Invisible String - Sebastian Sallow

Chapter Ten: Toast and Tears

I held up the flowers he'd given me, the delicate glass glinting in the torch light of the cave. I took a small breath before I answered him.

"You called."

The words were so simple, and fell from my lips so easily, and I knew they were true.

If Sebastian needed me, I would be there.

My own common sense be damned, apparently.

He smiled again as I set the vase on the desk. I crossed closer to him, his eyes locked on my every move. It was as though he expected me to dart off any moment, like a scared doe, running from its predator. I placed myself on one of the chairs closest to him and patted the arm of it.

He gingerly sat next to me. Like he was the one who was scared.

"Why did you want to meet here?" I ask him, my voice soft.

He took a beat before responding. When he did, he didn't meet my gaze. "It's about Anne."

My hands clenched into fists, a rush of fear pulsing through me. What had happened to her? Had the curse gotten worse? I thought, maybe, if I had finished Rookwood off, it would get better. Lift, even.

"Sebastian, is she alright?"

He shrugged, "I know she doesn't want to talk to me, after what I did. But I had always heard about her from other people, Ominis mainly. And lately she's gone radio silent."

I blinked at him. "She's not answering Ominis?"

Shaking his head, he ran his fingernail across a loose thread on his pant leg. "She could just need space, but I know she won't respond to me. And I figured maybe if you tried, I could breathe a little easier before worrying too much."

"Of course, I'll write to her," I said. He nodded, still thinking. Something about this conversation felt like the precursor. If all he'd wanted me to do was to write a letter, he could have asked me in the common room. "Is there anything else you want to talk to me about?"

I was looking closely at his face, I noticed the deep circles under his eyes, noticed how pale he looked. My eyes flicked down to where he was still picking at the loose thread and I placed my hand on top of his. I sucked in a deep breath at the contact, fire spreading through my skin like it used to when we touched. I saw Sebastian clench his jaw tightly, and I knew I should move my hand.

I knew I should.

But I didn't.

He closed his eyes, and flipped his hand over to grab onto mine, holding it in his vice like grip, terrified to have me let go. I felt the pain he was holding.

"I don't know if she will ever forgive me. I close my eyes, and I see us all in there again. I see - I see him on the ground, I hear her voice..."

He trailed off and I just sat there in silence with him. There were no words to say to comfort him.

"I see him too," I whispered.

He released my hand at this and stood abruptly. He was pacing now, his hands shaking. "Abbi, I never apologized to you-"

"Sebastian, you don't need to," I cut in. I knew he was sorry, and there was no need.

"No," he said firmly, walking over to where I sat. "I owe you a proper apology."

He took my hand in his again and gave a soft tug, pulling me to my feet and walking me over to the mouth of our cave. Small smooth skipping stones were littering the ground and he pulled me to sit beside him on the damp ground. The waves kissed the tips of our boots and I looked sideways at him.

Waiting.

"Abbi, what happened in the catacomb, what I did, it wasn't okay. I controlled the Inferi, I had you fighting them, I was putting you in danger." He dropped my hand. "I.... Merlin, I could have killed you, Abbi. I was a monster. Am, a monster."

His eyes were shining, wet with tears he refused to let fall, and I saw just how red they were. Like he'd cried about this very thing not long ago. He really truly felt he was a monster for the things he'd done.

I chewed the inside of my cheek at this, trying to process what he was telling me. Here was the boy I had met fifth year, handing me his soul on a silver platter for judgement. I knew I could never judge him. Because I had done horrible things too.

I had killed too.

"You're not a monster, Sebastian," I said softly, not looking at him. "We've both done things. I Imperius'd Ominis. I killed hoards of Ranrok's loyalists. I killed Rookwood when I didn't need to." 

His face darkened at his name. "He would have killed you, you did need to."

"Seb, I wanted to kill him before he even raised his wand."

"You think you were the only one who wanted to kill him, Abbi?"

It was my turn for tears to line my lashes. I didn't regret what I had done. I slept better at night knowing I killed him, killed the one who cursed Anne. But what I feared was that by not feeling guilty, I was already damned to the dark arts.

Somewhere, deep down, the thought wasn't so horrible.

Sebastian squeezed my hand again and I snapped away from my spiral, looking at him as he spoke.

"If you hadn't killed him, I would have killed him for touching you," he told me as he tucked a piece of hair behind my ear.

I shivered. He was always willing to do anything to save me, and I couldn't help the blush that came. Get it together, Abbi.

"I don't regret it."

My words settled over us like a Lethifold. They sucked all the sound and light from the space, the water seemed to still, the pebbles under our shifting boots quieted and Sebastian looked at me with eyes I couldn't decipher.

Was it hatred? Disgust?

Was it fear?

He spoke gently, his voice never wavering and he looked deeply into my eyes. I stared back into his brown orbs and begged him to understand me. He wiped a small tear from my cheek I didn't notice had fallen while I waited for my soul to be judged by him.

"I never thought you did."