March // John Shelby x Reader - Peaky Blinders

Chapter 39

You should have told me sooner.

With those six words, my worst fears had come to light. He wouldn't have married me if he'd known.

A whole lifetime of fear that exactly this would happen. And now it's my own fault, for daring to believe in this slice of happiness. For thinking I could still be worthy of love.

And then he's off, running into whatever violence has begun down below, and I'm left shivering on the terrace in my wedding gown, expected to just stay and wait as those cries of pain, of dying men, carry up to where I am.

I can't bear it. I slip my shoes back on and hurry through the house, across the checkered marble floors until I reach the grand doors opening to the outside, where the fighting's taking place. I see John and exhale in relief — he's not hurt — then watch as he pummels a man into the ground, until the man's face is squashed and bloody. It's like rage has overtaken him — I've never seen him like this before.

This must be what he had warned me about.

To know that he spends so much of his life in this state, in danger of being hurt... if another man was beating him like this, I don't think I'd be able to bear it. But I can't look away.

Panting, he's done with the man, and he spits blood. His gaze slides easily to mine, as though magnetised. Something hardens in his jaw. It's like he can't even look at me.

You should have told me sooner.

I hear children's whispers from the hall behind me, and as I turn, I see Florence stood at the door to a bedroom. I hurry back to her, not wanting her to see this.

As I scoop her up and carry her back into the bedroom, I find my mother with the other kids, all huddled on a bed while Mama reads them a story.

"Thank you," I mouth to her, tucking Florence back in beneath the sheets.

"Why is daddy fighting?" She asks me in a small voice.

I close my eyes, unable to look at my mother. "Because somebody tried to hurt us," I tell Florence. "But he's fine. It's all over now."

"And Uncle Arthur, too?"

"Yes," I reassure her. "Everybody's alright."

There's silence for a moment before William speaks.

"When we get older, will we have to fight like that too?"

I don't know how to respond to him. I want to reassure him that he won't, of course he won't, nor will George or the girls. But how can I promise that? There may very well come a time they need to defend themselves, or the rest of the family. It's what they've been born into. How can I look him in the eyes and lie to him?

"Don't worry yourselves," Mama says, stroking his head as she tucks him in. "Back to those dreams about the wooden cars. Hmm?"

Katie says nothing. But she watches, and she listens, and I can see all the cogs turning in her brain. She'll be absorbing everything. I don't know how much of the violence they actually saw — I'm hoping Mama woke up soon enough they only heard the noise and pieced together what happened. I'm hoping Florence only caught the aftermath.

"Goodnight," I tell them all.

I glance at Mama before I leave the room, trying to work out how I could begin to explain, trying to work out if there's anything accusatory or disappointed in her face.

"Go," she tells me gently. "I'll stay with them."

I close the door quietly behind me. Most of the guests have cleared away now, leaving just the Shelby's and a few others outside to make sense of the carnage. I approach, eyes only for John, but he won't look in my direction.

Tommy, however, stares right at me. "If you could—"

"No," John says sharply. "I've told you, Tom, not to go involving her."

"What is it?" I ask.

Tommy raises his eyebrows and waits for John to speak again.

"No more," John says.

"John, your wife's in danger. Those men weren't here for us."

Polly comes and stands beside me, wrapping her arms comfortingly around my shoulders while Ada squeezes my hand.

"What?" I whisper.

Tommy blinks at me as he speaks. "I need you to look at these men, and tell me if you recognise any of them."

"You're going to make her look at that?" John says.

"I believe they're the same men that attacked you," Tommy continues. "This isn't going to end. We need to know what we're dealing with — and these aren't Lee men."

I'm suddenly aware of the chill in the air, and grateful for Polly and Ada's warmth.

I risk a glance at John. I wonder if he's still worried I'm too weak for this. Or if his feelings towards me have changed since my admission.

If he regrets this.

"Okay," I tell Tommy. "Show me."