweetheart. Try and focus on your school work, okay?"

I nodded for the last time. "Thank you very much." Then I walked out of the pre-op room and tried to get out of that goddamned hospital as fast as possible. After I exited through the front door, I realized I didn't have my car keys with me, or my car for that matter. I closed my eyes and let out a sigh before walking to the road and calling a cab.

It took me about a half hour to get from the city to my school, where I quickly paid the cabbie and walked into the building. I was only about a half hour late to class, which was okay, but the day went by so slowly. I couldn't stop thinking about how I was sitting at a desk reading The Catcher in the Rye while Lizzie was having her body sliced open and her organs literally cut out.

I went to lunch with Josh, who seemed to understand that I wasn't feeling good.

"We can skip out on gym if you want," he told me quietly. Gym was our last hour. "I can drive you home, if you want. Or we can go to my house."

"I'll go home with you if that's okay."

Josh nodded, then looked over at me with concern. "You okay?"

I shrugged. "I just wish I could be there when she wakes up, y'know? I kind of told her I would."

"Oh." He looked away. "Do you know what time the surgery was supposed to be over?"

"The nurse said a little bit after noon, but she doesn't know when she'll wake up." I looked up and tried to hold back my tears. "She said she'd tell Lizzie's mom to call me."

Neither of us said anything for a while. Then Josh asked, "You need a hug?"

I nodded, so he leaned over and embraced me in his arms. I pressed my face into his shoulder and hugged him back, closing my eyes and letting out a sigh. "Thanks," I told him after I let go.

He gave me a pat on the back. "No problem, Tyler."