Bitter (wlw) (teacherxstudent)

thirty-nine

"Did you though? Because judging from your reaction it seems that she told you more than you wanted to hear, Ellie"

"Of course I did" I said with a shaky voice. "I swear"

"I knew it'd be hard to cope with you having to work with her, but there wasn't much to do about that. I just thought you'd have enough common sense to not engage in that kind of talk with her. Because I knew that she was dying to tell you certain things from the moment I saw her that day"

"I promise it won't happen anymore. I'll fire myself from the shop if it'll make you feel better"

"Don't say stupid things, that's not necessary" she started to look annoyed. "I just don't get why you'd even let her talk about it and listen to it in the first place. I knew that hearing whatever the fuck she had to say would make you worry"

"Wh- what do you mean?" I asked, trying really hard not to cry.

"Even if we've figured stuff out, there's always been a part of me that's fucking scared I'll never be able to win your complete trust. Which terrorizes me, because I love you, I really do, and I just want you to know that there's nothing in the world that would make me turn my back on you. But this right here is an exact confirmation of my fears"

"I- That's not true. Of course I trust you" I said, confused.

"Why are you so scared of what she told you then? Huh?" By then she had completely distanced herself from me.

"I don't know" was the only answer I had.

"See? I'm really sorry that I still haven't been able to demonstrate that I'm not who I was back then anymore. I thought I had" she got up. "Look, I'm doing my best but it takes the two of us to build a healthy relationship. And it seems like that's not what your aim is at the moment"

"It is-"

"Talking to my stupid ex about my past with her doesn't seem very healthy to me, you know"

"Sam..." I looked up, still sitting cross legged. I'd never seen her so seriously angry.

"I'm sorry Ellie, but it's true. I don't know what else I can do to convince you"

"You've already convinced me. Please don't be mad at me" I said as if it'd make things magically better.

"Of course I'm fucking mad at you! Sorry for all the swearing, but I really am" she walked towards the door, increasing the volume of her voice. "Maybe sad more than mad, or disappointed. I don't even know"

I got up and followed her, as if that would stop her from walking out.

"I need to be alone before I tell you something I don't mean" she said, opening the door.

"I'm really sorry" I said between sobs.

"I know you are. But you've already done the damage, unfortunately. Maybe you should have thought about it before." she said as she walked out.

I wanted to tell her not to go away, ask her to stay, but no words were coming out of my mouth. I watched her as she walked down the stairs as warm tears fell down my cheeks.

For the first time since we got together, I felt scared that Sam would leave me for good.

I knew I'd hurt her and could have avoided it, so I took full responsibility for it and acknowledged that she had every right to be angry at me. But I just sat in silence for like an hour, hoping that what I did wasn't enough for her to not believe in us anymore.

"I'm really sorry that you have to put up with all of my problems, but I really am desperate this time" was the first thing I told Vic as she picked up the phone, once I felt like I'd cried all of the tears I could possibly cry.