𝐑𝐞𝐝 𝐑𝐢𝐝𝐠𝐞

C H A R L O T T E

"I know you didn't ask for people to find out this way. Would you have told me if it hadn't been leaked?" She asks and a tear slides down my cheek at the fact that she felt like she had to even ask that.

"Of course! Of course, I was going to tell you. I've wanted you by my side every one of the days since I found out. But if it were you? I would be devastated, Reed. How can I be the one to make you feel that way?"

"You already are dumbass." She pushes me lightly before bringing me right back into her arms. "This is going to hurt no matter what. I don't care so much about how I found out. It's what's happening, how unfair it all is, how much I love you."

I blink back more tears. "I love you too, Reed."

"You're my ride or die. No getting out of that now." She tells me and I nod.

"It's such a relief that you know," I say but all I can think is how relieved I am not to have to do it myself, no matter how guilty I feel thinking it.

"No more hiding. I'll start going through your phone like a possessive partner." She warns, reaching over me to grab the tv remote from the bedside table and giving it to me without a second glance. I take it, selecting a movie that I know she'll like and Reed pretends not to notice.

 

My day in with Reed erased any awkwardness between us, but it didn't absolve me of my guilt. One cannot simply play the cancer card with their best friend and get away with it, not that I would dream of doing that. Thinking about it? Sure.

After talking to Aaron about it, we booked an appointment for the day after next with no hesitation on his part. Using my brother to keep myself alive feels wrong, except in those moments I catch him watching me from the corner of his eye as though I'll drop dead any moment. I see how much I mean to him when I stare into his eyes—eyes that are almost identical to my own and feel how much I mean to him. How much he means to me. He doesn't have to say it aloud, but he does. Every chance that he gets, he reminds me how loved I am.

"You are not an inconvenience, I'm choosing to be here."

"You would do the same for me in a heartbeat. With less whining about the needles."

"It could be me in that bed, but it's you. So I'm in the chair. It's my chair." That last one forces a giggle up my throat. He sounds ridiculous claiming a generic hospital chair as his own, but I understand the underlying meaning. He won't ever leave my side.

Reed is here too, less by necessity, though I'm sure she doesn't see it that way. Alexander looked like he might have cried over not being here, and that was more than enough. "It's not one and done. This is going to be a process. A patient one." I told him. One appointment is a drop in the water, and if he thinks I need his cheerleading, he's welcome to come to the next or the one after that.

Reed excuses herself when the doctor does, asking if we want anything from the cafeteria and I thank her with my eyes. Aaron and I need some time together, and she looks as though she needs a minute from looking at me in my gown, in the bed. Despite nothing going on right now, it's part of the process and everyone around me will, unfortunately, have to get used to seeing me like this. Only worse.

For the foreseeable future, I'll be here. After being poked and prodded over the past couple of weeks, along with Aaron going through almost the same, today is the day in which we determine whether my next appointment will be my last, or if we're going to be undergoing continuous treatment.

The hope is that we can successfully collect Aaron's cells, then if that goes well, I will undergo a high dose of chemotherapy, and finally, Aaron's healthy cells will be infused into me. The initial process is faster, but the recovery is longer, and the success rate is decent with a high success rate.

Overall, an ideal situation, because like hell I want to go through months or years of chemo and radiation for it not to work and have done it all for nothing. But, things go wrong. And I worry about Aaron and his part in all of this. Success rates are much higher now, but taking any kind of chance with my brother's life is something that I can't easily do.

"Get out of your head. It's happening," Aaron assures me and I roll my eyes. "If this all goes well, we'll both be in the bed next time." He says and I close my eyes, letting my head hit the pillow hard enough to make a sound.

"That doesn't help," I groan.

"Well, on the bright side, you won't be alone. It'll be like when we were kids, sharing a room. Although this would be an upgrade." His jokes start to wear me down and I can finally allow my shoulders to relax. That is until the doctor walks in. Reed follows behind her, an armful of snacks.

"I won't leave you on the hook. It all looks good and if you're ready. We can set a date to do the swap." She tells us and Aaron and I look at each other after confirming the news on our doctor's face.

Tears well up in mine and his face goes from pale to splotchy and red, though tears don't fall. Reed comes over to the other side of my bed and I pull her to sit with me. It's a happy, tense, scary moment all wrapped into one but I'm choosing to focus on the happy part of it. The sad part already happened, and it'll take over until I hear the word "successful" come out of my doctor's mouth.

For now, we take this as a win and run with it.