Come Back to Me

30

Vanessa sat silently beside Dead, her hands resting on her lap as she desperately tried to find the right words to comfort him, bring him back to her and out of his head. The past weeks had taken a toll on him, the band, and their own relationship. Every day became a struggle, every other word became a fight, screaming at each other until one of them left for a few hours or something was broken against a wall. It was feeling more and more like a losing battle with each passing day.

"I want to be the man you deserve. I want everything we ever talked about but right now I'm constantly in my head and overwhelmed. I've always been a broken person, covered in scars inside and out, always wondering why I either wasn't good enough or why I was stupid enough to throw away the one good thing I ever had. I know I keep sounding like a broken record but the guilt keeps eating away at me. There was never a day I didn't regret what happened. I spent every day wishing and hoping that you'd come back or just start over again, so we didn't remember it. Every night was a different nightmare, one where you were always just out of reach. I wanted it to end so badly. I can't even begin to tell you how many fights Euronymous and I got into because of it or how many times he found me half dead. Now I have you back but everything is still going wrong. I wish we could just start over, meet again for the first time and forget all of this shit ever happened."

"Pelle," she started.

Dead cut her off. "I killed a man. Killed him and didn't even regret it. I still don't. Sure, he deserved it, but that doesn't change the facts. We both know I'm the one who should be dead and gone. I don't think I could or can ever be the man you need me to be."

"Pelle," she started again. "Don't talk like that. I love you no matter what. We can get past this, I know we can."

"I don't think so," he whispered.

"What are you saying?" her voice trembled with fear, panic now setting in.

Dead took a long breath before responding again. "I think we need to take a break. I'm not okay and it's not fair to drag you down with me."

"No!" she shouted; her body now started to shake. "I'm not giving up on you or us! I know we can get past this!"

"I'm not saying I don't still love you, I just think some time apart might be good for us. We're still together, but I need some time to myself. I don't want to end up hurting you just because my mind is fucked up. I'm terrified of hurting you. So far it's just been throwing things at the wall or something, but what happens if it goes further than that? What if I just completely lose control and hurt you instead? I couldn't live with myself if I did anything to you."

"Pelle, please," she pleaded. "I don't want to leave you alone. I'm terrified something is going to happen to you and I won't be able to stop it this time."

"This isn't up for debate, Vanessa," he stated, this time harsher. "Please try and understand what I'm saying. For once I'm trying to do something that might actually help me."

"So not being together is going to help you? After everything we've been through?"

Stop! Take it back right now! Stop while you're ahead...

"Please," he ground out. "I don't ever ask you for anything. I never said we were going to stop being together or that we won't still get married, I'm just asking for some space to clear my mind."

"Well it sure as hell seems like that's what you're saying!"

Dead jumped up from the bed, his hands clenching into tight fists. "Damn it! Can you stop being so fucking selfish for five minutes and understand what I'm saying?"

Vanessa couldn't help but jump as she saw the flash of anger in his eyes. Every voice in her head screamed at her to just stop the argument here and apologize before one of them said something they'd end up regretting.

"How am I being selfish?" she snapped back, her mouth working faster than her mind now. "I risked everything to save you!"

Damn it...

"And I wish you hadn't! Did you ever stop and think that maybe death was what I wanted? Or were you more focused on getting your fucked up romance with a dead guy? Did you seriously think I would magically change just because of you? News flash! I'm a fucked-up man living a life that he shouldn't! My mind is nothing but a million voices and the only real constant in my life is the void in the pit of whatever soul I have."

"I didn't plan on falling in love with you," she argued. "I didn't think any of this would go this far."

"Because you don't fucking think!"

Her mouth fell open, throat tightening as she fought back the urge to break down in front of him. She watched as he stormed out of the room, his footsteps pounding down the stairs until she heard the front door slam closed. Gripping the blankets, she let out a silent scream, eyes clamped shut and stinging as another wave of tears came.

The pain in her chest had her curling up in a tight ball in the center of the bed as she continued to sob, the once silent scream now fully vocalized. Had the house been close by to any others, she was almost certain the cops would have been called to check what was going on. Thankfully that wasn't the case.

Should have stopped when I had the chance. Should have listened to him!

Mentally she kicked herself for not listening to what he needed from her. Any other time it was a struggled for him to tell her anything, and now that he had she had completely shut him down and made it about her. Now, she feared that she really had lost him forever because of it.

He had every right to be angry with her; she had been extremely selfish. While she hadn't planned on feeling the way she did, she could see exactly where he was coming from. She had denied him twice now something he desperately wanted without even considering how he felt. Though she was thankful she had stopped him from ending his life, she had still stripped that decision away from him knowing it was something that he desperately craved.

"I shouldn't have saved you," she cried out. "I wish I could stop myself from ever going back!"

She didn't mean it though. She never did. Every argument they had, the same thought would show itself and she'd force it from her mind knowing full well that if given the chance she would do it all over again if it meant being with him...but then again, maybe that was part of the problem...