A girl who didn't fit in the world

3/12/23

Hi.
I don't know what to say, my heart has been given so much love recently and things have changed a lot since the last time I wrote.

I know I'm just feeling upset in the moment and I'll tell you why. But first I just wanna say that I have been feeling better and it's okay to feel my feelings but I was doing so good for Two months.

I got to see my mom oh and by the way she's clean like today is her 60 days, but I think deep down I'll always be scared she'll leave again I don't wanna be left.

Not anymore at least. I can't handle it I'm scared tori will leave me I haven't done anything wrong though I promise so why is she taking her feelings out on me?

She's been upset and all I've done is taken care of her and try and make her better but it's not good enough is it?

Life's complicated yknow? School. Friends. Family. Me.

I'd like to travel but like not on feet or in a car... travel with my soul somewhere safe where no one can leave me.

What's your fear? Mines ending up alone... I don't tell people this obviously but it's true I don't want to be the last man standing.

My heart is aching right now usually Tristan calls me maybe he's just busy or fell asleep early and tori said she was gonna call me back after she reset her phone but she lied she said that 4 hours ago..

But I'm gonna keep my head up high all I need is myself I can only depend on me after all, the pain I feel is exhausting like every time you breathe weights are being weighed on you.

What am I doing? Please tell me am I something- well of course I'm something I'm me I learned that for the most and I have to be good enough.. I mean cmon I bought tori stuff at the mall and took her to target cuz her stupid mom wouldn't.

I'm there for everyone no matter what.

I think this has been building up for awhile I can't trust anyone I'm just gonna stay quiet and calm, I'm doing it for myself after all.

Trust no one. Like ever.

I learned that the hard way "watch what you say Paige" "shh keep quiet" "they told."

Let's run back on all the people that have left my life.

Sierra my cousin well she was more then that she was my life my best friend but then one day it was all over I lost the one person I needed the most and gone just like that.

Avy well you know her we're officially not friends anymore I honestly don't know who's fault it was I just know we had amazing times and she was there for me til I was just her therapist.

Everyone's drifting away from me and is it because it's for a reason? Or for the fact it was my fault I just wanna be with my sisters again like a family you know?

I feel sick I'm so sad guys I'm so sad my birthdays soon yay man I don't even know what I'm doing and nobody can come to my i guess birthday party.

I want tori and Tristan to come but Tristan probably won't because he hates tori and tori hates him and neither one of them would just do it for me. Do I not deserve that?

I think I do I've been a fucking great friend so that hurts, they hurt my feelings a lot but where's my apology?

I can't breathe i keep breathing faster and faster I can't stop crying I wanna stop but I can't mom help me please I wanna run I wanna run so fast run away from everything.

I'm suffocating help me, please what's wrong with me I just want someone to comfort me I'm alone will it always be like this I'm tired.

I want my mom, I don't wanna loose anymore people I know that's how life is but enough please I'm not ready yet just... just give me a sec that's like forcing someone that just got shot to walk.

But you know how that ends up, they die.