Sorry y'all I haven't been updating my birthday was January 24th and i been stuck in party mode and on vacation lol but i got y'all!!!
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I tossed and turned around all night, I couldn't get comfortable to save my life! I felt bloated and my stomach weighed a ton. This is my 5th time being pregnant and I thought it would get easier. I sat up and took a deep breath. Only time I really slept good was when Monster spent that week over here. Now it's just like being back in this empty bed and empty room just me and my thoughts.
When I was pregnant and couldn't sleep Monster would let me wrap my arms around him and I would lay on his chest and listen to his heart beat as he stroked my hair and played with my ear. It comforted me and made me fall fast asleep. I grabbed my phone and it was going on 3am. I don't think I was getting any sleep tonight.
I desperately wanted to come to a decision with myself on this pregnancy. I've lost 2 children and it hunts me everyday. I wasn't really ready for Amaris or Azaria considering I've already lost two children I prayed day in and day out that god sent me something that I knew I was ment to have them. That nothing would come to them or harm them. That I'm suppose to be a mom! That no matter what my little Prince could of never been replaced.
Truth was I was just scared of having kids, I'm scared for life!
I have so many emotions wild up inside of me. I'm hurt and angry and even maybe bitter! I just feel like I should not of put myself in this situation. I'm always putting the blame on myself even though it took both us to get here.
I got up and went downstairs to make me some tea. Tea always soothes me and makes me sleepy. I made a nice hot cup. I almost spilled the hot water as my eyes stared at the wedding invitation. I ripped it in half and threw it in the sink and threw a match on it. I leaned back against my island as the flames danced on the flyer as I sipped my tea. It died down in a matter of seconds until it was nothing but black crisp pieces of burned paper in my sink.! I washed it down the sink and turned the garbage disposal on.
I HATE HIM!
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MONSTER P.O.V.
I relit my blunt as I sat on my balcony watching it burn. I was high but I didn't even have the erg to smoke.
Baby come to bed it's 3am! Kelley said softly as she stood in the doorway.
I ignored her and took a puff. She came over to me and sat in my lap before looking in my eyes. It's like she was searching for an answer but I didn't even have any to give her.
You okay?
I'm straight?
You sure? I can tell something is bothering you....
Kelly I'm straight! Go back to bed I'll be there in a minute.
Okay! Well I'll be waiting for you! She smiled standing up taking her robe off revealing her naked body. She walked away slowly going back into our bedroom. I took a few more puffs of my blunt and got up.
I walked into the room closing the door behind me and she stood to her feet before dropping to her knees. I wasn't in the mood for sex but it's whatever. I don't even think I had any more nut in me the way I was bussing in Queen.
I grabbed a condom from the dresser and her face got sour. "What?" I asked putting it on.
We are about to be married.... Still using condoms! You cheating on me or something?
No...just being safe. Turn over! She rolled her eyes and I bent her over the bed. I slid in slowly and I couldn't get hard for a second I don't know why her ass was moaning.
I closed my eyes and i instantly started thinking about Queen. I licked my lips as her moans played in my head. My dick was so hard I gripped her waist. Queen facial expressions and her voice made me wanna nut! "Damn Queen I love you!" I whispered as I nutted. I pulled out and realized what I just said and what I just did.
The fuck did you just say! Kelly asked pissed off. I didn't even know she could hear me. Fuck I fucked up.
I ain't say shit!
Nigga I heard you! I fuckin knew it, I knew it! You called me Queen!
No I didn't! You buggin!
I'm not stupid I heard you say "Queen!"
Nah I fuckin didn't! I backed up from her cause she was about to hit me. That's all she heard me say was her name! "I said Kelly I love you!"
Nigga you just said "Queen!" And you nutted! I fuckin hate you! You was thinking about her! Kelly started full blown crying hard. She hit me in my face and I almost punched her back.
Your fuckin buggin bra! I ain't say her fuckin name.
Get the fuck out!
Get out? This my fuckin house.
Get the fuck out Monster! I hate you, I hate you!
Ight bra ima leave cause I know what the fuck I said. Holla at me when you get yo ears checked. I grabbed my shirt and put it on grabbing my hoodie and slipping on my slides. I got down the stairs and she was screaming and crying in tears. I slammed the door behind me as I got in my truck.
Fuck how I fuck up like that!
