𝕋𝕖𝕒𝕔𝕙𝕖𝕣'𝕤 𝕡𝕖𝕥 // Tengen Uzui x reader (+18)

Chapter 57 | Emotions

His scent starts to befuddle your senses. You won't admit to yourself that your brain automatically connects it with the feeling of coming home.
Your gaze travels over Tengen-san's hand that still pushes against the door to his arm over his biceps to his shoulder across his neck to his mouth and finally his eyes. Your heart beats faster at the sight of them which you despise. You force yourself to think of all the things that he committed. You also force yourself not to drop your gaze back down to his lips. For safety purposes.

"What?", you spat with little lack of disgust. Not only are you disgusting by Tengen-san but also by your own traitorous mind.

Tengen-san doesn't answer immediately. In fact he looks deeply into your eyes as if he were looking for something. His shoulders slump when he doesn't find it.

"I - congratulations", he stutters.
It's the first time you hear Tengen-san, the god of festivals, being unable to express what he wants to say.

"Thanks", you respond dryly with a fierce gaze.

He could have just congratulated you normally like everyone else. No need to do it in private.

Tengen-san's body doesn't relax, his hand stays on the door. He moves slightly closer to it as if he wanted to make sure you wouldn't rip his hand off to escape. Now he looks even taller. His gaze turns expectant.
Does he await anything else from you?
Hopefully he doesn't wait for an apology or explanation!
Unintentionally shadows cloud your eyes.

"Do you want me to thank you for saving me yesterday?", you ask and raise your eyebrows with pure aloofness.

The hashira's lips are a thin line. His jaw tightes. He shakes his head.
"Then why are you standing in my way? I'd like to leave", you utter loudly.

Tengen-san's scent washes over you again with another movement of him. His back now fully faces the door thus you're trapped. Not that you wouldn't be able to fight him.

"Can we talk?", Tengen-san asks silently completely ignoring your request. His gaze drops to your lips. You don't miss the craving in it.

"There's nothing to talk about."
You roll your shoulders.
"Oh except- your mice. They are creepy. Get them off my territory", you demand and glare at their master.
To call Yoshiwara your territory feels wronger than calling yourself the empress of Japan. However you have to make this man understand that you don't want his spies around you. Especially not around the place you live at.

"Y/n, please. Listen to me", he begs and as you meet his gaze again his eyes are filled with agony. Something inside you recoils at this. It wants to embrace him and fill his eyes with joy again. Solely due to that you decide follow his request. Not because he told you to. You're no longer forced to obey him. It's a voluntary decision.

You take a few steps back to bring distance between the two of you. A sudden coldness slithers down your arms.
"Go on then but make it quick. I need to return home", you argue. The term home burns on your tongue like a fresh cut.

Tengen-san strokes through his hair with one hand and sighs. His eyes travel across the floor and he finally takes his hand off the door.

"I know what this may look like but believe me when I promise that I never had the intention to harm you in any way", he begins and the despair written all over his face makes you grunt and roll your eyes.
Yeah sure.
Tengen-san hesitates but you're not interrupting. At least not with words.

"It's true that I've been an asshole for the first weeks you've been at my place. All I got told about you was that you sided with the demons on a mission and that I have to make sure that you're on our side. I found your existence repulsive in the beginning because of that. Something like that never happened before and all I wanted was to make you suffer as a kind of punishment. I'm ashamed of that. Deeply ashamed and devastated."

Tengen-san takes a deep breath before continuing.
"You never sided with them, I know now. That's the reason why I didn't know what to think of you. You had a low rank but were stronger than Hachiko from the very beginning. You didn't complain about getting missions but about not being allowed to fight. I expected the opposite and I soon realized that I didn't know you at all and that I couldn't believe the story about you was actually true. On top of that you cared for Hachiko, sacrificed yourself for her and immediately connected with Kanao. You won the competition and I couldn't hold back the happiness and joy any longer. I denied your past and focused on the present because I was egoistic and just wanted to be with you. I wanted you to be happy even though it was the opposite of what I had planned for you in the beginning. And you know why? Because you deserved it. All this time you deserved to be happy and accepted. Just as I deserve your hate for giving you the feeling of using you. There's no excuse for what I did. I acted out of pure arousal and longing for you. Something I only felt reading you."
Your heart starts to ache and slow down.
You can't decide whether you want him to continue or just rush out of the room.

"Last year when I got the emergency mission to kill your brother I debated ignoring it just to keep holding you in my arms. Remember that I didn't use you. What I said that night was true. You became important to me. Very. But this was new for me and I couldn't yet figure everything out. I'm a loyal demon slayer, you know. But if I had know before that Shin was your brother...If I had ever considered that Nezuko isn't an isolated case...I would definitely have reacted differently. When I saw you siding with him my heart shattered. I thought that you had lied to me the whole time and that you actually were on the demon's side. Shin fought me and I was relieved that it wasn't you. It was too late when I found out the truth. I've seen the fury and despair in you eyes and knew you would never forgive me. On top of that you left the demon slayer corps. I understood it as a statement to never want to see me again.
"Knowing at least some part made me believe that you would live on. And alter things. I was too scared to face you because I didn't want the confirmation that you're better without me. Even though it's the most narcissistic thing to believe that you actually were good with me and enjoyed the circumstances I forced you to live in."
He stops and takes another deep breath. He's never looked so vulnerable.
You hadn't expected this. And you don't know what to say. Part of you wants to spit in his face and laugh at him. But he's being honest. Truly honest with you.

"Y/n", he adds ,"please forgive me and believe me that I would turn back time if possible to prevent all those horrible things. I'd help you with Shin and pay you more money for your work so you can pay back the debts."

You would have never allowed him to pay you more money only because you could've needed more. Also -

"I don't know if you ever received the money I sent you over the last months but I didn't do it because I felt bad. I wanted to help you. I want you to be free and decide where you want to live."

So he was the one sending the money. Not Oyakata-sama. Him.
You can't tell why you're feeling like this but suddenly silent tears are running down your cheeks. You lower your eyes.
Tengen-san's eyes widen.
"Don't-"
He reaches out a hand but lingers a few inches away from you in the air before resting it at his side again.

You wipe over your eyes but the tears don't stop. Being accepted by the others was all you ever wanted, you thought. But now you remember you were absolutely fine last year even though a couple of the hashiras didn't accept you. Even though Shinazugawa-san humiliated and exposed you in front of everyone. The reason for that was Tengen-san. He accepted you and it was enough. You can't deny it. You would love to due to his asshole behavior but - He made you feel accepted and normal. Even now he doesn't yell at you for your teeth. If you can trust his words he never used you but didn't know what he should make out of it. You can't blame him for something you felt, too. Still you long for him. To be honest you weren't unhappy with him. In the beginning, definitely but things altered soonish. At the latest after you first had intercourse. Of course he still acted like he was the coolest and strongest creature on this island but he didn't humiliate you anymore. And then there was Kyōjurō-san who told you about Tengen-san's affection for you, and the festival where both of you danced through the night and nothing had ever felt more peaceful. Tengen-san had had only eyes for you and hadn't cared about others seeing you fucking. Like he was proud to show you off.
Nevertheless he had left you the day after.
But you had betrayed him, too.
You had lied to him for months; to Oyakata-sama for years and yet the hashiras accepted you today.

You look up again and into Tengen-san's world shattering eyes. It's your turn to be shocked.
He, too, sheds a tear. Hope and regret gleam inside it.
Your heart cracks at the sight of it. Ignoring all the unspoken and undone things you get the desire to fall into Tengen-san's arms and never leave them again.