Hold My Hand || J.Seresin

Chapter 17

I was exhausted as I pulled into my driveway. Aunt Sarah had finally pushed me to go home. A glance at the car clock showed it was after 1 a.m. Taking a deep breath, I grabbed my bag from the passenger seat and walked the path to the front porch. To my surprise, Jake was sitting on the porch steps.
"I heard. Are you okay?" He asked, standing up. I closed the distance between us, wrapping my arms around my neck. Tears slipped down my cheeks, surprising me, thinking my tear ducts had emptied after hours with Aunt Sarah. One of Jake's hands was around my waist and the other was holding my head, brushing my hair out of my face and away from my neck.
"I'm so sorry, Lila." Jake whispered.

After what felt like an eternity wrapped in his arms, I pulled away, grabbing his hand and pulling him after me into my house. My energy levels were decimated, but a lot had been on my mind and I needed to talk about it. Jake sat down on the couch next to me, wrapping his arm around my shoulder to keep me close. Uncle Ice dying had sent me into a bit of a mental spiral. Until seeing Aunt Sarah, I'd been in denial about Uncle Ice. And that denial breaking away, broke the other walls of denial I had.

Jake and I had been avoiding any discussion of what we were for years. Ever since things had shifted from friends with benefits to something else, we had never addressed it. With us being stationed in different places, it was easier to not talk about it, until now. Uncle Ice's death had snapped me to reality and I didn't want to keep ignoring this part of my life by hiding it from everyone I loved.
"Jake, what are we doing?" I asked, my voice barely louder than a whisper.
"What do you mean?" He asked.
"What are we? What is this between us? We never talk about it and we've never put a label on it before."
"I care about you, Lila. I didn't realize you were uncomfortable with the situation. We see each other when we're in the same place and then when we're not we just stay in touch."
"That's so vague, Jake. I've known you for ten years. But ever since you graduated from the Academy, we've been more than friends with benefits. How much longer are we going to do this before we finally talk about it?"
"Well, we're talking now." He responded with a lightness in his voice. I knew he was trying to deflate the situation, but I knew it needed to happen. It should have happened years ago, but I never had the courage to do it.
"Jake, I'm being serious."
"I know you are."
"Okay." I took a deep breath, trying to figure out where I wanted to start. Telling the truth would be a good start. "The whole time we've been doing this, I haven't been with anyone else."
"You haven't slept with anyone else?" He asked.
"No. For a little while, I was going on dates, but they never went anywhere."
"I haven't either." He admitted quietly. Surprise flashed across my face.
"You haven't?" I asked, making sure I heard what I thought he said.
"It's just been you." He said, a small smile on his face. I couldn't help the smile that grew on my face to match his. He continued speaking,
"I thought things were good between us. Our lives and careers make it difficult to meet somebody. Having someone understand that and be okay with long periods of distance is what has worked for us. Is that not what you want anymore? What changed?"

My nerves were eating at me. The fear crept back into my mind, wanting me to run away and avoid this conversation. While Jake had admitted I'd been the only one, I didn't feel entirely reassured by it. But I can't control what he feels or thinks, all I can do is say my peace and go from there.
"Honestly, Uncle Ice dying made me realize I haven't been fully living. I don't want to keep doing this without it being more defined. I need it to have a label. I want to get married eventually, I want kids and a family and I want to be Commander of the Pacific Fleet." I paused, exhaling. "I think I've known for a while what I want and I just haven't had the courage to say it. Things were good and I worried everything would change."

Jake was quiet, his eyes not meeting mine, instead staring at his hands. The silence was deafening and all I could hear was my heartbeat thundering in my ears. I scooted away from him, realizing his silence was an answer.
"I think you should go." I told him quietly, trying to keep my voice neutral. I squeezed my eyes, forcing the tears to remain in my eyes. I'd already expressed how I felt and I wouldn't show him any more by shedding tears. Jake still didn't say anything as he stood from the couch. The only reason I knew was because I could feel the shift in the couch as it went from two people to one. Now, I was the one staring at my hands. I kept my gaze down as he walked to the door and left my house.

Guilt was a funny thing. Someone close to me had died and it was hard to deal with that. On the other hand, my heart hurt over what had occurred between Jake and I. The frustrating thing was I couldn't determine what was more painful; hence, the guilt. I should be more upset about Uncle Ice dying, but I couldn't ignore the sadness over the end of what had been my longest relationship. Uncle Ice's funeral was tomorrow and because one of the highest officials in the Navy had passed, only essential officers had to work today. Even if I'd been required to work today, I would have taken the day off. There was no way I could properly function.

I remained on the couch for who knows how long, as I didn't know what time Jake left. By the time I found my way to my bed, the clock showed 4am. Even though I was exhausted, sleep didn't come. It hadn't in the hours I'd remained in bed. The curtains were still pulled over the window, but they were thin enough that I could watch the light begin to illuminate the room. Based on the light shining, I assumed it was midday.

My eyes drifted towards my phone, which had lit up with a recent message. Random emails, social media notifications and a slew of texts from Banjo, Bradley and Dad. The most recent notification was Dad checking in. I responded with a simple answer, setting the phone back down on the nightstand. Banjo and Bradley's messages were probably checking in as well. I just really didn't have the strength to respond. Banjo would immediately know something was wrong and I wasn't ready to talk about it yet.

Iceman's funeral was beautiful. The entire North Island base was in attendance, along with many high ranking officers from other bases around the world. I'd opted to stand with Banjo and some of my fellow officers, keeping my distance from the special training detachment. Even though I wasn't with my dad, I could see how hard he was taking this. Iceman had been one of his closest friends, and had gotten him out of trouble more than times than he would ever admit. I was exhausted, having only slept maybe two to three hours. When the missing man formation flew over, I felt tears form in my eyes, but nothing fell.

Slowly after that, people started to disperse, paying their respects to Sarah and her children. I didn't want to overwhelm them right now, but I'd check in on them later. Banjo kept glancing at me, clearly wanting to know what was going on. I was sure the grief and sadness were evident on my face.
"Stop glancing at me and just ask." I clipped out, harsher than I meant the words to come out.
"Well, I figured you'd be upset, which is completely understandable, but honestly, Barbie, you look like shit. Have you slept recently?" I frowned at her words, but I knew she was right. A quick glance in the mirror this morning had shown the heavy dark circles under my eyes.
"Not really. It's been rough." I began walking towards my car, knowing Banjo was walking with me. "But tomorrow we go back to work and that'll help."
"You could take more time off. No one would blame you."
"Clearly, I don't deal with grief well. Besides, Uncle Ice would want me to get back to work. And I think it would benefit me to keep my mind off other things."
"Something else happen?" Banjo asked quietly.
"Jake and I broke up, I guess. Or we're not together anymore. I don't really know what to call it since we never defined it, but it's over now."
"What happened? You just told me about this and now it's over." I shrugged, trying to hide the real emotion from my face,
"I was honest about what I wanted for the future. He didn't reciprocate that. And I can't keep doing things the way they were." Banjo gave me a sad smile.
"I'm sorry, hun." She paused, then looped her arm through mine, so we were linked while walking together.
"What do you say, tubs of ice cream and cheesy romance movies?" I laughed a little, appreciating her efforts to cheer me up.
"I prefer a regular meal cause I don't think I can eat tubs of ice cream anymore. And how about Star Wars instead?"
"Whatever the sad girl wants." Banjo joked. I guess it really did help to share things with friends.