The Journey Forward | ONC 2023 Version

9. A Second Wedding Night

"You have nothing to apologize for, love. I have never been happier to worry."

Love, he called me, love. The truth of my feelings pressed on me like an extra helping of gravity. I loved Bao, and perhaps, for that moment, he loved me too.

My stubbornness won out over his worry, and I continued to ride with him every morning. Since he didn't know his heart stone level, I had to gauge the amount he had spent on me by his eye color. As it darkened past the chestnut color I first met him at, I pulled away and asked Jing to supply more of her cultivation. His color would recover after a few days, and he would insist on taking over again. But the constant worry began to gnaw at my stomach until I finally surreptitiously vomited daily in my private toilet pit.

"You are ill," Gui accused as I wiped the sweat off my brow on my return trip from the privy. "Will you let me heal you?"

"It is nothing. I'm just nervous," I assured him. His frown disagreed with me, but he remained silent. Later, I glimpsed him darting into the command tent and worried he voiced his concerns to my husband.

Bao proved my suspicions when he insisted I remain for the next few weeks. He claimed the fighting had lessened, so my presence wasn't as necessary. They both treated me as if I would break at any moment.

His words proved prescient as the number of wounded and dead did not rise significantly from my absence. Eventually, I settled into my work in the camp tents, and when the cots began to empty, I realized we must be winning the war.

Still, the day the Emperor called him home to witness their enemy's surrender, I felt an icy chill instead of radiant joy.

I bowed beside Bao as he accepted the Emperor's edict. Though my presence may have surprised the courier who delivered it, Bao had taken care not to raise any suspicions. No one could dare question my devotion to General Wei Bao, or at least not openly. His loyal troops would swear I had abandoned House Wei all those years ago to find my husband and had remained by his side ever since.

Bao wanted to bring me home in triumph, his wife and lover. He tried to erase the stain left by my abandonment with his lies. And I wanted to stay with him but didn't want to return to the House of Wei.

"Maybe I should return to my master and brother," I suggested. Until recently, Huizhong had written regularly, often apologizing that he could not leave our hospital to join me. I knew from his context that our master had slowed down enough that Huizhong would need to take charge of the sanctuary soon. He steadfastly claimed to be happy and repeatedly said that he had no heart to teach. But he had taught me as much as Zhou had, so I knew there was at least a piece of a lie in his words. Over the last few weeks, his missives had slowed to almost nothing. My worries about his safety added to my morning illness.

"We can visit them on the way back," Bao offered, opening packages brought from the capital by the Emperor's men.

"No, I mean, perhaps I should return to my training. I could cultivate more with them."

"You want to leave me?"

"No," I wrapped my arms around his back and buried my nose in his freshly washed hair. Earlier that day, I had helped wash and dry it before combing any tangles and piling it back on top of his head in a formal knot on the Emperor's messenger's behalf. He had servants who could assist him, but I enjoyed it, and he also seemed to. "I was just thinking out loud. I worry I am not strong enough to return to your home."

"You have never told me why you left," he pulled me into his lap after depositing a package on the table before him.

"I like your narrative better than the truth," I teased and kissed him playfully. He groaned but would not be deterred.