growth

3

F I R S T O N E G O N E
P A R T T W O
• AMALIA •

I wake up, exhausted even though I've just been sleeping. I hate when that happens. What's the point in going to bed if, when I wake up, I'll just be even tireder?

     It's things like that that convince me the world is a simulation or something. But it's not the time to get into that.

     I roll out of bed tiredly, leaving my room. I walk down the hallway, then downstairs, finally settling in the kitchen.

My dad smiles at me from behind the kitchen counter. "Good morning, baby." He says.

"Morning." I reply quietly, pulling myself up onto a stool.

He tilts his head. "Are you okay?"

I don't even know how he can tell that I'm about to cry—oh, no, I'm crying. He rushes around the counter to stand beside me, a hand on my shoulder and the other tilting my head up to look at him. "What's the matter?" He asks.

I inhale a deep breath. "X-Xander's leave—leaving."

His expression morphs into one of understanding and softness as he wraps his strong arms around me, pulling me off the seat and into the safety of his embrace. He sets a strong hand on the back of my head, cooing quietly as he drops down onto the stool opposite mine, folding me up on his lap.

"It's okay, Lia." He says, rocking me back and forth lightly. I sob into his broad shoulder, unable to control my breathing. "It's gonna be fine." He looks down at me. "What're you worried about, hm?"

     I try to answer, but I can't. My head begins to race. He's going to forget about me. He'll never come see me again. He's going to start a whole new life and leave me behind.

     He begins to rub my back, and I think he's saying my name but I can no longer hear. I sniffle. I think I'm shaking.

"Amalia." My dads soft voice whispers, penetrating the panic room I've fallen into. I hold onto him tighter, needing something to ground myself. He responds by holding onto me with more of a grip, too, still rubbing my back as he continues to try get my attention.

     I look up at him, tilting my aching neck up. He has a panicked look on his face, and it takes me a moment to realise that we're no longer in the kitchen, but on our way upstairs. He carries me down the hallway, then to Xander's room.

     When I see him over my fathers shoulder, I break out into even more sobs.

     My oldest brother is up in an instant, concern spreading over all his features like a blanket. My dad says something to him that I can't hear over the sound of my cries, then passes me over to Xander gently, as though I'm a broken doll.

     "Amalia." He whispers, setting me on his hip. He bounces me, acting like I'm an inconsolable baby. "It's okay, princess."

He plants a kiss on my cheek. I manage to choke out: "please d-don't g-go, Xan—Xander!"

I cling onto him, afraid that if I let go he won't be here anymore, already in his new house, prepared for his new life that I'm not in.

     He sits down, and a few moments later a thick blanket is being wrapped around me. My father takes up the spot beside us, and when I glance over I see nothing but roaring pity in his softened, saddened gaze.

     "Lia." Xander says. I feel my breaths begin to slow as he cuddles me, rocking me back and forth slightly like a baby as he rests his chin on the top of my head. I hear him say something to our father, and when I look up he's gone.

I glance at Xander. His expression is soft, concerned. He looks worried.

"It's gonna be okay, princess." He whispers. "You don't need to be upset. I'll come see you all the time."

I shake my head before setting it on his shoulder, sniffling. "N-no you won't."

"Of course I will, Amalia." He says. "And I'll message and call you everyday. And you can come stay any time you want."

I squeeze his waist. He plants another kiss on my cheek. "You're gonna forget all about me." I say, tears still rolling down my cheeks. He leans back and wipes them away.

     "I'd never forget about you, princess."

     I nod. "Yes you will. You'll never talk to me once you move—"

     "Yes I will, Amalia." He cuts me off. "I promise."

"No! You're all going to leave." I sob again, burying my head in the crook of his neck.

He's quiet for a moment, but then he says: "is that what you're worried about?" He asks. "That all of us will leave you?"

I stay silent.

"Amalia."

I nod.

He sighs. "Just because we might move out, it doesn't mean we'll love or care about you any less. You're our baby sister."

"You're still leaving." I sniffle.

"And I'll always come back."

I lean against his shoulder as he begins to rock me again, like a child who can't be settled. He cocoons me tightly in my blanket, pulling me to him.

I inhale a small breath. I had a panic attack when only Xander decided he wanted to leave. What about the rest of my brothers?

He plants a kiss in my hair. "I promise, princess. I'd never, ever forget about you. I'll probably come back so much you'll wish I'd leave."

I shake my head. "No I wouldn't."

His entire face softens. "How about you help me pick out where I'll live over the next few weeks? And when you find somewhere you think is acceptable," his lips tilt up in the corners, "then you can be my first guest there. You can even have your own room."

"Really?" I ask, my voice still shaky.

"Of course." He replies quietly. "Do you wanna stay with me tonight?" He asks after a few more moments.

     "Yes please." I say. He smiles, standing up and lifting me in his arms. I lean my head on his shoulder, frowning when he sets me back down onto the bed in a laying position.

     "Why don't you take a little nap?"

     I wipe my wet face. His expression softens. "I just woke up, though." But even as I say it, a yawn escapes me.

     "I know. You don't have to if you don't want to." He replies, sitting down beside me as he bundles the covers up to my chin.

     I lean my head on his side, and he brings a muscled arm to wrap around my shoulders. Planting another kiss to my temple, he leans back, exhaling quietly.

     I close my eyes. "I guess I will.."

     He huffs out a laugh.

•

I wake up around one p.m.

     Xander is beside me, or rather I'm halfway on top of him. He's hugging me to his chest tightly, cheek laying on the top of my head. He inhales and exhales soft breaths every second, strong, protective and safe arms wrapped around me.

     "Xander." I say.

     "Mhmm?"

     "Can you let go?" I ask, frowning.

     He shakes his head, smiling as he wraps me up even tighter. I frown. What am I, a teddy bear?

     He plants a kiss on my cheek before settling himself again. I frown, but don't protest. When he moves out, I know I'll miss this.

     But he said that he won't forget me.

     I believe him.