Mentally, I'm weak. I put up my playful persona as one last defense. In all honesty it's the only thing I have left. I hide behind a fake smile like a coward. That's all I am, I dog whose bark is bigger than his bite. Nothing about me is real... not really anyway. I live in a lie to help me cope. My confidence, my personality, hell even my own body was made up of lies.... That's how I knew I was in hell. At first I thought it was a dream, a pleasant one at that. It did start out that way, pleasant, it was too good to be true. The first few resets we were all together, trapped in this dating sim. The feeling of Shuichi's lips on mine was heaven. A heaven soon to be ripped away. When the corruption began it started slowly at first. Towards the beginning it was just disgusted glares from my classmates, simple offhanded remarks, a few spider lillies left at my doorstep, the occasional suicide bating from time to time. It hurt, but my shumai was there to help me through it, so everything was ok. Then it escalated. The passive taunts became physical abuse. The suicide baiting became assassination attempts. When Miu finally managed to kidnap me I knew there was no going back to the way things were.
I remember the sharp pain in my abdomen that faded to a dull, deeper ache, only to spring back to life with every twist of the knife. She stabbed me. She actually stabbed me. Multiple times even. The audacity! We used to be best friends but there I was, dying in the corner of her wearhouse all alone, choking on my own blood.
It went on like this for what felt like an eternity. I died over and over and over again. But my deaths were nothing compared to theirs. When the killing game started up again and I watched everyone I care about die gruesome painful deaths, that's when I snapped.
It would always play out the exact same and I was never enough to stop it. It's like I was possessed, unable to control my own body. I was stuck passively watching it all happen over and over and over again.
I could hear her taunting me. Her maniacal laughter played on repeat in the back of my mind. With every reset I'd be reminded more and more of everything I did wrong. The resets became more of a painful routine.
The killings would start. I would fail to stop them. I would fuck everything up, kill myself, watch Shuichi die and the others 'escape', then go through a few seconds of this weird hospital bed dream before waking up in a dark room where everyone individually came in and told me how worthless I was and how I fucked up everything for everyone before starting the cycle all over again.
This cycle was different though. The hospital dream lasted longer this time. Something about it felt real... more real than anything else I've felt in a long long time. There was someone there this time. It started with the feeling of a warm hand holding mine. It was the first 'real' touch I had felt in who knows how long. The warm hands gently move to the side of my neck and I feel a light pressure, feeling the shaky hands relaxing upon finding what they were looking for... or at least, that seemed to be what was happening anyway. Whoever it was must have been looking for a pulse. Judging by the sigh of relief I'm guessing they didn't find one which means I'm probably a ghost or something. I mean, that's the only logical explanation. No way in hell anyone would actually be relieved to see me alive so this just confirms my theory. I'm really dead. This is the afterlife.... Yay? To be honest knowing that there's no escape from this kinda sucks, but at least now I know I can be a ghost sometimes which is cool. Maybe I'll get more control over it the longer I'm dead! That would be kinda cool I guess. At least I can't hurt anyone else now that I'm dead, right?
What I feel next betrays that theory. I feel a warm presence hovering above me, it's kind and gentle and familiar. I can't quite place my finger on why it feels so familiar, however, until I smell the faint musk of old books and espresso... it's him! It has to be!
Ok, so I know it's strange to rely on your sense of smell for things like but if this is who I think it is then I'm likely still alive and I must be stuck in some sort of hellish coma, which means the only sense I've been able to rely on for who knows how long has been smell so cut me some slack here. I'm not some sort of creepy stalker that goes around sniffing people, but I spent so much time with the man, including one blissful night of cuddles, that I can't say with confidence that this was in fact Shuichi saihara. I felt him lean in closer and I could smell a faint mint on his breath. The familiarity of it makes me wonder if we really were lovers in a past life. I feel him hesitantly inch closer before giving me a gentle kiss. It's nothing too intimate. It almost feels like I'm a princess from a fairytale and he's my knight in shining armor. I long for nothing more than to kiss him back but I can't. I'm frozen, paralyzed. It's almost like my body is a completely separate entity. I hate it. I hear him mutter something under his breath. It almost seems like he doesn't even realize he said it out loud.
"Huh, I guess fairytales are just wishful thinking after all... silly of me to try but..."
He trails off in uncertainty. I can feel the pain in his voice.
I feel the warmth of his hand in mine as he gently rubs circles on my lifeless palms. It's full of comfort and sorrow. A way of saying 'I'm here' without knowing if I can even hear him. It's wishful thinking, but I hope he can feel me here with him somehow. I guess part of my wish is granted when he starts speaking to me directly.
"So you're kokichi?"
What the hell was that supposed to mean! He just kissed me so surely he must remember me right?
"I've heard a lot about you."
I get a sinking feeling in the pit of my belly dragging me deeper and deeper into a pit of despair.
He really doesn't remember me does he...
"Apparently we were pretty close..Not that I would know I lost most of my memory... especially when it came to you..."
I wanted to scream. To cry out. To kick and thrash and punch a wall, or better yet punch shirogane for what she had done to him. He sounded so broken. I wanted to pull him into a hug and chase away all his pain.
But I couldn't.
I was stuck and it was killing me inside.
"I know this sounds weird, but even knowing so little about you, I think I still love you... I.. I don't even know you but I miss you and I need you here. I need to know who you are, who we were. It's killing me inside. I don't even remember why you were my everything, but I still feel your absence in my life. It's like a gaping hole in my heart. So please.. please wake up."
Those were the last words I heard before fading back into the dark abyss that was the room. I watched her slowly walk out of the shadows.
Normally I would use a bit more restraint. What she wants is a reaction and I didn't intend on giving her one, but I just can't hold back anymore. I grit my teeth and growl at her. She had hurt the people I loved most and she was going to fucking pay!
"What did you do to him" I spit out words laced with venom and drenched with malice, but she doesn't care. She just laughs. I lunge forward hoping to claw the stupid grin off her stupid face but she just disappears, reappearing behind me. This is her world after all. I'm just stuck in it.
"What's wrong ouma? Don't you like my fun new motive?"
I finally regain my composure and stay silent. If this really was a part of her sick plan then it's best I keep my mouth shut. Anything I say now could come back to hurt Shuichi and that's the last thing I wanted to happen.
"Oh come on Ouma? Its just a game. Come along, let's have some more fun together."
I glare at her in protest but it ultimately ends up hopeless as the cycle begins again.
"Worthless"
"Cruel"
"Vile"
"Freak"
"Murderer"
Here we go again...
New chapter?
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