For my sister | Negan |

23 - Good news

I was hoping to catch my breath and clear my mind within the safety of our room, but of course, I should have remembered that Ella would be there waiting for me.

'No, he didn't make me do anything', I tell her, hoping she won't read into the coloring of my cheeks. Obviously, she can never ever find out that I decided to kiss him. 'He wanted to thank me. For my dedication and stuff.'

'Your dedication and stuff', she repeats, still skeptical.

'Yes.' I smile at her, trying to get her at least a little bit excited. Why isn't she excited? This is the best thing that has happened to us in years.

'You get it, don't you?' I ask her. 'We were gonna run out in three years or so. And we had no plan for what to do next. Now we don't have to worry about it anymore. Not for years, anyway. No seizures, Ella!'

'I get it', she says. But still, she's not excited. If anything, she looks at me doubtfully. Maybe she just doesn't dare to believe it.

'It's good news', she says hesitantly. 'But, the meds aren't ours, are they? They're his and he can take them away from us as quickly as he gave them to us.'

'He wouldn't do that', I say, frowning at her. Why is she so reluctant to take the good news? My own joy is starting to recede a little. Maybe not just because of her lackluster reaction. Maybe it's also because she's right.

'Why not?' she asks agitatedly. 'Because he's such a great guy? Because he'd never even dream of fucking anybody over?'

'Because he likes me, Ella', I snap at her frustratedly. 'He's happy with everything I'm doing around here.'

'He likes you, because you act like you like him', she hisses at me through gritted teeth, on account of the guards outside our room. 'But it's fake, right? An act to get him to trust you so we can get out of here. Do you think he's going to hand over those meds in a goodybag as we climb over the fence?'

I pull back from her a little, the sharpness of her voice cutting straight through me. She's right. Of course, she's right. We had already discussed that I would ask Negan at some point if we could just keep the medication in our room, so we could take it with us when we try to escape. Later, when I'd have gained more of his trust. We would have managed to stuff those meds in a backpack or something. But we'll never be able to take all those boxes with us if we want to sneak out of here.

'It is still fake, isn't it?' Ella suddenly asks me sharply. 'You acting like you get along with him?'

'Of course, it's fake', I say, feeling flustered. I don't even dare to look into her prying eyes right now. It is fake. I don't like him.

Then why did you kiss him?

Ugh.

I shake my head and focus my attention back to her.

'We'll find a way to take it with us when we escape. Okay? We just have to... figure it out.'

'Great, we can just work that into the rest of our elaborate escape plan', she says sarcastically.

'We will figure it out, okay?' I say adamantly. 'This is good news. Let's just be happy about it. The rest will come later.'

'Okay', Ella says, putting on a smile. For my sake, it seems.

'Okay', I repeat, smiling back at her. 'I know it's pretty early, but I'm gonna take a shower and go to bed, okay? I'm exhausted.'

'Sure.'

I pull her in and plant a short kiss on the top of her head. Then I make my way to the bathroom. I'm not tired. In fact, I'm feeling restless. Doubt I'll be getting any sleep tonight. But I need some time for myself, to think.

After a very welcome shower, I crawl into bed and tell Ella goodnight. And my mind starts to race as my inner voices start arguing.

Why on Earth did you do that? Have you forgotten what he's done? He's evil. Sadistic. A murderer!

But is he evil? Is he any worse than the people I call my friends? Rick didn't think twice about killing a whole bunch of people he didn't even know. Negan only killed 2 people in retaliation.

Only 2 people? You say that like you didn't even know them. They were your friends. Maggie's at the Hilltop, expecting a baby all alone, because he murdered her husband. There is no excuse for cruelty like that.

And what about Spencer? Even if you'd argue that killing Glenn and Abraham could be justified, he killed him just because he felt like it. And Olivia? You have known her for years. She was a good person and she didn't deserve to die. None of them did.

And have you forgotten how he tried to manipulate you? Used the one thing you care about most against you to get you to kiss him? Sure, he's been different since you got here. But only because he needs you. And you do everything he says. You've been under a lot of stress. Maybe you really did lose your mind a little, maybe that's why you kissed him.

But why did it feel so good?

Stop it! Maybe it's Stockholm syndrome. But he's a monster. You can not forget that. Ever.

I sigh and roll over to my other side to look at Ella. She's crawled up in her bed, reading a book by the light of her night lamp. Maybe there's another reason my mind has been fooling me into thinking that this place isn't so bad. That Negan isn't so bad. It's because it feels safe here. We thought we were safe at Alexandria, but when the Wolves attacked us, we realized we weren't. Then Negan took over so easily. I don't think that would happen here. I don't think I would lose Ella here.

But she's unhappy. And what's the point of living if you're unhappy?

We have to find a way out. And we have to find a way to take the meds. And we will. We will...