Watch the World Rot

1 | THE CALM BEFORE THE STORM

I believe that so far, I have led a good life.

I mean, I'm responsible, I care for my mother and brother. I support my friends. I do all my chores, homework, and duties on time. I'm reliable, and I don't argue with my superiors. People my own age, however, are a different story. One that I won't get into.

I also believe that goodness is subjective; what one may consider moral, another may consider a sin, and vice versa. I do wonder where one draws the line. At petty lies, or theft? Murder? Of course, those are things that most would label as immoral acts, ones that must be punished with no repentance... but what about the context? Would the context alter the consequence of the sin? Will it somehow make it justifiable? What if somebody carried out such a deed out of anger, sorrow, grief, madness, pain?

In the end, we live in a world where right and wrong is decided by the ones in power - the white men who rule with an iron fist and brainwash us into thinking everything is alright. They teach us that our nation is the most honourable in the world. Despite what the teachers may preach at school, I know that is incorrect. A secluded village in Russia isn't all that great. Russia isn't the good guy in this "great story," and other countries aren't the "villains". Life is not a fairytale, and there are two sides to every story. The curriculum is biased, I believe.

We can never say that our body is pure of sin. After all, didn't we all sin at birth - the idea of original sin?

Morality is subjective, just like beauty. Who decides what we find pleasing to the eye and what we don't? The men ruling our society do. People say that we are all beautiful on both the inside and outside. If morality is like beauty, would that not mean that we are all sinners? We are all morally ambiguous in a way; we are all selfish. I would rather save myself than somebody else, wouldn't you?

The world can never agree on anything. There will always be somebody with a different opinion than yours, but those people are shut down, trampled by society and their lives are destroyed. I'm not saying their actions were justifiable... but when did we decide that what they did was wrong? I wonder if we'd forgive them, if we lived in another world. Where people had their own voices and weren't driven by fear.

The worst sin that we can think of is murder, though adding "child" to any crime would make it inexcusable. Those acts should be punished with the death penalty, right? Is it even possible to explain their motives then?

I used to tell these things to my mother, but she'd laugh me off, telling me that my pretty head shouldn't bother with those little thoughts.

"Oh Alina," she'd say, "you can't justify murder."

What if the murder was committed as an act of self defence? Or perhaps the killer had finally unleashed their rage upon a childhood abuser? Maybe the murdered was a murderer? And what if the murderer was actually a doctor who just had to put their patient into a permanent sleep? What about euthanasia, is that not murder too?

"I'm not justifying murder," I'd reply. "I'm just saying that maybe there's more to it. I'm saying that there is an explanation to everything, don't you believe so? The world isn't black and white, it's in shades of grey. There isn't just right and wrong. You're the one who always told me not to judge a book by its cover."

Then, my mother would just roll her eyes, chuckling lightly in disbelief. I don't think she understands what I'm saying.

Do you?

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I feel the coarse fabric of the brown bag I'm holding brush against my fingertips. My mother always preferred to be eco friendly. She'd have Nikolay and I use reusable bags whenever we went shopping. Bundled up in my coat, I walk the streets of Anadyr, my eyes trailing over colourful block flats and their beautiful murals. The face of a woman is painted on the side of one, brown eyes unseeing as she bares her teeth towards the city.