Shall Not Sleep [bxb]

Chapter Twenty

I squeezed my eyes shut and held the letter against my chest. How was I going to make it through all of these? I was going to, there was no doubt about it, but I felt like I might not survive it.

The library door opened behind me and I whirled around. Wesley was holding a tray with a teapot and two cups. "I'm sorry, I don't mean to intrude, but... I just wondered if you might like some tea?"

I nodded and tried to mop up my tears with my sleeve. "Yes, thanks."

He set the tray down on the desk, on the floor behind which I'm collapsed. He pulled out the desk chair and moved it towards me with an eyebrows-raised kind of look. I scrambled up and sat on the chair. Wesley pulled up another and poured the tea. It was so hot it burns my throat.

"I'm sorry," he said. "It looks like you have a lot to get through, and it seems like it's going to be hard, so I'm sorry. I don't mean to intrude. It's just... I don't understand how it's possible, this connection you have with my great-great uncle."

I just looked down at the tea. It swirled in circles, kind of looked like a dirty puddle. I wondered how much I could tell him. I wondered how much I wanted to tell him.

"It's—it's hard to explain," I sighed.

"Whatever it is, I'll believe it," he said. "I've already seen enough things to blow my mind. There isn't much more I wouldn't buy."

I nodded. "I just want to read the letters first."

"Of course. I'm so sorry, I'm distracting you. Father warned me not to do this, but here I am. I'll leave you alone. I'll be around all day, though, so if you need anything, anything at all..."

He stood and walked toward the door.

"Wesley?"

He turned around so eagerly.

"Um, I'm supposed to meet my mum, but... could you just find her and tell her I'll see her at dinner?"

"Of course."

He left again and I felt disappointed. I wasn't sure why. I didn't mean to push him away, and of course the curiosity must be killing him. I would want to know everything, if I was him.

But... it's Alastair. I looked back into the safe, at the rows and rows of letters, and I knew I don't want to share with anyone yet. Right now it was just going to be me and him, alone together for what felt like the last time.

When I investigated more of the safe's contents, I noticed that the letters were arranged in order, and each envelope had a date scrawled on it in pencil. The earliest was October 3rd, 1916.

I open the letter and steeled myself.

Dear Max,

Something extraordinary has happened. I am not entirely sure if I imagined it, if it is a side effect of all the loud noises and lack of sleep here, but somehow I think not. I think—I believe—that it was real.

I fell asleep in the officers' camp, in my usual bed at the usual time. All signs pointed to it being a typical night at war. One moment I was getting myself settled, my muscles were releasing all the day's tension and I felt ready to collapse into the deepest sleep imaginable. The next moment, I opened my eyes to a different kind of darkness and... silence. No shouting or laughing or echoes of men getting drunk. Only breathing. My breathing, and someone else's breathing.

You. You, you, you. It defies all logic but it was you there, in the darkness, and then in the light. You were so beautiful, Max, my darling. So ethereal, almost elven-looking. I had about a thousand thoughts at once. Something to the effect of, "How is this possible? What happened?" I could have spoken with you all night about the extraordinariness of it, but I didn't want to waste a single moment. I kissed you. I gathered your body against mine and kissed you with every ounce of strength I had. I touched as much of you as my hands could grasp, but it was like my palms were starving for more of you. You gasped my name, and... my heart leapt up. I wanted to speak to you—but what if we spent all our time talking? What if we lost the rare gift we were given? I knew we had to use our physical time the right way—physically.