Things I Don't Talk About

An Update

Today, I thought that I was going to lose my mind. I couldn't think straight and couldn't calm down....felt like I was gonna faint. Which might have been better compared to what I did after this.

The reason I was so freaked out was because two of my classmates whom I go to my coaching classes with, are going on a date (separately) with their girlfriends.

Thinking about the things I am missing out on literally made me lose my mind.

The last time I was in such a state was when I realised that I can't go on a road trip with friends because I have none. And then I wrote a sulking message in my school group asking them to come with me, to which the reply was obviously "not interested".

To keep myself from doing something far worse, I blocked the only friend I do have . Because foolishly I would have asked her out, So I did the one thing that could have been done to stop it because I don't trust myself. I did text her telling her that she had been a truly great friend to me. But I don't think I can go back on this decision now.

Another thing is that I learnt that not only my friends but the girl ,whom I had a crush on and can't get her out of my mind, is also going on a date with a classmate of mine.

After learning this fact I felt lonely, very much so. I feel like I don't wanna do anything now and just sulk.

Many of you might think that, I am not the only one without a date during valentine's week, but out of everyone I know, I am the only one who doesn't have a chance in hell AND I can't get average score on my exams.

And if that was not enough to wreck my mind, today when I was sitting in the neighborhood park, just trying to get some fresh air, I saw her, with her boyfriend, just taking a walk. I don't know why but it ruined my day.
Seeing her happily spending time with boyfriend made me almost wanna cry and be jealous at the same time ( as I previously mentioned, I am the jealous type)

I am confused as to what I should do moving forward. I wish that I could just turn off feeling this lonely, jealous and desparate. It's the worst to feel this way and it doesn't help that I have such a low self-esteem.

Seeing everyone enjoy their life so much, I don't understand how everyone can be so happy without any real reason to be while I can't even when I have any reason.

I don't think that I can put my mind to study, when the only thing I can think about all day is her. I don't think that I will be able to improve my score and it will continue to fall more and more if I can't get all this off my mind.

Seeing others happily talking about their partners and seeing different people online enjoying their lives, makes me feel empty, like I have nothing apart from my family, which is apparently not enough.

My only wish is that I wake up one day and forget all this and just get on with my life, also I wish the best for whoever is lucky enough to find a Valentine this week.

I also think that writting here isn't going to help me much, so I don't think that I will write any more parts.