Caleb

Chapter 5

Mum had been ahead of me on the new clothing front. She’d already been into town and bought the whole store, or so it seemed. I had a new range of colourful shirts, jumpers and a few new pairs of jeans, too. I didn’t apologise for what had happened to my old clothes, we both casually avoided the conversation. That was another memory me and Dr Palmer would have to talk about at some point.

Not today, though. Today was enrolment day. Mum was just glad that I’d accepted the idea, as was dad.

“Put on that new shirt I bought you, the blue one that’s striped. You know the one I mean?”

“Yes, mum. I can dress myself.”

“I know you can, Caleb. You decided what courses you’re doing yet?”

“Yeah. Probably a qualification in art and two A levels, history and English Literature.”

“Sounds good. I did history A level. I wasn’t very good at it, though. I could never get my essay structure right. It didn’t matter, though. I didn’t need essay structure to become a hairdresser, did I?”

“No, mum. I guess you don’t.”

Mum wasn’t just a hairdresser. She ran her own salon, doing all the admin work and advertising herself. She was a one woman force of nature, and was even thinking of starting a chain of salons across the region.

“Well, I’m glad that you’ve decided to do this, Caleb. I really am. Now you can start thinking about your future.”

The words jarred with me, reverberating around my head. The future was something I thought about often, and always without me in it. I couldn’t get around my suicidal thoughts, they were eating me up inside, and soon there would be nothing left to eat.

I told her none of this, though, and just nodded.

“Now, you best had get in the car. You don’t want to be late do you? But go and put on that shirt first!”

As I walked up the stairs to go and change shirts, the thoughts that I had managed to evade for the last couple of days came flooding back. You can’t do this. Who’d want to study with you? Do you think people want to be around you? Why would they? Who’s going to listen to you? It isn’t worth your time, you’ll only fail. As you’ve done at everything so far. Why would this be any different?

I faltered, not knowing whether to listen to it or carry on despite it.

“Is everything ok, Caleb?” shouted Mum from the living room.

“Yeah. I’ll be down in a minute.”

You won’t be down in a minute. You’ll get to your room, lock the door, and never want to leave again. You know you will.

I’d driven myself to the edge once, and I knew that I could do it again. Surprisingly, though, I didn’t want to. I wanted to go and enrol for night classes. I wanted a qualification in art. What I didn’t want was to be in a coffin. At least, not yet.

You know why you did it, Caleb. Or attempted to do it. You couldn’t even get that right, could you? I can take you there again, just watch me.

The voice was drowning out my more rational thoughts. I slipped on the shirt to keep myself busy and stood with my back to the door, trying to gain the resolve to leave the room.

“Come on, Caleb. We haven’t got all day.”

My heart was pounding, my forehead almost dripping with sweat. I clutched the door for support, and brought my hand to my brow, wiping off the moisture. The voice wouldn’t win, it couldn’t. I’d usually give in to it by now, but something made me want to fight it.