March // John Shelby x Reader - Peaky Blinders

Chapter 43

Lizzie joins us for dinner, and there's an air of melancholy around her that mirrors my own. I get the kids bathed and into bed, reading them a story until their eyes have all closed and they're fast asleep.

I go downstairs, and she and Polly are sat at the table in deep discussion. They're both quiet as I enter.

"Sorry," I say. I gather up my drawing things from my bag. "I didn't mean to intrude."

"Not at all," Lizzie says, lighting a cigarette.

"Come join us," says Polly.

I sit at the table with them and Polly pours me a gin. "It's theirs," she says. "They want us to have a taste."

Lizzie laughs darkly. "The least they fucking owe us." She shakes her head as she sips. "Not your John, mind."

"What have the others done?" I say.

"Tommy will look into my eyes as he fucks me, and then throw a roll of cash at me after," she says, staring at her glass.

I'm suddenly embarrassed, tipping the sharp alcohol down my throat. But Polly doesn't seem to mind.

"Tommy's just different," she says. "You know what he's like, Lizzie."

She smiles sadly, but stays quiet.

"Come on," Polly says. "I'll do your cards."

"It'll be the same shit again," Lizzie mumbles.

But Polly pulls a deck of tarot cards from a nearby shelf, and begins to shuffle. Almost instantly, one flies out of her hands, landing face-up in front of Lizzie on the table.

"Eight of cups," she says. "You need to face these issues. Stop turning your back on them."

"What, just tell Tommy he's a piece of shit and I deserve better?" Lizzie asks.

I glance at the card. As an artist, the drawing stirs something in me. I can connect with it.

"Tell him you're disappointed," I say. "It's the truth. You're about ready to turn your back on him, and I think if he knew that, it would be the push he needs to appreciate you. Because I bet he does, deep down."

Lizzie considers this as she smokes. "You might be bloody right," she says.

"You've done this before?" Polly asks me.

I shake my head. "I just really love artwork."

"Alright then," Polly says, her eyes shining. "Let's pull your cards."

She shuffles once more, and flips three cards in front of me. "What do you make of those? Ace of Cups. Eight of Swords. The Star."

"In order?" I ask.

She nods. "That's your past, present, and future."

I consider them for a moment. "New beginnings and blessings. Presently, I'm... stuck."

Lizzie snorts. "Presently you're blind. You think you're trapped, but there's a way ahead you can't see yet."

I scowl at her, but she doesn't seem to care, as she shrugs and continues to smoke.

"And the future..." I let my voice trail off. "Naked by the water. Do I get shot into the canal?"

Lizzie laughs. Polly shakes her head.

She says, "Hope, my dear. Fulfilment. A wish."

She flips the entire deck. "And the card beneath, guiding you both..." Her lips quirk into a smile. "The Empress. How interesting."

We drink more gin, and just before I'm ready for bed, the phone rings through the house. We argue over who needs to answer it, with Polly finally relenting while Lizzie and I laugh, heartily drunk by this point on the gin.

"It's John," Polly calls out.

Lizzie sighs. "Aren't you lucky."

"You never know what people are going through," I tell her shyly, as I get to my feet.

"You and John?" She asks incredulously. "Have you seen the way he is around you? It's almost disgusting." She rolls her eyes.

I pull the finger at her and she laughs, while I go and take the phone from Polly.

"Hello?" I say.

John's voice comes down the line. "Hey, love."

Relief floods through my heart at the sound of his voice. "How are you?"

"Alright," he says. "How are you?"

"Alright," I reply in a whisper.

"I'm sorry I had to leave."

"It's okay," I tell him, trying to reassure him. "It's important. And Polly made me try your gin. Well worth the trips to London."

"That why you're slurring your words?" He asks, laughing.

"Am not," I insist.

He says, "I fucking miss you."

"I miss you too."

"I'll be home tomorrow evening. You'll have to come see me, yeah?"

"Come see you?" I say, frowning. "Am I not living here now?"

He's silent for a moment. "Are you sure you want to be... amongst it all?"

Ice stabs in my throat as I swallow. "How else will I look after the children?"

The word echoes between us in the silence.

"We'll talk about it when I'm home, alright?" John says softly.

"Alright."

He says, "I fucking love you."

And in my mind, I hear, but it's not enough.