Dangerous & Anew (Sequel to Inhaling Alongside You)✔️

Chapter Thirteen: "Jordy, Jordy Who?"

The mind is an unconscious brand of fear and hope. Fear in what we know and hope in what we don't know. The reason being, is that the mind is a wonderful place, forever expanding with knowledge. With knowledge being emitted as power, it can be quite scary. Then there is hope. The mind relies on hope of the unknown to lull us into the world and disseminate wonders as well. Just as long as we do not know the very thing that makes our skin crawl, we will not fear it. Where as if we are knowledgeable that we are one day doomed to fail at something, we will fear failure.

My biggest fear, the fear of losing. Losing hope. Losing another child. Losing my sanity. Losing my grip of reality, and most of all losing myself.

Though I agreed to carry a child for nine months just two weeks ago, I have learned and have had an interesting epiphany. Should I be pregnant, I will have to once again hold off dancing. With holding off dancing, that's allowing many great opportunities to slip through my palms. And when opportunities slip through my palms, they take my self assurance with them.

I've never dreamed my fathers work would be in vain. The swearing. The frustration. All in sad vain. My father would most certainly shun me could he have been alive today. His "masterpiece" in complete pieces. I feared loosing my dream. That fear becomes more and more eminent as a last resorted reality.

Dancing professionally will soon be a dream deferred.

"Is it test day?" Michael chirps, linking his arms around my waist.

Two weeks. Two weeks Michael and I have been waiting for any signs of a could be pregnancy. I know I have a week or two before I can search for an answer, but I just love the excitement that's shared between Michael and I as we play the great game of patience.

I have prayed about this, becoming pregnant. Though I'm scared, I know I can do this. On our first try, Michael was lucky enough to gain knowledge of my ovulation the following morning. So of course to celebrate, Michael gifted me with another round. I wasn't complaining.

But, with the game of patience and all of the excitement going around, there's always my doubts. All of my doubts that creep in and wonder themselves. All of these doubts about miscarriages, Michael being too busy, me being too stressed, all take over and I feel terrible again.

But then Michael smiles, gazing at my stomach with anticipation and glee. Sometimes he'd talk to the empty stomach when he can't sleep at night. Sometimes he'll share all of his fatherly goals he has set for our child. And when he reminds me of his gratitude of me being the mother and carrier of our unborn baby, all doubts and fear subsides.

All of them vanish, because of him.

Glancing at him through the bedroom mirror, I place my palms on his hands and lean against his chest.

"I thinks it's too early, baby..." I sigh.

Frowning, Michael sighs as well, obviously unpleased by my hypothesis. I know how excited he is, but I know how jittery he is as well. It's going to be hard keeping him sane until I find out my pregnancy status.

"Maybe it's not? You said you were ovulating two weeks ago... Today is Sunday, wouldn't that make three weeks now?" He pushes, sliding his hands down my flattened torso.

I sigh again, feeling his frustration. It's Sunday, the same Sunday that made today's the official two weeks of my hopeful pregnancy journey.

"No... It's still two weeks. We have to have patience, baby" I force a smile.

I'm scared out of wits end. I don't want to live through another miscarriage. I don't want that feeling, it can't happen again. But still, I have to be confined for the both of us. Michael is a busy man, that honestly worries a lot. Therefore, I have to step in, at times to keep things in balance.