Electricityscape |-/ Tyler Joseph Fic

chapter five

I woke up in the ICU the next morning, which was officially the most terrified I had ever been. There were tubes down my throat that didn't let me take a full breath, and I felt like I was suffocating. I was crying and screaming, and there were so many doctors around me, pressing buttons and trying to hold me down. After I finally understood what was going on, I relaxed so they could get the goddamn wires off of me.

Since I wasn't hooked up to my cannula last night, my body kind of shut down due to such a low oxygen level. God, I couldn't imagine what Tyler did. He must have been even more scared than I was.

As soon as nurses left, I turned over on my side, careful not to damage my IV, and just let the tears spill forth. I cried silently for at least 4 minutes, annihilating myself with horrible thoughts of criticism. Why couldn't I just take care of myself? Why couldn't I have told Tyler about the CF and just let him deal with it? At least he would have understood.

Then my mom came in.

I dried my tears as quickly as possible, then offered her a weak smile. I expected her to try and make me feel better, but that wasn't her plan.

"Why would you skip a treatment and leave out your cannula when you knew you were sick?" she asked. "And why was that boy in your room this morning?"

So at least she didn't know he slept there.

"I dunno," I said simply. I wasn't in the mood to try and reason with her.

"You missed your meds, too," she said distastefully, pulling a case out of her purse and tossing them to me. "You're really slacking on your responsibilities; you're almost an adult now, and your health is in your hands. You need to take care of it."

I nodded. "I know, Mom. I'm sorry."

She just sighed and stood up. "I'm going to Emilie's house to help with their kitchen."

Emilie was my brother's fiancee, and they were getting their kitchen renovated.

"Okay."

"Call me if you need me," she said as she walked out of the hospital room, leaving the door open behind her.

I rolled over again and groaned, letting my eyes fall shut. I tried to take a nap; not because I was tired, but because I wanted to fast forward through my day.

"Hey, Lizzie."

His voice actually made me jump; I hadn't thought there was anybody in the room. I rolled over, my eyes wide. I didn't want him to see me like this. "Tyler," was all I could say.

He had his hands in the pocket of his hoodie, shifting uncomfortably between his feet, staring at the ground. Looking closer, I saw that the skin around his eyes was red and puffy.

He was crying.

He took a deep breath and finally looked up at me, his eyes full of guilt. "What the hell happened?" he asked, exasperated.

"I don't know, I was passed out," I snapped. "You tell me."

"You know that's not what I mean," he said, his voice dangerously steady. "But since you asked, I might as well tell you." He walked over and sat on the edge of my cot. "I woke up the next morning and you looked pale as hell. I tried waking you, but nothing worked. God, Lizzie, I was so scared. You wouldn't wake up. I thought you were dead."

I pressed my face into my hands. "I'm so sorry," I whispered.

He didn't say anything. Instead, he motioned for me to move over, then came and laid down next to me. He wrapped his arm around me and held me tight, as if he planned to never let me go again.

"So what's this all about?" he asked me.

I tried to take a deep breath, but my throat hitched and it came back out with a violent cough. "I have a stupid lung disease," I said eventually.

"Is it terminal?" he asked immediately.

"It can be if I don't take care of myself."

He sighed with a shudder.

"And I am, Tyler, I am taking care of myself. But sometimes everything just isn't enough. And this is just a hurdle I can get over. It's just a thing."

He stayed silent for a long time.

"You don't need to be as worried about this as you are," I told him.

"Yes, I do," he replied sternly.

"Worrying doesn't help anybody," I retorted.

"How else am I supposed to show you how much I care about you?" he snapped. "And it's not like I can help it. If I could stop myself from worrying so much about absolutely everything, I would. It's not my choice. You should know that."

I sighed and nodded. "I know. I'm sorry. I'm just really frustrated."

"I know you are." Tyler pressed his lips to the side of my head. "I just want you to be healthy."

I laughed genuinely for the first time in a while. "That's rich," I said. "I haven't been healthy since I was born."

"Even so, I want you to be at the healthiest you can be, is that such a bad thing?"

I let out a sigh and leaned more against him. He was so warm. "No, it's not. I'm sorry, Tyler, I've just had such a shit week."

"Seems more like a shit life."

I laughed lightly through my nose and closed my eyes. "Yeah."