Excerpts From A Stormy Night

August 11th, 2022: Excerpt #2

[...Somehow my mom found out I've been wearing men's underwear, and she is making an attempt to be supportive.

It pains her though, to see her daughter go, to see me go "full masc" like I'm changing into something nonhuman. I don't think I'll ever be full masc though, and even if I was, I feel like our versions of masculinity our different.

I think she's worried to see me walking around in sneakers and skinny jeans and hoodies with a SnapBack, and while I do enjoy the occasional pair of sweatpants or basketball shorts, that could never be. I like fluidity, for one thing, but I also like fashion. It made me sad when she told me my cat shirt was too big on me, it made no sense either. I think she could just tell it was a man's shirt, from the buttons, and saw what she wanted to see. I have a women's shirt in the same style and size, and she never said anything. I know my sizing very well, that took some trial and error. Even still she gave me her "blessing" to be comfortable, but to keep the channel of communication open.

The first thing is incredibly easy, but the second half just seems so unfair. How could I possibly do that when she cringes at the mention of boxers, of boyhood, of possible and likely surgeries? Why even give me a gender neutral name at all, and then be shocked when I want to explore outside my assigned sex?

I won't dwell on it much, because at the end of the day I don't care.

Whether she likes me or not, I'm moving forward. ...]

I've had quite the complex history with understanding the meaning of being "transgender". Grammatically speaking, it quite literally means "across gender" which in my opinion is a lot more simple and inclusive than what most of the internet would think.

Such a topic is not political, it is my life.

When I was younger, I believed being transgender meant you either went from a man to a woman, or vice-versa. For someone such as myself, I would be stereotypically expected to cut off my hair, wear men's clothing, remove my breasts and replace my vagina and uterus with its counterparts. At the time, this actually seemed quite reasonable and easy as I am fond of clear cut instructions and being told what to do.

But being told what to do and being as you are can be two different things, and for me that is very much the case.

If someone were to ask about my gender now I would have many many words. I could say that my status of being assigned female at birth is very important to me, it's affected me and is a part of my life, but I do not like feminine terms for the most part. I think of myself as a King, but Monarch is fine too.

Everything I do is to be comfortable; from how I dress, to how I style my hair and my appearance, and even my mannerisms. I exist to be comfortable and pleasant to no one but myself.